Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Mental illness?

I remember when I started slipping this time around it wasn't just me who slipped. It was my friends and family; they slipped away one by one!

First, it was the dinner invites (thank heaven), then craft days (sad), gym dates (sadder still) and finally phone calls and emails. Until I was left, alone, with this power in me - no, scratch that - this power OVER me, that reminded me that I was worthless and deserved every evil thing I did to myself. Every meal skipped was punishment, every mile logged a reminder that I was far away from being someone who was cared for or, for that matter able to be cared about.

***I am going to stop myself here to interject that I do have a husband who stood and continues to stand by my side.

I DID and DO have a couple friends who reached out and, when I couldn't reach back, came and strode beside me.

I also still have a couple friends who, to this day call and come over and probably know of nothing being wrong because my job to them is to be their friend (a role I am okay with so don't think this is pitiful).

I do have friends I have made in ip and at resi who daily amaze me!

I want to touch on a couple of these before I get to my point here.

Hubster = great guy who REALLY doesn't see evil in this world, so to him I'm not sick and it is not something we discuss.

Friends who have reached out and supported (Laura & k) me = there was a period where I thought that they hated/were ashamed of me. That was the eating disorder talking and for a year I was convinced hook line and sinker! A single hug from k (aka the world's best hugger and the only person who has permission to hug me whenever) and a gentle invitation from l with honesty and kindness for thanksgiving broke those walls for me (okay that and they think pupster is cute!)

Friends who never know = this is a hard one for me, part of me loves it and then part of me gets to the "where is the back and forth in this relationship?"

And lastly new friends who only know "crazy joy." I often wonder if (when??) I get better, will they still love me? Or is our desire to injure our bodies, minds, and souls our bond? I believe with a couple it is but I am pretty sure at least 2 (l and n) are for keepers!

This brings me to today! Today, I sat in a church and cried silent tears while in the company of 4 others. Let me repeat that: 4 OTHER PEOPLE! as my cousin Joe was laid to rest!

Joe was wonderful, and sweet, and literal, and loved to dance (he has been taking ballroom dancing for years) He truly lived the simple life, he had childlike virtues and gentleness. You couldn't help but love him! Joe was crazy, he was, I guess you'd say, clinically insane.

As I sat there I was brought to my own funeral - would the handful come? Probably. Would those who had been my "best friends" for years? Or would the stigma of loving someone like Joe, like me, maybe even like you, keep them away? I don't know and honestly, I don't want to.

I started out being very sad with these thoughts and the turnout and then a little bit of Joe reached me and I decided that those people he has danced with for years? Well, this week they'll dance for him. And his girlfriend? Well, I am sure there's a smile or two that will leave her face and land on his. And my sisters? Well, shame on them, I hope they remember that nobody chooses insanity. But I still hope they can send a thought, a prayer, a laugh or a kiss up to an old friend with a child's light!

So I leave with this request: if you have someone in your life with a mental illness (including yourself) please remember them. Cards, phone calls, emails and visits are relatively cheap and yet priceless!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

The kindness of strangers

Today I took the pupster on a decent walk (my friend from resi called it a walk sponsored by Ed) and while I was walking I walked by a gentleman snow blowing his drive. I waved and continued on my way. About 5 minutes later a huge black truck pulls up to me and asks me if I am joy --- I replied I was (with what was I'm sure a "shit do I know you?" look on my face) he reached over and handed me my target card and said "you dropped this in front of my house and when I went to do the next swipe with the blower I saw it"
What a kind man, not only did he not go shopping. He left his work, jumped in his truck, found me and returned it! What a great guy!!

I guess there really are good people left in this world!

When was the last time you got or did a random act of kindness?

Sunday, January 16, 2011

missing and loving

I have been loving making videos out of photos on my phone with lifecasting lately (best .99 app) this one is special to me! The man you see in the last 2 pictures is my nephew (those little ones are his boys). My neph is in Afghanistan, he was born a hero and it makes sense he is over serving his country but man do I miss knowing he is safe! I just heard a new story about him, I'll share if you don't mind...
My boyz LOVE to eat and we just found out neph is stashing his desserts and giving them to the Afghani kids! What a love

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Rewarding yourself (ED related)

Because I am facing a deadline for showing some improvement (& honestly I am not sure how much will be enough) I have decided to appease my inner 5 year old and offer prizes for successes.

So for right now they are if I go 2 weeks without purging I can buy myself the sodastream I really want.

If I make it to and work at all scheduled therapy and lab and doc appointments I can get myself 4 bottles of their diet soda mixes.

I really want to add if I can go 1 month self injury free I can get pupster his dog door - the flaw? If I fail it will be a spiral of SI because I will have let my best furry friend down!

Do you reward yourself and if so what are some examples...

Ps- the bike up above is one my mom won me right before she died - I rewarded myself with bringing it up (and getting a trainer for it) for cleaning the hobby room! Woot woot

Sunday, January 09, 2011


You know the phrase "when the going gets tough the tough get going"?
Yeah totally not relevant here my phrase would be "when the going gets tough Joy can't sleep"
Seriously whenever I struggle insomnia steps in. I know that it's common for people to not be able to sleep during difficult times but seriously I am more than a little done with this. I am averaging 45 minutes to 3 hours a night. Honestly I'd be okay with the 3 hours if they were consecutive but in the case of last night it went a little something like this
Fall asleep 11:20
Wake up with chest/back/stomach pains 12:01
(hubster goes to get pup since when I don't feel good I want my poodle)
Think and decide I want to make pupster a quilt for valentine's day (did I mention I come up with asinine ideas in the middle of the night)
Try listening to meditation music
Try counting backward (it's worked for surgeries)
6:19 fall asleep
6:48 wake up for the day - allow myself to jump online (sometimes I do in the middle of the night too but I try not to in hopes of going back to sleep)
And that is s night in my life...
I can't take sleeping pills (i have messed up my body too much for that)
Ativan doesn't really help anymore
Meditation isn't working
Nor do warm baths

Any ideas?
I'd be reallllllly grateful!

Monday, January 03, 2011

Going to the vet = treats from the mama

Pupster had to go to the vet twice in one week and so I took him out for an ice cream afterwards... He *MIGHT* be so spoiled that it wouldn't occur to him to eat it out of his bowl but only held by me and licked like a little kid! But ohhh the look on his face!
I wish I knew how to insert the YouTube video in the post... I have a few more I want to add. Does anyone know how to do that?

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