50 questions 1 at a time question 10

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

I'd like to say that I feel like this question is about the same as question 2...

This sort of paralyzes me... I really want to do the right things (hello recovery I'm looking at you) but I think that maybe if I did things right the right things would happen. Does that even make sense? (btw I feel like I say that phrase more than anyone I know)

+++ so what about you? Which would you rather do the right things or do things right?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 9

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

Well I am currently sitting here at the laundromat texting hubster letting him know that this is my first and last time doing laundry here!

To what degree have I controlled my own life? Hmmm hard one! I partially believe that everyone controls their lives but at the same time circumstance really determines a lot. I can't control what happens to me - but I can control how I react to it, right?

That's the part I need to work on - reactions...

+++what about you, have you determined your own life?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 8

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

This is another thinking one... I assume that MY lifespan is about 40 years. So what would I do differently? Well I'd like to change what I'm doing currently... But I can't quite figure out how. And for pupster and hubster I wanna live a long time, they're lots of fun

I plan on talking to my treatment team next week to figure out what I need to do. If I only have a few years left I'd be okay with that IF I were living it rather than just surviving it... However if changes can make it a longer happier life I'm all in for that too!

+++what changes can you make to improve your life?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 7

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

Um I'm assuming they mean working here...

I don't work, I want to I just can't right now. So I would guess that that means I am settling.

BUT I am working towards getting my act together enough so that I can work. And that is such a hard thing because I have no clue what I want to and am able to do. I know that it's important to me to feel like I am bettering the world with my work.

I am a trained florist and have taken event planning courses I love dogs. I would like to work with the elderly or sick... So how do I use those skills towards that goal?

+++what about you? Are you doing what you love? And if not how can you get there??+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 6

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Well since I am blogging from my phone as I walk pupster down the trail near our house and my heart is light and airy I am going to say dog walking.

I love sharing my happy place with him and his friends. He loves the woods as much as I do. I'm sure a part of that is because I am happy but I am also certain that a huge part if it is I am happy because he introduced me to the woods. Before pupster I never went in the woods!

If walking pups in the woods would pay the bills... I'd be rich

+++what would make you rich?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 4

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

Well I can tell you I would NOT change raindrops on roses! (or whiskers on kittens for that matter)

But in reality I'd change judgements. I really think that if people didn't judge one another we'd all be happier and healthier!

Everyone is guilty of it - in good ways and bad... You see a sweet looking old lady and you smile and get warm inside - you don't know that she just bonked someone off the head with her cane. You see a cray cray on the street - and you never know they gave their last cigarette to a friend having a bad day.

People are so much more than a cover

+++are you what you appear to be?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 4

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

Well I can tell you I would NOT change raindrops on roses! (or whiskers on kittens for that matter)

But in reality I'd change judgements. I really think that if people didn't judge one another we'd all be happier and healthier!

Everyone is guilty of it - in good ways and bad... You see a sweet looking old lady and you smile and get warm inside - you don't know that she just bonked someone off the head with her cane. You see a cray cray on the street - and you never know they gave their last cigarette to a friend having a bad day.

People are so much more than a cover

+++are you what you appear to be?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 4

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

I would hope that I have dome more than I've said. There are little things I do that I hope help people and at the same time makes my day! The flower above is a daily "gift" if you will to my friend, it is my way of giving her a hug...

However ED wise I talk harder than I do... Which is probably a bad thing!

+++what about you? Will you have said or done more?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 3

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

This is such a tough question! Because why do we? I guess we do it because in order to live/be a member of society there are certain things you must do!

In recovery there are certain things you must do... Weigh ins - hate them, labs - hate them and stress for days, dig deep in therapy - it's painful but has to be done! But theoretically they are for the greater good. I think in all things IF the things you are doing is for a greater gooder purpose than it makes sense but if it's not than maybe we should follow the lead of the pups above and find a good lake to jump in (even if mom screams no)

+++what's something you like to do and you're not doing it often enough? How can you find time to??+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 2

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
(the photo is my pondering brain)

This one is SO hard for me! I am so afraid of failing but I regret all the things im too scared to try, so isn't that failing by default? But I've written about this before but something about failing defines me and paralyzes me continually... So I think I'm going with failing...

+++what about you? Which is your fear??+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 1

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Above is my little niece B she's 9. We are pretty much on the same wavelength so I'm gonna guess I'd be 9!

Take the craft that she's doing up above... It was at an ac Moore craft day. I borrowed her because I really wanted to go and make the tie dyed shirts and cards for soldiers (ooh and the duct tape bracelets too).

I also "stole" her when I wanted to see Hannah Montana the movie (on opening day no less) she hated it - I was hooked from opening scene.

As she gets older I worry who is going to be my go to for rides at fairs and goody movies and craft days... Fortunately nephew T is still only 5... And he and I are going to home depot this weekend to make a lunch box! Living the good life here I tell you!

+++so how old are you?+++

50 questions

I've seen this on a few blogs and well at the moment I am taking a break before I destroy the bathroom (I can't seem to put up the mirror)
It originated at
http://www.marcandangel.com/2009/07/13/50-questions-that-will-free-your-mind/

I'm thinking I'll do one a day just to remember to blog and start doing something other than house fixing

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

22. Why are you, you?

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

25. What are you most grateful for?
Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

26. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

27. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

28. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

32. If not now, then when?

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for

Last looks

Leaving home in a sense involves a kind of second birth in which we give birth to ourselves.
Robert Neelly Bellah

A week ago I took this picture - a last look back through the doorway that had always been my home. The day was so hectic and crazy but I managed to remember the few "goodbye" rituals I really wanted to do.

I took this picture as I left

I took a picture of the tree in the front yard that my mom planted the day they moved in there.

I "made" real vanilla from a kit (you simply poor good vodka over these vanilla beans and write the date in the space provided - it's ready in 4-6 months and can continue being refilled for an entire 7 years)

And I sat on the kitchen floor and cried with hubster and pupster while listening to bill harley's moving day http://www.billharley.com/lyrics.asp?SongID=517 (got it on iTunes - you should too)


Car’s full,
Trunks packed -
Stuff on the roof rack.
Mom says
We leave soon.
Last time
In my room.
One last look out my window -
The yard,
the street,
the place I know.
I go, they stay -
It’s moving day.

Here’s where
My bed stood.
Floors made
Of old wood.
Mom left
The light on
Walls marked
With crayon.
The door I slammed when I was mad.
The place I cried when I was sad.
I go, they stay
It’s moving day.

When I grow up, I might come back
To this place again.
If I find some kids live here
I’ll tell them who I am.

“Let’s go,” Dad calls
I guess that’s all
Goodbye house,
Goodbye room
I won’t be back soon
Down the steps,
Out the front door
Now I don’t live here
Anymore.
Part of my heart stays
On moving day

And it's true a big part of me stayed on "we street" on moving day and forever...

I'll be back soon with the updates of the new house - btw he has a name! Gregory, he's Gregory house. And hopefully I'll get more regular and if we are lucky interesting with my posting!

+++are you a ritual person?+++

Beautiful blemish

If your heart acquires strength, you will be able to remove blemishes from others without thinking evil of them.
Author: Mohandas Gandhi

As I prepare to move from the only place I've ever called home I've gotten pretty sentimental.

Not for the square footage I'm giving up.
Not for the gorgeous floors.
Not even for THE TREE


But for the blemishes -

The stain on the ceiling from when baby A was startled walking into our hobby room and dropped her oj and it hit the ceiling. (she waited for me to yell - I never did, I laughed until there was nothing left in me)

The corner of my wood stairs where a young dog (my nephews) chewed his fears. (my mom taught me 2 things this day 1. Be smarter than the dog you are dealing with 2. Never tell someone what to be afraid of)

The wall where when the undertaker took my mom her knocked a corner. (this was the moment I ceased to exist in my own eyes)

The hidden paint behind the upstairs sink because a young nephew wanted to help me...

Mid breakdown I called my 8.5 month pregnant niece and asked her to come take pics so I could remember (as if I would ever forget) and she did! And she treated it ad solemnly as I needed her to. And then we went out and laughed about galaxies...

This got me thinking, what is it people love about you. Is it the perfection or the stain on the ceilings? And how can we embrace our own nicks?

Last weekend

‘A child building a sandcastle is not "working hard". It doesn’t seem to him to be a task. It simply fills his imagination at the time ti’st going on, and anything else is an irritant.’
— Jonathan Miller

Was the sand castle competition at revere beach.

Hubster LOVES sand castles (actually I think he should compete in an amateur contest someday) so I surprised him and took him. Hello 90*, 80,000 people, and the loudest music I've ever heard! Basically a Joy recipe for disaster. But it wasn't, because I took myself out if the equation and made it all about hub and you know what?

I actually had a good time! It was great to watch hubster play in the water (yup he still PLAYS in the water) and watch him smile and laugh... It made me realize that that's what I'm missing, the living part of life. That's what I need to find! Ohhh but first I need to pack! I move in 5 days....

+++side note I saw what the interior designer (gift from the realtor) is planning on doing with the inside of the new house and holy sick is it gorgeous - its a magazine that I'll get to live in... (I'm still trying to convince myself that I did the right thing here)

+++do you love sand castles?+++

Blogging on purpose

Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.

- Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama


(catch the double meaning of my subject?)

Anyway, I have another post ready about politeness but this word PURPOSE keeps jumping in my head! So I'm gonna try and work it out here

I firmly believe that everyone/everything/every event we come across has a purpose for us. It may make us stronger, happier, more resilient or somehow better...

This week I've been on vacation in Lincoln new Hampshire (1 of my 3 favorite places on earth) the first day a friend had come up with me and about 18 hours in to a week long vacation she missed her boyfriend and left (not very pleasantly but alas her choice and loss). At the same time a stupid money decision on my behalf was crashing down on poor hubster. I was able to fix it from up here but not without inconveniencing a lot of people.

What was the purpose of these events?

Well I think the friend wad to teach me to remember my audience...
And the $ was to assure me that moving to the cardboard box (which I have renamed the wee house because I've sort of fallen in love with it and want to show it the respect it deserved - SIDE NOTE why do people name their cars but not their houses? I mean our cars are misty and buzz...) was the right move for us!

So 2 days later I am in a bit of a financial quandary and call my friend Laura for advice (can't ask hubster because it's about his birthday). I felt like I needed advice because earlier in the week I'd made such a big oops (which she knows all the deets of) so I give her my options
-spend the (lesser) $ now and pray I am okay until closing
- wait until closing and pray it hasn't tripled in cost (a very real possibility)

She replied with an option I hadn't come up with - she'd loan me the $ and I'd pay her after closing.
Now I had JUST finished telling her how I'd screwed up earlier and she said she knew but she also knows that I'll pay her back so let's do it and stop worrying.

After we took care of everything my thoughts again jumped to purpose... What purpose does Laura have in my life?
Was it to loan me money? No, the money was the catalyst (is this the right word) but for that night laura's purpose to me was to remind me that I am a worthy investment. At other points her purpose has been to call me out on stupidity, reign me in, make me feel loved, make me laugh, and peel me off of sidewalks...

So again I thought what is my purpose to Laura?
You might say it's she needs to be needed (perhaps true but I think it's more than that)
I think I offer to Laura (and correct me if I'm wrong) friendship that is true, an ear, a heart that would stop beating for her if need be, a cute poodle to walk (whenever you want he's yours), and probably most important to her is complete honesty...
I hope to someday have more/better purpose to her but for now it's enough...

This comes off as an ode to a friend and it is and it isn't... It is a reminder to look for the purpose around you! It might not be what you think!

+++what's your greatest purpose?+++
****what should I name my house??****

Don't worry I will save you

"the strong must protect the sweet" - Dan castellanetta

ahhh pupster my constant companion. I could not ask for a better friend.

The other day I was mowing the lawn (a chore I go into each time with annoyance - why why why does the darn grass grow back?) and pupster was of course outside with me.

I started the mower and pupster sensing my unhappiness started attacking a running lawn mower. his every motion "I will protect you mommy I will". I took this crazy picture as I shooed him away (to keep him from getting hurt).
It occurred to me though this isn't the first time he has "risked it all" for me.

If we are outside after dark (something I'm afraid of) he has growled at men approaching when I stiffen

If I am particular ly sick in the night he will howl scream or whatever else to get hubster up.

And probably most impressively he simply doesn't allow for purging. If I try he sits at the bathroom door and gives the most pathetic whine/howl... And well it's working. I can proudly say I've gone from 5 to 6 times a day to ONCE IN THE LAST MONTH!!! He is pretty amazing this poodle of mine!

+++so tell me who protects you?+++

Possibilities

"stop thinking in terms of limitations and start thinking in terms of possibility"

Lately I haven't been blogging because I was bit by the good enough bug... There are a number of reasons or excuses why I wasn't good enough to blog. At the end of the day they're irrelevant I blog because it is my out. I blog so that someday I can write "I'm recovered" and someone else can see all the shitty times were worth it (this will happen, right?)

So pretty much what's been up in my life:
House crap 24/7 and although I say it isn't bothering me my body's all over pain probably proves that theory wrong.

I got a droid to replace my dying iPhone and hate it (sorry droid lovers)

My feelings have been hurt from pretty much every angle (probably means it's me)

When I've felt well enough I've taken pupster on some amazing walks!

Hubster made me laugh so hard it hurt when he told pupster "it's a good thing you're a poodle, we need a smart dog since we treat you like you're human" I replied for pupster "what do you mean treat me like I AM HUMAN"

And the MOST EXCITING news is my nephew is home from his deployment in Afghanistan (yesterday)

+++how do you talk yourself out of the doldrums?+++

Thick skin and gorgeous nails

"You can't let other people tell you who you are. You have to decide that for yourself."

Today I got a manicure/pedicure combo (the gift certificate was a b'day gift from a friend) and while the lady was giving me a pedicure she commented that I had thick skin. I giggled (I'm assuming she meant the calluses) and said it's because I'm a runner.

The lady in the chair next to mine decided that a comment was okay and made a "twig" comment (there are seriously not enough words in the English language to explain how much I hate ANY body comments) but today I let it go and texted a friend about something totally separate

Then the manicurist commented on my "odd color combo choice" btw I love teal and red together and the names fit in my life right now "suzi says feng shui" and pinpricks (I'm going to acupuncture tonight) but I laughed and was like whatever

recently I have gotten a couple other comments that I thought wow I am doing so well!

"you look better" (okay still heard fat but I didn't cry then - I waited)

"you know that's the family home you're selling how can you do this?"

"your new house is too small, with no land and an ugly color what were you thinking?"

And I talked about these in therapy and was all like aren't I awesome they don't bother me... My therapist pointed out if they aren't bothering you why are you still talking about them? And you know therapist was right! I am hurt and sad and maybe my skin isn't as thick as I'm portraying... I'm not sure how I'll get there but I will! And I will have FABULOUS nails to boot!

+++is there really anybody who doesn't care what other people think? Who aren't stung by comments?+++

Really I wanna know! And then I want them to tell me how to get there!!

My day in numbers (no triggers)

If equations are trains threading the landscape of numbers, then no train stops at pi. ~Richard Preston

So I have to start this off with I am so mathematically stupid that I don't even know what that quote means but (as you'll see below) I took the train!

On Tuesday I was harried and so I just started breaking things down to the minutiae so I would survive it! Here's that day in #s (and times)

24 - hours in the day
9:00 - time we agreed we would accept offers on our house
9:15 - time I looked at email and found an offer
0 - amount below asking the offer was
45 - the number of days before they want to close
1 - the amount of psychiatry appointments I had already made for that day
2 - the number of psychiatrist appointments I ended up going to
0 - the amount of cars I had available to me (see brake fail of last week)
1 - # of husbands who drove me to the train
About 50 - # of phone calls made!
1 - # of realtors who picked me up at the hospital
1 - # of same realtors who drove me back to the train
3 - vials of blood taken
2 - times I talked to myself OUT LOUD while walking down the street
1 - # of houses I put an offer in on.
1638373 - number of times I jumped up and down when it was accepted!
2 - # of times I went into Boston to the hospital for stuff I deemed could wait and Drs deemed could not!
More than 1,000,000 - poodle kisses I got
1 - sisters who left work to do one more check with me!
A billion - times I lost my mind
0 - times I found it
3 or 4 - times I used behaviors
13 - amount of games I had going on words with friends
15 - # of times I had to sign my name/initial here
1 - # of iPhone batteries that conked out so I couldn't call for a ride home
9 - miles walked to and from the train station!
10.50 - dollars spent on trains
7.40 - dollars spent on the T
1 - friends who helped me decide what to offer
1 - husbands who were at work and couldn't answer
Unmeasurable - amount of frustration at said husband's work!
Also unmeasurable? The excitement of starting a home with pupster and hubster in our LITTLE paradise!

+++have you ever bought or sold a house?+++