Just because you can doesn't mean you should

I have a niece who says that exact phrase to me periodically, usually when I am thinking in a disordered manner. These jeans bring this phrase out more than ANY other thing.

These jeans. They are "my jeans" we all have that thing that is just well us. These are my thing!

The thing about them is they are my "skinny jeans" when I fit into them my ED is happy, when I don't my treatment team is happy (I'm not exactly sure where *I* fit in this equation just yet). I know exactly what weight I need to be to wear them. I know the exact number(s) where they fit/are too small/are too big. They are my ED security blanket, so to say. We jest that my disordered self prays at the alter of the jeans (not too far from the truth).

The other thing about them is they are old (hand me downs from another niece) and wearing thin. I worry about the knees each time I wear them and each and every precious thread every time I wash and dry them I say a little prayer.

Well the other day heather did a post on a wreath she made from recycled fabric (she even mentions old jeans)
http://www.thenheathersaid.com/2011/03/07/get-crafty-fabric-rose-wreath/
And it set off a little spark in my head like "hmmm maybe I ought to make something beautiful for my home from them rather than keep them as a prison for my ED" and the thought has stuck there...
Missy http://missymiller.wordpress.com recently got rid of a pair of triggering pants and I was so impressed and proud of her (okay and I admit slightly jealous of her bravery)
I don't think I could give or even throw away my favorite jeans but can I make something out of them? That'd be kind of cool I think... Will it free me or send me spiraling? I don't know and that's kind of (ok really really) scary!

***so have you ever done anything like this?***
would you?

Opinions please

My scars tell stories

Today as I was taking a bath (the same one where I took that picture of my scar) I looked down at my knee and I saw a soft pink scar. I remember the day it came to me fondly - Laura and I were biking and I had my first bike fall. I cut my knee and it has a matching sibling on my left elbow. I got up and we rode on (albeit a little more slowly). Do you remember that day Laura? It was a great day!

I looked a little further down my leg and saw a long thin white scar - from early on in my shaving days (the reason I mostly wax now) another time I laughed it off tossed a band aid on and went about my day.

If you look over to my right leg you will see an almost identical scar - from a recent hurried shaving expedition (I really shouldn't shave)

On my right arm you will see a few scars from surgeries to fix my muscles (and carpal tunnel) man was that doc HOTT!

On my stomach is scars from my gall bladder removal. My niece stayed and cared so hard! She's an OR tech and picked my team carefully and wasn't happy when I seized.

My upper lip's 42 stitches my senior year left a scar. I learned the Russian army march for this one - a history teacher tried to make it cool

And the one on my chin still makes me laugh, I was 12 and showing off on my kick ass horse while all my friends were still riding pokey ponies. Well I said whoa and she did! Too bad I didn't and skidded across a street ON MY CHIN! okay lesson learned!

And then there is my "other arm" the one where the scars were intentional. These are the scars I hide... Wide bracelets, long sleeves, well placed hand movements. They too have a story - each of them was a time I needed the physical pain to match the emotional turmoil - the problem here is it never does and just adds another layer of turmoil... And the circle continues!

Today is self injury awareness day - perhaps we could all try to be more aware every day?

***do you have any scar story you'd like to share***

NEDAW11

Today is the last day of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week and I really did want to say something about this. MY problem with this is that this is a week that I am struggling this week and I want to write something positive and uplifting. So instead of writing too much of anything I am going to forward you to some of the people who inspire and strengthen me daily and weekly with their commitments to their recoveries and the recovery of others. Check them out! These are some uplifting ladies!

Voice in recovery - Kendra is an amazing activist who fights for recovery on a daily basis

Actively Arielle - Arielle VLOGS about once a week with words and a passion that jumps off your screen

Medicinal Marzipan - is a wealth of healthy information and positivity

Beautiful struggle - Missy writes so beautifully and honestly about her struggle and recovery - she opens herself up in a way that makes you root for her and fight alongside her!

So really go check them out and if you need more information about eating disorders or recovery please check out NEDA

*recovery is possible

The reason I am not a food blogger

SO! For some reason I decided I needed to join in on this week's BSI - the ingredient is cumin (what is cumin?). I think the reason I chose to join in this week rather than a week I knew what I would be making something with is because I wanted to celebrate with Biz that her wonderful husband Tony is home from the hospital!

So I googled what pairs with cumin I got a LOT of lemon recommendations...

Then again I googled lemon cumin recipes

I got a LOT of soup recipes and some chicken recipes BUT I didn't have any chicken in the house. I recently had seen on some page a recipe for pretzels so I googled lemon cumin pretzels and came up blank...

SO I found this recipe on grouprecipes.com and thought I coupld take out some of the water and replace it with fresh squeezed lemon juice and add in some cumin too...



SO I gathered my ingredients (look at me all fancy here)


and put them in my bread machine and set it for dough (I don't knead dough I hate stuff under my nails)

at the end of it's cycle I had liquid dough so I did some quick thinking and decided to just let the bread machine do it's thing and make it into bread - well it didn't rise so well so it ended up a really small loaf of lemon cumin bread that the hubster says isn't too bad but it is really sour like lemonade that doesn't have enough sugar and you can't taste the cumin at all



So the moral of this story! Welcome home Tony, Biz don't make him this!

ABC of me...

So I am jumping on the bandwagon - I saw this on abbynormally's site (www.abbynormally.com) and think it looks like fun

Time to jump on the Band Wagon.

Here’s everything you DIDN’T want to know about your’s truly!!

A. Age: 36

B. Bed size: Full

C. Chore you dislike: Laundry

D. Dogs: Dobby aboobacus

E. Essential start to your day: Pupster kisses

F. Favorite color: Depends on the day, pink, purple blue

G. Gold or silver: Silver

H. Height: 5’4″

I. Instruments you play(ed): Old English handbells

J. Job title: Wife/doggy momma

K. Kids: Dogs!

L. Live: Massachusetts

M. Mom’s name: Joan

N. Nicknames: JL

O. Overnight hospital stays: way. Too. Many!

P. Pet peeves: Passive aggressiveness.

Q. Quote from a movie: “Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten"

R. Righty or lefty: Righty.

S. Siblings: Really 3, I claim to 2

T. Time you wake up: Between 1:30 and 4:00

U. Underwear: Sometimes

V. Vegetables you dont’ like: Olives. Are they veggies?

W. What makes you run late: Jim

X. X-rays you’ve had: Lots: back, arms, legs, jaw, mouth, pelvis, shoulders... You break a lot when you have horses and are clumsy!

Y. Yummy food you make: Soup

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Giraffe

Validation

So I have a (very small) shop in etsy www.etsy.com and I post things there every now and then. It makes me feel as though I am making my jewelry and yarn crafts (which I enjoy doing) for a purpose (because really how many holidays in a row can I give someone a homemade gift?). As I said it's a very small shop. A couple of weeks ago I sold a necklace I had made (not the one above that's one a friend asked me to make for her mother) it was copper chain maille it probably took me 10-12 hours and I sold it for... $9! But in reality the money wasn't even part of it, sure it was nice that my hobby paid for itself that time, but the validation that it gave me was amazing! I watched it go from: wow they bought it, to wow they liked it, to wow they liked something *I* made.

All of a sudden it was as if I had been invited to the "cool" table at school. While I carefully wrapped my special necklace and blissfully brought it to the post I noticed a spring in my step. I was someone who mattered. This is silly, isn't it? I am certain that the hubster and pupster (and a few great friends) would tell you I mattered no matter if I ever sold a single thing but for me? I needed this validation to feel as though I mattered!

***when was the last time you felt validated in something, anything? Come in, give yourself a shout out here!***

What is pleasure?

Joy put the question out for bloggers to answer. What is pleasure?
See her entire question list here http://www.joytanksley.com/blog/2011/02/february-word/

And this got me thinking about what is pleasure really, is it a feeling that you have to look for? Is it something you stumble upon? Is it even something you recognize when it happens?

My guess is that pleasure can't be found if you're looking for it. In my Experience when you are looking for or expecting pleasure you don't usually get it. Isn't the planning and looking forward to a vacation almost always better than the vacation? And the lead up to a movie almost always better than the movie?

In the same way isn't a day you had no hope for often surprisingly PLEASURABLE?

Yesterday I had one of those stumble upon great days! My phone had been acting up, my car tire popped. I needed to go to the mall! Sears could replace my tire while the genius bar worked their magic on my phone.

Well my friend Louisa was free earlier in the day than normal and met me at the mall. We spent a good 3-4 hours (lugging the world's heaviest laptop) window shopping (with shockingly little actual shopping), tea drinking (still think my new favorite blueberry lemonade was amazing), and manicure (gotta love bargain wednesday manicures) getting!

It was a day set up to be boring and tedious and ended up being one of the best I have had in a while!

So what is pleasure?
-good friends
-good attitudes
-good tea
And pupster at my feet has asked that I add:
-good poodles!

So, again, what is pleasure?
-easily attainable (when you're not looking for it)

Where have you unexpectedly found pleasure recently?

Mental illness?

I remember when I started slipping this time around it wasn't just me who slipped. It was my friends and family; they slipped away one by one!

First, it was the dinner invites (thank heaven), then craft days (sad), gym dates (sadder still) and finally phone calls and emails. Until I was left, alone, with this power in me - no, scratch that - this power OVER me, that reminded me that I was worthless and deserved every evil thing I did to myself. Every meal skipped was punishment, every mile logged a reminder that I was far away from being someone who was cared for or, for that matter able to be cared about.

***I am going to stop myself here to interject that I do have a husband who stood and continues to stand by my side.

I DID and DO have a couple friends who reached out and, when I couldn't reach back, came and strode beside me.

I also still have a couple friends who, to this day call and come over and probably know of nothing being wrong because my job to them is to be their friend (a role I am okay with so don't think this is pitiful).

I do have friends I have made in ip and at resi who daily amaze me!

I want to touch on a couple of these before I get to my point here.

Hubster = great guy who REALLY doesn't see evil in this world, so to him I'm not sick and it is not something we discuss.

Friends who have reached out and supported (Laura & k) me = there was a period where I thought that they hated/were ashamed of me. That was the eating disorder talking and for a year I was convinced hook line and sinker! A single hug from k (aka the world's best hugger and the only person who has permission to hug me whenever) and a gentle invitation from l with honesty and kindness for thanksgiving broke those walls for me (okay that and they think pupster is cute!)

Friends who never know = this is a hard one for me, part of me loves it and then part of me gets to the "where is the back and forth in this relationship?"

And lastly new friends who only know "crazy joy." I often wonder if (when??) I get better, will they still love me? Or is our desire to injure our bodies, minds, and souls our bond? I believe with a couple it is but I am pretty sure at least 2 (l and n) are for keepers!

This brings me to today! Today, I sat in a church and cried silent tears while in the company of 4 others. Let me repeat that: 4 OTHER PEOPLE! as my cousin Joe was laid to rest!

Joe was wonderful, and sweet, and literal, and loved to dance (he has been taking ballroom dancing for years) He truly lived the simple life, he had childlike virtues and gentleness. You couldn't help but love him! Joe was crazy, he was, I guess you'd say, clinically insane.

As I sat there I was brought to my own funeral - would the handful come? Probably. Would those who had been my "best friends" for years? Or would the stigma of loving someone like Joe, like me, maybe even like you, keep them away? I don't know and honestly, I don't want to.

I started out being very sad with these thoughts and the turnout and then a little bit of Joe reached me and I decided that those people he has danced with for years? Well, this week they'll dance for him. And his girlfriend? Well, I am sure there's a smile or two that will leave her face and land on his. And my sisters? Well, shame on them, I hope they remember that nobody chooses insanity. But I still hope they can send a thought, a prayer, a laugh or a kiss up to an old friend with a child's light!

So I leave with this request: if you have someone in your life with a mental illness (including yourself) please remember them. Cards, phone calls, emails and visits are relatively cheap and yet priceless!

The kindness of strangers

Today I took the pupster on a decent walk (my friend from resi called it a walk sponsored by Ed) and while I was walking I walked by a gentleman snow blowing his drive. I waved and continued on my way. About 5 minutes later a huge black truck pulls up to me and asks me if I am joy --- I replied I was (with what was I'm sure a "shit do I know you?" look on my face) he reached over and handed me my target card and said "you dropped this in front of my house and when I went to do the next swipe with the blower I saw it"
What a kind man, not only did he not go shopping. He left his work, jumped in his truck, found me and returned it! What a great guy!!

I guess there really are good people left in this world!

When was the last time you got or did a random act of kindness?

missing and loving

I have been loving making videos out of photos on my phone with lifecasting lately (best .99 app) this one is special to me! The man you see in the last 2 pictures is my nephew (those little ones are his boys). My neph is in Afghanistan, he was born a hero and it makes sense he is over serving his country but man do I miss knowing he is safe! I just heard a new story about him, I'll share if you don't mind...
My boyz LOVE to eat and we just found out neph is stashing his desserts and giving them to the Afghani kids! What a love

Rewarding yourself (ED related)

Because I am facing a deadline for showing some improvement (& honestly I am not sure how much will be enough) I have decided to appease my inner 5 year old and offer prizes for successes.

So for right now they are if I go 2 weeks without purging I can buy myself the sodastream I really want.

If I make it to and work at all scheduled therapy and lab and doc appointments I can get myself 4 bottles of their diet soda mixes.

I really want to add if I can go 1 month self injury free I can get pupster his dog door - the flaw? If I fail it will be a spiral of SI because I will have let my best furry friend down!

Do you reward yourself and if so what are some examples...

Ps- the bike up above is one my mom won me right before she died - I rewarded myself with bringing it up (and getting a trainer for it) for cleaning the hobby room! Woot woot

Sleeeeeep

You know the phrase "when the going gets tough the tough get going"?
Yeah totally not relevant here my phrase would be "when the going gets tough Joy can't sleep"
Seriously whenever I struggle insomnia steps in. I know that it's common for people to not be able to sleep during difficult times but seriously I am more than a little done with this. I am averaging 45 minutes to 3 hours a night. Honestly I'd be okay with the 3 hours if they were consecutive but in the case of last night it went a little something like this
Fall asleep 11:20
Wake up with chest/back/stomach pains 12:01
(hubster goes to get pup since when I don't feel good I want my poodle)
Think and decide I want to make pupster a quilt for valentine's day (did I mention I come up with asinine ideas in the middle of the night)
Try listening to meditation music
Try counting backward (it's worked for surgeries)
6:19 fall asleep
6:48 wake up for the day - allow myself to jump online (sometimes I do in the middle of the night too but I try not to in hopes of going back to sleep)
And that is s night in my life...
I can't take sleeping pills (i have messed up my body too much for that)
Ativan doesn't really help anymore
Meditation isn't working
Nor do warm baths

Any ideas?
I'd be reallllllly grateful!

Going to the vet = treats from the mama

Pupster had to go to the vet twice in one week and so I took him out for an ice cream afterwards... He *MIGHT* be so spoiled that it wouldn't occur to him to eat it out of his bowl but only held by me and licked like a little kid! But ohhh the look on his face!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKHrQ7Fwk1g
I wish I knew how to insert the YouTube video in the post... I have a few more I want to add. Does anyone know how to do that?

On presents

Ahhhh Christmas 2010 is over! With all of it's craziness and chaos it is over.

All in all it was okay. A little extra stress added in with pupster getting bit and needing to be taken to the vet, he's totally fine and well I survived it!

But let's talk about presents. What makes a present a present? Is it a bow?
What is your favorite present?
What is the best present you gave?

For me this is actually a tough subject - presents are actually very triggering to me and I prefer not to get them (and it takes me forever to open them - I have to be in the right frame of mind) but people (myself really included here) love to give gifts. I was recently told (by my sister no less) that I am the most difficult person to buy for. She might be right since no food no clothes! But really? Anything for pup is the best gift ever... But in reality I probably am hard to BUY for. But gifts of time are always always always well received! Offer to play a game with me! Say you'll go for a walk with me. Read me a few pages of operation beautiful (operationbeautiful.com). Listen to me when I need to talk. To me, those are gifts! Very real presents...

My friend L after a particularly bad night listened to me cry and talked to me and made me feel loved. She also gave me permission to call her 24/7 when I am having a panic attack. That is a gift! With a gorgeous bow on top - just waiting to be opened when I need a gift, cool huh?

Hubster reads me poems and operation beautiful as I go to sleep at night (I am waiting on the brain cells to work again). That is a daily present, one I get to look forward to nightly.

Those were my favorite presents of 2010!

And my favorite to give was probably a megaphone to my nephew - he freaked (I knew he would - he drives a plow it will come in handy).

My biggest surprise of a gift was a telescope I gave to a niece whom (sadly) I hardly know and her sister texted me to tell me she loved it and put it together within 5 minutes of opening it!

And my happiest gift to give was probably to my friend L - I had made her slippers and she put them on right then and there at her very nice Christmas open house (even though they didn't match her gorgeous green dress)

I hope you had the happiest of holidays! I will be back soon with some jewelry I made, some ideas I have, and goals for 2011...

A pretty interesting post

Averie always has great posts but I really thought this one was a great read, what so you think?

http://www.loveveggiesandyoga.com/2010/12/natures-pharmacy-fun-food-facts-diet.html

Folding friendships

Today I was blessed! I was able to play driedle with a friend (she taught me - I'd never played before) and then she was kind enough to uncondisendingly show me how to make origami cranes.

The reason this was so impressive is that a few years ago I folded well over 1,000 cranes for my mom as a mothers day gift - 3 months later she was diagnosed with her evil cancer. As she succumbed to her illness I did to mine too. After mom's passing I slipped into some deep depression and ED and apparently that stole the ability to fold cranes from me. I relearned and took step by step photos... And she coached and cheered, just what I needed today! A day I knew I had a rough therapy session ahead of me and a no doubt stressful doc appointment tomorrow.
For a couple (of all too quick hours) I headed out a lot happier than I have been in a bit!
And while I am singing her kudos (not saying her name in case she prefers I not) this is my same friend who gave me 24/7 access to call her when I was in a bad place!

This is what Martha would call a good thing!

A week...

How are you?
This week has been a rollercoaster for me. Pupster and I are currently cuddling in bed but I spent most of yesterday and the day before thinking I didn't want a dog anymore. So let's get on with some of the highs and lows of this week. I made homemade (bread machine) bread for a bake swap - I hope oprahby2011.com liked it! And then I made melissa's whipper snappers (for the recipe go here). http://rainforestgurl.blogspot.com/2010/12/blogger-cookie-exchange.html
First I made red velvet and sister, hubster, and friends could not eat them fast enough - side note what is red velvet?

Then I made strawberry. The only difference I do is I don't roll them in powdered sugar I plop them on the parchment and sprinkle it over because I hate touching food. And again they were loved - definitely a new go to recipe! I also sent some (with the oatmeal cookies) to the winner of tina's (carrotsncake.com) auction - hope they are well received!

So that is all the good stuff the bad is that I *think* my therapist has discharged me (he wants to see me Monday but that is the distinct feeling I get) so I am going to have to figure that one out... And to boot this week's labs came back bad so I am fearing that there is a hospital visit in my near future (I am quite hoping it will be after Christmas) ugh it always happens all at once doesn't it?

But the good news is that the house is decorated and the caroles are playing and honestly life is good!

So tell me about your week?
And I can't wait to tell you about Sturbridge

Created a keeper + a recipe

Pupster is my sidekick, my constant companion and so the other day when his breeder sent me pictures of a new litter my heart melted. I want one was my first thought! Followed closely by poor pupster would have to share my love and attention (hubster notwithstanding of course) I could never do that to him! I am still debating, our old dog is fading quickly and I doubt she will make the winter (fear not she's not in pain) and I worry if he would be miserable alone. I debate if he needs a puppy of his own or if I could adopt an older dog for him (he is only 1 1/2) these were the thoughts that ran through my head as we walked yesterday (old lady says no thanks to the walks and uses the dog door and the fenced in run). All in all the only thing I could come up with was that pupster is a keeper!

Speaking of keepers

Brown sugar oatmeal cookies with red hots are keepers too (5 stars from the hubster)

1 bar earth balance butter flavor
1 egg
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 generous cup organic quick cooking oats (whole foods bulk bin)
6 tablespoons flour (I used half white all purpose half while wheat)
3/4 teaspoon cinnamon
3 tablespoons red hots candy

Combine until "fluffy" earth balance, egg, brown sugar and vanilla.
In a separate mixing bowl combine oats, flour, and cinnamon.
Mix the dry into the wet - just mix until combined, do not over mix.
Add in red hots (and chocolate chips if desired) scoop teaspoons full onto a parchment lined sheet and bake at 325* for 11-13 minutes until just browning.
I recommend cooking on the parchment (the red hits melt) and keeping an eye in them. They go from not done to burned very quickly

Just random

I have so many thoughts running through my head lately. Partly about this blog, I really don't know where I want it to go... I am honestly struggling in my recovery and think that this blog is something I need as a part of it. But what kind of blog is it?
A healthy living blog? No, not now but hopefully someday!
A craft blog? Again no, crafting is a part if me but I will occasionally go easily a month without doing a single one
A pet blog? Doubt it, I do love pupster and the horse but I'm not sure that that's what I need...
I think it's going to be a joy blog a little of me on the web.
I asked for a writing class for Christmas I would like to write well make sense and have opinions and stories and yes giveaways!

For today;
I am thankful for the ability to keep fighting

And as for the cake above? Hubster's birthday is thanksgiving but I had a party for him on Saturday - I made a cake (I was so proud of me) the theme was star wars - so yoda it was... My 4 year old nephew stopped by and informed me "that's not yoda! It's shrek silly aunty"

Photo for etsy

I am excited to be getting a profile of my friends dig for her and this is the picture I have for the artist (if it isn't good enough let me know and I will take another)

Missing the point?

I am a true believer in alternative medicines. Today I woke up physically mentally and spiritually just off. When 1:00 hit and other than a run on the treadmill I had done nothing I knew I needed to do something (ha! That sentence makes mo sense yet says it all) so I called to see if acupuncture clinic could fit me in - and they could! And so here I lay not being restful but instead reading my google reader and blogging...
Do you think I am missing the point here?

What about you? What R some things you could do to better help yourself?

Well I am off to relax

Day 11

Today was all about smiles - see it is a picture frame quilt so it says "smiles are
Perfect"

Day 10

I left this one at the bank. Banking stresses me so I wanted to give someone a highlight while they are there. And leaving it certainly lifted my day

Day 9

I figure that everyone needs to remember they are great!

Day 8

I am loving the operation beautiful note a day project - though a couple days I have missed and had to do two the next day! Today I put it on every bloggers love:
Pumpkin by Libby

Day 7

Believe in yourself! At the grocery store

Day 6

Today's amuses me :-) get it - the tag says you rock and it is a rock water fountain!

My macaroon Monday

Well it certainly isn't a macaroon but it is something I have wanted to create for a while but didn't know how. Julie, Evan, and Heather's fun macaroon Monday http://www.hangrypants.com/2010/10/macaroon-monday/ gave me the impetus I needed to create a warm fruit soup...

In the summer I am all about the homemade Popsicle but come cooler weather I only want soups. Even fruit is not appealing so I have long thought a warmed fruit soup would be delish but all the recipes I saw just weren't for me.

Yesterday I made my own!
To recreate you need:
32 ounces of apple juice (I used light)
1 1/2 cup sliced peaches (I used half a bag of frozen)
1/4 cup sweetener (I used splenda)
1/4 cup frozen blueberries
1 1/2 teaspoons of cinnamon
1 cup coconut milk (I used trader joes light)

Place all ingredients in a small crockpot for 8-10 hours and then immersion blend. For the hubster I portioned out a cup and added in 1/4 cup old fashioned oats (uncooked) and let set for 5 minutes so there was a little bite to it. For me I drank it plain. It was SO GOOD! trust me you want this in your rotation!

Day 5

Today's was a "calm" tea left on a restaurant table that I wrote keep calm + enjoy life operationbeautiful.com

Day 4

I love that this pit looks as though he's smiling and the note says smiles are beautiful

Day 3

This one also says you are amazing (I need creative ideas) but that seemed appropriate for a display of the museum of science

Do I make you proud?

Do you know that song? Taylor hicks sings it. Hubster loves it! And he lives it! The other day we went to screemfest at canobie lake park and I am such a chicken and they were selling glow necklaces for $5 so the "monsters" wouldn't get you. Well hubster practically skipped me over to the vendor. He really didn't care that if they weren't going to scare me and he was with me he was going to lose out on that experience too. When I pointed that out he said I vowed to keep you safe from everyone I can and these characters are some of them! I snuggled him and he whispered that that was way better than anything a theme park could offer him! Yup he made me proud!

I wanted to give him a little something and I KNEW just what to offer! I went on the above roller coaster with him! We sat in the front seat and I only offered one blood curdling scream he told me how proud he was :-D

The rest of the night we all just hung out having a great time until I suggested the 2 boys do the haunted house without us so they could get the full effect (we all had gone through one - hubster was a rockstar who held my hand pointed out my necklace accepted my tightly closed eyes and told me a story of princesses as I squirmed through praying to die rather than go through this). They went but I got frequent texts making sure I was okay (I need to add here that if I wasn't truly afraid of every part of this - with reason - he wouldn't have been so cautious he does NOT BABY me and I wouldn't want him to)

And over all he continued to make me proud!

So how about you... What are your fears? If you are in a relationship does your SO accept them?

Day 2

Today I wrote in the back of a receipt at a cool boutique and left it at the register - I realized though that I forgot to put operationbeautiful.com on the bottom!

Where are some of your favorite places you have left ob notes?

Day 1

My goal for November is to put out an operation beautiful note and then blog it!

This one says smiles are awesome

Longing

To belong...

This is a topic I have never broached before.

I am seriously just dying to belong.

Recently, as I looked through my contacts on my phone I realized how little I belong with these people who are or were "my friends"! They all seem to have moved in other directions - kids and family (and most don't consider pupster a real boy -- silly people), or they are single and doing the dating thing (and even IF hubster were up with that I have to go with the "it takes me hours to get up the courage for doc appointments and therapy" reality of my life), or they are excelling in careers and I am at home working out.

I have a few friends I met in different in-patients and they are probably the people I am closest to. One of them was recently readmitted to the ward where I met her, and we were talking about her phone # and that it was familiar and one of us must have been in that bed before and for some reason this upset the hubster (he felt like we should at least know what rooms we have been in) and just a little bit I felt like a _______ (not sure what the right word is? Misfit? Outsider? What?) in my own marriage. I had to wait until the hurt sting went away and then I said something to him and he apologized fir hurting my feelings, but really should he have? I doubt it.

Where am I going with this? Idk, I guess my question for you is how do you belong? Is it a feeling? Is it a commonality? Is it a choice?

Wild horses couldn't keep me from entering

Carly's http://swimrunom.wordpress.com/2010/10/11/great-blogger-pumpkin-carving-contest/ pumpkin carving contest!

I had the best time carving these rearing horses! I only wish there was a third one... I at my "hey day" had three - we called them my ladies. "off to see the ladies" "the ladies are waiting" "the ladies send their love"...

Then my beloved Cla died of colic, and my Needles got her wings on Easter (she was 13 days shy of 43) and I am left with the imp

So I guess it is appropriate that there are only two horses here they are my rearing ladies from heaven!

Happy Halloween

Savory scones!

Tonight I decided to make hubster a turkey dinner (full disclosure here it's an on-Cor family meal - I don't eat meat I am not doing whatever it is you do to a bird) and in the side I roasted some carrots in a splash of coconut oil (I get the obsessions now) and then I thought to myself "self hubster needs a bread to go with this" and since there wasn't time for the bread machine to do it's magic I figured I would make scones (I thought that sounded prettier than biscuits) and I looked online but I didn't have cheese or baking powder so... I made up my own from a few I found!

2 cups flour
1/3 cup sugar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon powdered buttermilk
7 tablespoons of butter
~1/2 cup salsa (I had made it a couple nights ago)
1 egg

Mix flour through salt. Mix in butter (I used a fork most recipes suggested your fingers). Set aside.
In a separate bowl mix buttermilk egg and salsa and pour into butter mixture.
Combine.
Make a round shape and score into however many pieces you want this to be. I made 8. Cook at 400* until golden brown ~ 22 minutes!

Enjoy hubster sure is!

The things that are difficult

Are there things standing in your way from being the person you want to be?

Is it an illness? Mental or physical?

For me it is often a compulsion with numbers... All numbers, I used to count 6s and 9s as a way of relaxing and then it was transferred to calories and the scale.

Now it is most often time. Time on the treadmill, time until hubster gets home, days until I see the doctor (though that ones in dread). Anyway, recently I had my labs drawn and it came back with me having high cholesterol and it triggered every bad behavior I know. I have spent the last 4 (again with the numbers) days fighting through this with the help of pupster - we have gone on countless walks and he hasn't minded one bit my tears on his shoulder. Ironically while in the woods yesterday I got bit by a tick and now have an appointment tomorrow with the doc (you know the person I was most avoiding) to check for Lyme!

But the good part of all this is the sights I have gotten to see... Including these turkeys who were certainly taking their damn sweet time getting out of my way. Heaven knows I wasn't going to hurry them I am still scared of birds after all...

Kettlebell step 4 - finished product

The last part of making your bell is wrapping the handle. You want to wrap several layers around the handle for 2 reasons

A - to keep your handle stable, this is important for proper position and form

B - to make the handle comfortable for holding!

Now that you have finished your bell I suggest trying out YouTube for a beginner's workout and as you progress you can make heavier weights for soooo little! How much fun is this?

Do you have any inexpensive exercise equipment or ideas?

HERE IS A KETTLEBELL WORKOUT I FOUND...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOyZxI2Zs5w&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Kettlebell step 3 - taping it up

The next step is taping up.

You want to go from bottom to top and double tape it for safety (no broken toes from breaking tape and dropping rocks)

Start with around the bottom and then over the handle - fold the edges of the tape around the handle

Then make a cross and go around keep cutting the areas in half until your bell is all covered

Now go around the bell sideways. Until there is no bag showing.

Kettlebell step 2 - picking the weights

I put 1 pound of rocks in each ziploc bag (weighed on my kitchen scale)

And arranged the bags in the bag

It left a little space on the top but I was okay with that.

Zip it shut and be prepared to make magic!

Kettlebell step 1 - assembling the ingredients

To make my kettlebell I went to the local dollar store and bought a cosmetic bag (this was pretty small - about 4.5 x 4.5 x 4.5) with a short handle (this is important because the handle length on kettlebells make it possible to do the different exercises)

I also bought a roll of duct tape at the dollar store

I used 4 ziploc bags (that I had at home)

And rocks from my yard

A post in parts

Today I am babysitting my 4 year old nephew and his 1 year old pupster... I won't get into I saw him born. I fed him his first bottle = and how old this makes me feel old... I mean the kid walks talks has whole conversations! But the point is I decided while he was watching handy Mandy I would be a little handy myself! I am working on making a home gym so I can perhaps give up one of my gym memberships (I have two because one is convenient and cheap but one is 35 minutes away but sooooo luxe).

So I have a trampoline at home ($5.00 score at the salvation army - brand new) that I run on! And I often borrow DVDs from the library most recently I saw they had kettlebell work outs. I stopped at the store to buy a kettlebell and saw a 4 pound bell was $35 and decided I would make one... The following few posts are the steps (as I am blogging from my phone and I want a photo with each step and can only add one photo per post) this project made an approximately 4 pound bell for $2!

Let me know if you make one!

A matter of perspective

Admittedly I am struggling right now. I am weight restored and stable but all the other ED crap is bothering me and body image is quite often keeping me away from the public eye :-/

But like anything you can try to change how you look at it...

Pupster had to get some work done on his hips and is therefore forced to wear a silly cone on his head for two weeks! Now I really wouldn't blame him if he was moody and whiny about this heaven knows I would be (heck I am whiny about it and I'm not the one wearing it). But pupster is acting like it's the greatest thing ever! It's not a cone... It's a scoop for his best toys, it's a way to trap his little "sister" (an 8 pound Japanese Chin!) for a game, it's a megaphone so his favorite squeaky toys are extra loud! He doesn't mind it one bit...

I think I need to take a few lessons from pupster and find the positives in situations, what about you? How are you working on improving yourself?

Ode to the iPhone

Ever since the original iPhone came out and people were waiting 12 hours in line for them I coveted one. I had faith in any product Steve Jobs had his hand in on.

Well money and fear of the dreaded touchscreen kept me from getting one. Then in June my beloved motorola karma died and the warranty replacement out of stock for 3+ weeks... What would I like to do? Well hubster was eligible for an upgrade so they offered to let me upgrade on his # but have the phone on mine. I would still get the replacement karma but I could get myself a new phone and keep the karma as a back up... I decided to bite the bullet and get the iPhone - I got the cheap model (8 gig 3GS) and walked out of the store nervous and about $100 poorer - but confident because if I hated it I could always switch back when the karma came in. Needles worry I tell you!

I love my phone! It is my security blanket. I am never without it! I blog from (say hi to the phone), I use it for pictures (as a matter of fact I use it for an app called project 365 which is a way of documenting a year of your life with a single photo a day, I web surf, I YouTube, I chat with friends (via I M), I play scrabble with the hubster, I use the calendar to remind myself of everything from when to give pupster his heartworm meds (Tuesday) to when I have therapy next (also Tuesday), I use it as a flashlight in the middle of the night, I watch tv on it and admittedly I track calories and exercise on it. I am not kidding when I say this phone is my lifeline!

I am what hubster calls an app whore... I just love that if I can think it I can tap a screen and have it! Amazing!

Do you have an iPhone or other smart phone? What features does it have that you love? Any apps I gotta get?

Finding inner peace (I need to)

Today I have to go to my old doctor's office... She sent me a letter a while ago saying she wouldn't see me anymore because she found me noncompliant. Although I disagree and did then too and had (have?) issue with a doctor saying you're too sick for me and then not suggesting any other alternatives it is what it is... But anyway, I have stalled as long as I could in finding a new doctor as the therapist has said there wasn't a choice anymore and I have an appointment two weeks from today. So today I am going to the old docs to fill out the paperwork to get copies of my medical records - ummmm hello awkward!

Going into that office I used to go into 1 to 2 times weekly weighing a bit more than I did last time I was there has caused some behaviors I am not proud of...

Add to that a weekend horse show where I was judging and I am not in a great place... So where does that leave my inner peace? Well I don't know, so I am searching...

At this weekend's horse show there was a henna artist and I love me some henna... So I got two tattoos the first is a large floral vine that travels from the tip of my left pinky up past my wrist, it's very pretty and very traditional. The other (the photo above) is the ohm symbol in my right palm. I am hoping that it will remind me to take a step back and breathe over the next two weeks. I hope it works... I am also adding in a second "mandatory" daily yoga/meditation session of 10 minutes or more...

Question:
Do you yoga? Does it help?
Do you fear docs?

"be careful what you ask for"

My mother used to have phrases for me

"joy don't cut off your nose to spite your face"

"you made your bed now lay in it"

And the list could go on forever....

But a common one was becareful what you ask for - you just might get it...
Well she is gone but tonight (yup tonight) I get it! I got what I asked for (and not in a good way)

Hubster got out of work early and I was looking forward to the night together (we are emerging from a rough patch a little beaten but stronger) but he got a phone call from a friend if ours who invited HIM out for a fun evening. It stung, this is someone I adore.

The thing is... Would I have gone? Idk probably not. I still am not comfortable being seen, I prefer to be alone or in crowded places where I am an unknown face. Where I am invisible.

I would have liked to have been asked though. You know what? How many times are people going to allow themselves to be turned down? "you get what you give" (another favorite of my mom's)

So I guess I am going to have to start pushing myself out of my comfort zone and inviting people in if I expect them to do the same...

So:
What are some of your favorite phrases?

A couple more of my mom's are
If the student hasn't learned then the teacher hasn't taught

God keep you to morning

Sweet dreams or none at all

Sweet dreams sweet repose and god bless

Brady you throw like a lady

And a zillion more

Most of my favorites make no sense out of context
ie- they let me drive da big twuck
Whose a p***y now, b***h?
I like the way you say that

Another poem

It has recently been pointed out to me how much I expect of hubster and pupster - I consider them extensions of me and really do want a lot from them... My friend called me on it when I was sad and spiraling because pupster did something dog-like. The problem is that he is so often perfect that when he is not idk what to do!

This was my haiku on it!

I baked!!!

I often tell people I don't cook.
Which isn't entirely true nor is it entirely a lie.

I cook in the crockpot fairly frequently...Even if the hubster hates having crockpot amounts of food just for him.

I bake when the feeling hits.
The thing is I do NOT cook on demand not ever!

But a friend was having a week where he was tired and working a lot of hours so I htought it would be nice to make him some beer cookies and after a quick google search I came up with these
http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,1710,153185-227200,00.html

So I followed the directions and ended up with something resembling pancake batter.
There was no way that they were going to be able to be shaped and fried (or baked in my case) so I decided to tweek the recipe
I used
3 cups AP flour
2 tablespoons of wheat germ
2 tablespoons of canola oil
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon of salt
1 can coors light
1 teaspoon baking powder
(just seeing now they were supposed to have eggs ooopsy)
2 tablespoons cocoa powder

combine all ingredients except for the cocoa, pour half of mixture into a greased 9x13 pan (I use mazola cooking spray. into other half of mixture add cocoa and stir. then drop the cocoa batter in drops on the plain batter and swirl to make a marble loaf. bake at 350 for 20-30 minutes (when it springs back to touch)
cut into small squares and dust with powdered sugar. They are sort of similar to a scone in texture

I am told these are the best thing i have ever made...

I actually have been doing a bit of baking lately so I will have a couple more recipes coming up for you

Question:
Do you bake? If yes do you bake more in the fall or summer?

Running for sanity?

Lately I have been running every day - I have been averaging 7 - 10 miles a day. I wasn't worried about this until the other day when I took the pupster ( and really isn't he just handsome?) for a walk with a friend, we covered about 3 miles chatting all the while. I decided that harvard square is nowhere near as pet friendly as Coolidge corner - people were borderline rude! And then we went home. Sounds innocent enough, right? Well I got home and did some yoga and a quick abs workout and was waiting on the hubster to get home from work. Within half an hour of sitting there I started to panic that I wasn't running that day. I seriously thought about trying to control my thoughts but gave up on it when I remembered we were going to see a movie that night (a local mall is setting up a family drive in each Saturday night for the month of august - free of charge and with a concert and games for the kids beforehand) and I didn't want to be stressed all night and take it out on the hub so I threw on a pair of shoes and put in 3.5 miles. I was glad I did but at the same time a little disappointed that I can't just allow myself a rest day...

I really am confused as to whether I am getting better (which I am in the fact that I am eating some solid foods) or worse because I have an actual tracker on my phone to be sure I get in enough exercise...

Also randomly last week my therapist questioned if I wanted to get better. I do! But I am wondering what it is about me that makes those I work with question this. As it is my doctor discontinued seeing me because she says I am non-compliant (am seeing a new doc next month) and my nutritionist has given up too - I am thinking of how I want to handle that one, I am thinking of one or two of the health bloggers I admire (for their comfort with food) who do online nutrition coaching since it is really hard for me to get out (body image issues make me hate being seen)

So if you survived that what do you think of my nutrition online coach idea?

Are you beautiful?

YES!

This week Caitlin of healthytippingpoint.com and operationbeautiful.com (sorry don't know how to add links from the iPhone) was on good morning America! I am so excited for her! She is AMAZING

I dvr'd the show and showed it to the hubster and he was as moved as I was! So for friday night date night we brought a pad of post it's and put up notes everywhere. A few of my favorites were:
The mall had a huge ad for gift cards as gifts, we put YOU ARE A GIFT!
another was
A price fixe menu board we wrote YOU NEED NO FIXING
another
On a price scanner YOU ARE PRICELESS!
and lastly on a scale THIS IS A # YOU ARE A MIRACLE

Overall this made hubster and I feel so good and made for a great date night (minus my newly broken tooth)

What are your weekend plans?

Not sure what to do

The hubster's car is dying -- the mechanic has said he won't repair it anymore... Well he will repair it but says it needs enough work that it will be $1000 now and he sees more and more of these coming down the road in the very near future it will need a $400 repair and a couple $300 repairs... It is 12 years old and has 240,000 miles on it... It has done it's job. The problem is that with me not working we have no extra money for a car. The hubster wants a new(ish) car with the car payments that go with, I want an old POS that will last us a year or two and only cost $1000 or less. In 2 years my car will be paid off and I will be working and making $ and we will be in a better place to spend money. But this leaves us at an impasse - what do we do from here... Well this 1996 Lincoln mark 8 might be the answer it is cheap ($800) and it was the hubster's dream car when he was a kid... We are going to look on it tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me...

But in case it doesn't work out - do you have or know of a cheap reliable car for sale?

The little success

Saturday was one of my favorite times of year - it was Halloween! Well at least it was at my niece's campground. And as I have mentioned I just haven't been in the best place lately and wasn't sure ED would let me go (for those who think that's a cop-out I say live it!) but I got up and "allowed" myself a hard workout and then some yoga. And then I forced myself not to get on the scale - I knew if I did that would be it and I wouldn't be able to go. I really wanted to see the kids and I am happy to say I didn't jump on the scale and I did go to camp - I would love to say it was easy but it wasn't not only was my body image shit but my niece's kids hug A LOT and ED does not like to be touched. But I pushed through and was so happy I got to see the headless horseman (above) the pirate and first mate and the football ballerina. Score one for the good!

How was your weekend?
When was the last time you beat a demon?

Pins and needles

This week I went back to acupuncture - I went before I was last in the hospital and it really did a world of good for my head back then and have high hopes for it again... I know it is cumulative so I will stick with it and give it a go! This week was a little hard as I went there from therapy and it was a rough session for me.
I am working hard to get my head back in the healing game... That said ED has been kicking me lately, restricting sucks! But more difficult for me is the exercise I don't seem to be able to "keep it reasonable" worst was today when in a kettlebell class I hit my knee with the bell and continue through the class AND THE NEXT ONE with a throbbing swollen knee...
Alas baby steps right? And at least I am recognizing it!

I have started doing little poetries again! I hope you enjoy!!

As luck would have it

The hubster was craving oatmeal and Katie http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/2010/07/17/breakfast-sundae-school/ was having an oatmeal sundae contest all at the same time so I killed two birds with one stone (eww why do I want to kill birds?) and made him an oatmeal sundae . Included in this masterpiece (if I may call it that) is oatmeal (cooked with a naner don't tell the hubs), chocolate sauce because it isn't a cck sundae without chocolate, a peanut butter "whipped cream" dollop (since hubster doesn't like anything actually resembling whipped cream) some if my homemade crazy-Nola that I swear he only eats because I put m&m's in there (along with whatever crap sugar coated cereal he has in the cabinets) and a "cherry" made if an m&m. And the best part? He actually said that everything about this breakfast was perfect "right amount right combo right texture..." I may keel over and die! Thanks Katie for helping me think outside the old box on this one!

There is something...

Have you ever just seen someone and been drawn to them? Not necessarily in a romantic way but just drawn? Well this man does it to me. I first saw him a couple months ago walking down the street in Brookline looking much like this and I wanted to take his picture - there is something so timeless about him and I just wanted it captured. Well before I could get my wits about me he was gone ( he is a speedy little bugger ) this has happened a few times since then and each time I miss him, well the other day I saw him and my camera was already primed so I snapped a quicky as he walked by. And I think it is perfect! You can see his mission, his drive, his purpose if you will. I wonder what stories he has to tell... In his honor I am naming my most recent Popsicle creation spice of life pops - give 'em a try you won't regret it.

Spice of life pops
3/4 cup buttermilk (real or dairy free/homemade or store bought)
1/4 cup + 2 tablespoons water
Juice of 1 orange
2 tablespoons zest of orange
1 teaspoon vanilla
Good dash of cinnamon
1/3 cup sweetener (I use splenda)

Combine and freeze either in Popsicle molds or in an ice cube tray. Enjoy

Lend me a hand

I had a friend named brother blue - he was a storyteller. The hubster loved him and many many all over admired and respect him. He passed away and although I went to his wake ED kept me from his funeral and parade (body image). Well yesterday I had to go to healthworks in porter square instead of my normal Brookline location (renovations) and on the way out I noticed a grocery store and thought I would stop in looking for the ever elusive taro (another pop recipe I made up) and although I didn't find taro I found an exhibit of the parade props for blue. His beautiful hand with it's perfect butterfly on it. I needed it yesterday as I have been struggling a lot lately - I know I am slipping and have been brutally honest about it with my team I know I don't want to go down this road again. So thanks blue I needed your wisdom "ONE MORE TIME!"

How I see it

I have so many things I think of to post but then I think to myself "joy, who really wants to hear that?" so what I have decides is even if they are stupid little things I am just going to bop them up and maybe they will be what someone needs ( even if that someone is me and what I need is to get it off my chest)

The other day I donated my glasses that I have had for 8 years I have had a few new pairs since then (thank you zennioptical.com and eyebuydirect.com) but I just didn't want to part with my old faithfuls - they were a security blanket for me. I got married in them I said goodbye to loved ones in them I welcomed Tyler into this world with them and somehow never wearing them again made me sad. Until I saw a box that had words of affirmation on all 4 sides and on one side it said "joy" and the next one said "donate your glasses here" and I knew that was the universes way of telling me it was time to let someone else have a little of my view of the world! I did give them a little photo shoot before I let them go - this is my favorite of the photos.

Do you get attached to silly things?
I certainly do - my mom used to say I humanize everything remind me to tell you about the gingerbread cookie someday...

I created

I am so in awe of myself at the moment! I had been making whipped the blog's lemon buttermilk Popsicles (well my version - making soy milk buttermilk with lemon and using splenda rather than sugar) but today I decided I wanted a different flavor so I decided I wanted to try either watermelon or cocoa. Watermelon won out and this recipe was created

WATERMELON BUTTERMILK POPSICLES

2 cups watermelon purée (created with ~4 cups watermelon in the food processor)

1 cup regular or nondairy buttermilk

3/4 cup sugar or splenda

1 tablespoon lemon juice

Blend and put in Popsicle molds - this made a shitton and I molded 6 pops and a full tray of ice cubes...

Enjoy and if you make em tell me what you think...

Views

Parking at the gym the other day I was greeted with this view. I knew I wanted to share it and felt that there was SOMETHING here, I just couldn't figure out what. Then today (after being woken up at an ungodly hour by the in laws because they wanted to know what time to come over for fourth of July stuff - does no one follow the 9 to 9 rule nomore?) I decided to just start blogging so I chose my picture and jumped into Photoshop (I love my iPhone though that is a post for another day) to edit this and I went to effects and got busy I added rainbow and made it black and white I tried vignette and a quad and none of it made this picture better. And maybe that was the lesson this photo was supposed to teach me (and you) that maybe we are better just the way we are and we don't need alterations. I don't want to be a depressing blog - though those days do happen to the best of us but this is a lesson I need right now. I am not in my best ED state of mind lately (actually in therapy hospitalization came up and I am trying to avoid that) so the timing was appropriate.