Saturday, April 24, 2010

Sometimes it hurts

This is a post that has been rambling around in my head for a few days

The last couple of days have shown me a bit of pain - both emotionally and physically

Lets start with the emotional because that one hurt me more - recently a few of my friends were having an exhibition and I really wanted to go. I worked myself up for it for days... I got into Boston a couple hours early, got myself a cup of chamomile tea (which of course I just found out I am allergic to - are you kidding me??) and relaxed, I was going! And then the ED started and the doubt creeped in it started with "look at you! You can't go, people will see how far you have let yourself go" and went down from there - I should have ignored it, but I thought maybe a new shirt would help so I ran to the store and tried some on. But! The mirrors I forgot about the mirrors. And then the call of shame "L I can't make it, I thought I could but I just can't - have fun tonight and good luck" and I walked the 3 miles back to my car knowing I had been beaten and it hurt.

As for physical that is the part that I swear people don't understand I wake up in the middle of the night EVERY! SINGLE! NIGHT! in pain because my body hurts - foot cramps from potassium being off, back aches, stomach pains. But this week my osteo kicked me and my ankles are so sore that it hurts to walk, I am hoping I didn't reinjure my stress fractures but it feels like I did. I don't remember doing anything that should have though.

AN, BN, ED - they all suck, how do I get MY life back - you know like the one where I don't have to "check in" to see if I can do something?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


Today I have therapy and I am always so much better after but still a disaster before. The know ing I have to be seen and that knowing I am being "judged" (I know W isn't really judging me or maybe he is - isn't that what therapy is all about?) just sets me off. It makes me a person I don't want to be... There is so much of me that wants to heal and so much of me that is afraid to. I don't even know why I am afraid...

I guess a part of it is that right now in ED I am not afraid - I do things that would scare me and I do not worry - what is the worst that could happen? I am living this hell and anything is pretty much better.

Well I am back from therapy and we talked a lot about my Mom - I miss her and I miss silly things about her like... Her off balance walk and her falling all the time and the fact that she just didn;t believe in failure... She would tell me the only failure was in not trying. Was she right? Am I trying?

I think I would like to set mini goals for the week - so for this week I am going to try to only exercise as long as it is fun and not as long as ED thinks I should.

Friday, April 09, 2010

Finding fun recipes

Today I found a fun recipe that I want to remember - it is easy and low calorie... What more could I want?
It comes from katie over at
It is almond milk yogurt AKA YoMond
I combined a cup of milk with 1 T lemon juice, let it sit for 5 min.

Added 1 T cornstarch and boiled it until it was thick. I added some stevia and a bit of vanilla, stuck it in the fridge and gobbled up for dessert.

Reviving an old friend

I have another blog - I have for the years in between when I started this one (and actually shortly before) and now... So I wonder why I am using this blog again? I think it is because I want to grow and I want to be able to talk more freely and my family (most importantly my nieces) read that blog and so I have to be censored and I really don't want to be anymore. I am struggling and I want to get better and at the same time I fear it like nothing I have ever feared before.
I want to be able to talk about food or lack of it depending on where I am in the journey, I want to be able to talk about exercise, and body image and all the problems that go along with an eating disorder - the isolation from family and friends, the fear, the same - all of it. And so this old friend is back a place for me to find my place in this world whether it is in an ED world or free from those chains I guess time will tell!

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