Relay really

When I signed up for a relay run in DC the hubster gave me one of those ARE YOU NUTS comments...

I told him I wanted to run in DC (easily one of the most beautiful cities in the world and a "hub" of blogging) and I wanted to see all the fun that was going to happen around the national marathon. It also happened that it was the same weekend as the cherry blossom festival and the kite flying festival! I was IN!!!!


Susannah, Carly, Sana, me, Joanna, and Amanda!

So why a relay? Why not train for the half?
Because, why does a person blog? To become a part of a community and I think that a relay offers even more of that sense of community.
And really I only had even read one of the blogs of the ladies I was running with before I signed up with them (I have since added 4 great new blogs to my list - and you should too)


Another reason to sign up for a relay? This shining face will be waiting for you at 7:00 in the cold to wait for the trade off


AND will wait outside IN THE FREEZING COLD while you stay inside (still shivering) making sure you don't miss the trade off


And will take a good picture of you making it LOOk like you actually waited outside and were hardcore


You won't have to run in this crowd alone!


And best of all you get to finish with a friend - and really isn't that what all of life's about - starting as strangers and finishing as friends?



And the ladies were all super sweet and grateful for my insomniac induced crafting (I made them each medal holders - hubster informs me I have to make these for my etsy shop too)


So yup relay! For a REALLY good time!

Let's have fun! Let's run!!

Omg I had SUCH a good time on this run!
There seriously aren't enough words! Let's start with the ladies Who were in the two teams that made up our group (there is a post about all of them with links to their awesome blogs coming up soon) were amazing!
And Sana (above) www.supersana.com who I actually ran with was SO much fun! AND AND AND this was her first race and you all know how I am about firsts (they are so important to me) so it was extra awesomesauce!

Sana and I were the third leg of a 3 leg relay team and both teams had run together so we were waiting together (well as much as me waiting inside shivering and her being an awesome team player/cheerleader and being outside cheering on other runners is waiting together). Sana saw our team mates and we ran to where we were supposed to meet them and we took off!

The crowd was awesome and people were cheering the whole way. There were some great signs (in a photo post to come) but there was one in particular that said "if it were easy I'd do it" and that made me channel my inner Kendra (voiceinrecovery.com - one of the most inspiring people I "know") and I took a moment to write my body a love letter or thank you note for allowing me to drive 9 hours down, stand in the freezing cold, run 3.1 miles (and later walk (according to my mileage tracker) another 15) and feel pretty good (I did have a few spots when I was really dizzy (but I just pretended I was fine - you know fake it till you make it works)). Sana was great to run with, our paces matched and she didn't mind the fact that I was going to take about 1,000,000 pics of her (it was her FIRST RACE PEOPLE) and smiled each time. She didn't complain the I'd stop to take pics of dogs (yup dogs of DC post coming) she'd go on and I'd catch up! It was great!

Sana and I ran into a blog friend of hers (and now mine) mindy and we finished strong with her! We got our medals and found our teams and hung out with them for a little bit before we all headed off in our own directions - but not before declaring we all work well together and we must do this again (plans are in the works??)

Check our Sana'a recap at;
http://www.supersana.com/2011/03/27/run-baby-runnnn/

***have you ever done a relay?***

(off to take the pupster for a romp in the woods he is waiting ohhh so impatiently - imagine toes tapping on my shoulder)

Most. Awkward. Greeting. EVER!

<<<<>>>>side notes: 1: taking a picture of your own hand is weird (or maybe I need to sleep) 2: so many cool things happened in DC that I am going to post several shorter posts over the course of the next few days (including this one from a rest stop on the drive home @ 4:30 in the morning - I probably ought to be taking a nap) 3: I am the most socially awkward person I know - but this takes it even for me! <<<<>>>>

Setting scene about a buzillion bloggers in one small loud room.

Hi, I'm Holly (from the healthyeverythingtarian.com)

Hi, I'm ummm I I'm sorry I just broke my wedding ring

Look of kind shock on her face

I start to blubber (insert foot into mouth)

It's pearls, ummm I'm a pearl girl, ummm it happens umm it's okay. I'm not a diamond person, my father was a jeweler and a drunk and ummm yeah ummm we got diamonds when he was an ass. I have a diamond it was my mother's, she's dead it was in my family for 8 generations and now I wear it. Ohhhh ummm I'm Joy, nice to meet you!
(all spoken at about 1,000,000 miles per hour while staring at my broken pearl ring willing it back together and my mouth to stop talking!)

And she was the most gracious person ever!

This THIS is why I don't get out much. Wouldn't you want to meet me?
Yeah I think I'll go for that nap now seeing as they don't sell alcohol at rest stops!

Ready to run

Sana and I are ready! We've got our cute shirts, fabulous attitudes, and lots of excitement! Can't wait to tell you about it in a bit!

It's twisted

So the other morning (Sunday) I woke up and tried to find some quiet tasks to do as my sister was still sound asleep in the hobby room (what most people call their family rooms) and I didn't want to disturb her. I came up with finishing these glass necklaces - they only needed the silver and copper twisted around them.

Around noon I woke my sister up -she'd gone to bed Friday night, slept through all of Saturday (claiming she had a headache when I tried to wake her a couple times) and was still tired... I decided it was time for an ER trip she grudgingly agreed (if you call it agreeing when her choices are go on your two feet or be carried). Well 9 hours later she was given quite a few tests, tons of pain meds and 3.5 liters of fluids...

Through out this my mind kept leaving my pretty seriously ill sister and SCREAMING at me that I was missing my workout. Yelling that I shouldn't have been making jewelry that morning I should have gone for a run, that I had no right! What's sad is that I wasn't able to be fully there for my sister because I really couldn't get out of myself.

I went to bed stressed and disappointed in my lack of activity (the ER is not really a place to even try to fit in a workout) and for a first time I woke up the next day and had to fit in two days worth of workouts just so I could fit in my own skin. This made (and makes) me so sad. I really thought I was at a point in my "recovery" where exercise was for fun happy Joy and not to "feed" a sick twisted ED...

I'm not sure where I go with this information - just something to ponder...

***have you ever discovered parts of yourself that weren't as you thought?***

***do you exercise for fun?***

Just because you can doesn't mean you should

I have a niece who says that exact phrase to me periodically, usually when I am thinking in a disordered manner. These jeans bring this phrase out more than ANY other thing.

These jeans. They are "my jeans" we all have that thing that is just well us. These are my thing!

The thing about them is they are my "skinny jeans" when I fit into them my ED is happy, when I don't my treatment team is happy (I'm not exactly sure where *I* fit in this equation just yet). I know exactly what weight I need to be to wear them. I know the exact number(s) where they fit/are too small/are too big. They are my ED security blanket, so to say. We jest that my disordered self prays at the alter of the jeans (not too far from the truth).

The other thing about them is they are old (hand me downs from another niece) and wearing thin. I worry about the knees each time I wear them and each and every precious thread every time I wash and dry them I say a little prayer.

Well the other day heather did a post on a wreath she made from recycled fabric (she even mentions old jeans)
http://www.thenheathersaid.com/2011/03/07/get-crafty-fabric-rose-wreath/
And it set off a little spark in my head like "hmmm maybe I ought to make something beautiful for my home from them rather than keep them as a prison for my ED" and the thought has stuck there...
Missy http://missymiller.wordpress.com recently got rid of a pair of triggering pants and I was so impressed and proud of her (okay and I admit slightly jealous of her bravery)
I don't think I could give or even throw away my favorite jeans but can I make something out of them? That'd be kind of cool I think... Will it free me or send me spiraling? I don't know and that's kind of (ok really really) scary!

***so have you ever done anything like this?***
would you?

Opinions please

My scars tell stories

Today as I was taking a bath (the same one where I took that picture of my scar) I looked down at my knee and I saw a soft pink scar. I remember the day it came to me fondly - Laura and I were biking and I had my first bike fall. I cut my knee and it has a matching sibling on my left elbow. I got up and we rode on (albeit a little more slowly). Do you remember that day Laura? It was a great day!

I looked a little further down my leg and saw a long thin white scar - from early on in my shaving days (the reason I mostly wax now) another time I laughed it off tossed a band aid on and went about my day.

If you look over to my right leg you will see an almost identical scar - from a recent hurried shaving expedition (I really shouldn't shave)

On my right arm you will see a few scars from surgeries to fix my muscles (and carpal tunnel) man was that doc HOTT!

On my stomach is scars from my gall bladder removal. My niece stayed and cared so hard! She's an OR tech and picked my team carefully and wasn't happy when I seized.

My upper lip's 42 stitches my senior year left a scar. I learned the Russian army march for this one - a history teacher tried to make it cool

And the one on my chin still makes me laugh, I was 12 and showing off on my kick ass horse while all my friends were still riding pokey ponies. Well I said whoa and she did! Too bad I didn't and skidded across a street ON MY CHIN! okay lesson learned!

And then there is my "other arm" the one where the scars were intentional. These are the scars I hide... Wide bracelets, long sleeves, well placed hand movements. They too have a story - each of them was a time I needed the physical pain to match the emotional turmoil - the problem here is it never does and just adds another layer of turmoil... And the circle continues!

Today is self injury awareness day - perhaps we could all try to be more aware every day?

***do you have any scar story you'd like to share***

NEDAW11

Today is the last day of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week and I really did want to say something about this. MY problem with this is that this is a week that I am struggling this week and I want to write something positive and uplifting. So instead of writing too much of anything I am going to forward you to some of the people who inspire and strengthen me daily and weekly with their commitments to their recoveries and the recovery of others. Check them out! These are some uplifting ladies!

Voice in recovery - Kendra is an amazing activist who fights for recovery on a daily basis

Actively Arielle - Arielle VLOGS about once a week with words and a passion that jumps off your screen

Medicinal Marzipan - is a wealth of healthy information and positivity

Beautiful struggle - Missy writes so beautifully and honestly about her struggle and recovery - she opens herself up in a way that makes you root for her and fight alongside her!

So really go check them out and if you need more information about eating disorders or recovery please check out NEDA

*recovery is possible

The reason I am not a food blogger

SO! For some reason I decided I needed to join in on this week's BSI - the ingredient is cumin (what is cumin?). I think the reason I chose to join in this week rather than a week I knew what I would be making something with is because I wanted to celebrate with Biz that her wonderful husband Tony is home from the hospital!

So I googled what pairs with cumin I got a LOT of lemon recommendations...

Then again I googled lemon cumin recipes

I got a LOT of soup recipes and some chicken recipes BUT I didn't have any chicken in the house. I recently had seen on some page a recipe for pretzels so I googled lemon cumin pretzels and came up blank...

SO I found this recipe on grouprecipes.com and thought I coupld take out some of the water and replace it with fresh squeezed lemon juice and add in some cumin too...



SO I gathered my ingredients (look at me all fancy here)


and put them in my bread machine and set it for dough (I don't knead dough I hate stuff under my nails)

at the end of it's cycle I had liquid dough so I did some quick thinking and decided to just let the bread machine do it's thing and make it into bread - well it didn't rise so well so it ended up a really small loaf of lemon cumin bread that the hubster says isn't too bad but it is really sour like lemonade that doesn't have enough sugar and you can't taste the cumin at all



So the moral of this story! Welcome home Tony, Biz don't make him this!

ABC of me...

So I am jumping on the bandwagon - I saw this on abbynormally's site (www.abbynormally.com) and think it looks like fun

Time to jump on the Band Wagon.

Here’s everything you DIDN’T want to know about your’s truly!!

A. Age: 36

B. Bed size: Full

C. Chore you dislike: Laundry

D. Dogs: Dobby aboobacus

E. Essential start to your day: Pupster kisses

F. Favorite color: Depends on the day, pink, purple blue

G. Gold or silver: Silver

H. Height: 5’4″

I. Instruments you play(ed): Old English handbells

J. Job title: Wife/doggy momma

K. Kids: Dogs!

L. Live: Massachusetts

M. Mom’s name: Joan

N. Nicknames: JL

O. Overnight hospital stays: way. Too. Many!

P. Pet peeves: Passive aggressiveness.

Q. Quote from a movie: “Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten"

R. Righty or lefty: Righty.

S. Siblings: Really 3, I claim to 2

T. Time you wake up: Between 1:30 and 4:00

U. Underwear: Sometimes

V. Vegetables you dont’ like: Olives. Are they veggies?

W. What makes you run late: Jim

X. X-rays you’ve had: Lots: back, arms, legs, jaw, mouth, pelvis, shoulders... You break a lot when you have horses and are clumsy!

Y. Yummy food you make: Soup

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Giraffe

Validation

So I have a (very small) shop in etsy www.etsy.com and I post things there every now and then. It makes me feel as though I am making my jewelry and yarn crafts (which I enjoy doing) for a purpose (because really how many holidays in a row can I give someone a homemade gift?). As I said it's a very small shop. A couple of weeks ago I sold a necklace I had made (not the one above that's one a friend asked me to make for her mother) it was copper chain maille it probably took me 10-12 hours and I sold it for... $9! But in reality the money wasn't even part of it, sure it was nice that my hobby paid for itself that time, but the validation that it gave me was amazing! I watched it go from: wow they bought it, to wow they liked it, to wow they liked something *I* made.

All of a sudden it was as if I had been invited to the "cool" table at school. While I carefully wrapped my special necklace and blissfully brought it to the post I noticed a spring in my step. I was someone who mattered. This is silly, isn't it? I am certain that the hubster and pupster (and a few great friends) would tell you I mattered no matter if I ever sold a single thing but for me? I needed this validation to feel as though I mattered!

***when was the last time you felt validated in something, anything? Come in, give yourself a shout out here!***

What is pleasure?

Joy put the question out for bloggers to answer. What is pleasure?
See her entire question list here http://www.joytanksley.com/blog/2011/02/february-word/

And this got me thinking about what is pleasure really, is it a feeling that you have to look for? Is it something you stumble upon? Is it even something you recognize when it happens?

My guess is that pleasure can't be found if you're looking for it. In my Experience when you are looking for or expecting pleasure you don't usually get it. Isn't the planning and looking forward to a vacation almost always better than the vacation? And the lead up to a movie almost always better than the movie?

In the same way isn't a day you had no hope for often surprisingly PLEASURABLE?

Yesterday I had one of those stumble upon great days! My phone had been acting up, my car tire popped. I needed to go to the mall! Sears could replace my tire while the genius bar worked their magic on my phone.

Well my friend Louisa was free earlier in the day than normal and met me at the mall. We spent a good 3-4 hours (lugging the world's heaviest laptop) window shopping (with shockingly little actual shopping), tea drinking (still think my new favorite blueberry lemonade was amazing), and manicure (gotta love bargain wednesday manicures) getting!

It was a day set up to be boring and tedious and ended up being one of the best I have had in a while!

So what is pleasure?
-good friends
-good attitudes
-good tea
And pupster at my feet has asked that I add:
-good poodles!

So, again, what is pleasure?
-easily attainable (when you're not looking for it)

Where have you unexpectedly found pleasure recently?

Mental illness?

I remember when I started slipping this time around it wasn't just me who slipped. It was my friends and family; they slipped away one by one!

First, it was the dinner invites (thank heaven), then craft days (sad), gym dates (sadder still) and finally phone calls and emails. Until I was left, alone, with this power in me - no, scratch that - this power OVER me, that reminded me that I was worthless and deserved every evil thing I did to myself. Every meal skipped was punishment, every mile logged a reminder that I was far away from being someone who was cared for or, for that matter able to be cared about.

***I am going to stop myself here to interject that I do have a husband who stood and continues to stand by my side.

I DID and DO have a couple friends who reached out and, when I couldn't reach back, came and strode beside me.

I also still have a couple friends who, to this day call and come over and probably know of nothing being wrong because my job to them is to be their friend (a role I am okay with so don't think this is pitiful).

I do have friends I have made in ip and at resi who daily amaze me!

I want to touch on a couple of these before I get to my point here.

Hubster = great guy who REALLY doesn't see evil in this world, so to him I'm not sick and it is not something we discuss.

Friends who have reached out and supported (Laura & k) me = there was a period where I thought that they hated/were ashamed of me. That was the eating disorder talking and for a year I was convinced hook line and sinker! A single hug from k (aka the world's best hugger and the only person who has permission to hug me whenever) and a gentle invitation from l with honesty and kindness for thanksgiving broke those walls for me (okay that and they think pupster is cute!)

Friends who never know = this is a hard one for me, part of me loves it and then part of me gets to the "where is the back and forth in this relationship?"

And lastly new friends who only know "crazy joy." I often wonder if (when??) I get better, will they still love me? Or is our desire to injure our bodies, minds, and souls our bond? I believe with a couple it is but I am pretty sure at least 2 (l and n) are for keepers!

This brings me to today! Today, I sat in a church and cried silent tears while in the company of 4 others. Let me repeat that: 4 OTHER PEOPLE! as my cousin Joe was laid to rest!

Joe was wonderful, and sweet, and literal, and loved to dance (he has been taking ballroom dancing for years) He truly lived the simple life, he had childlike virtues and gentleness. You couldn't help but love him! Joe was crazy, he was, I guess you'd say, clinically insane.

As I sat there I was brought to my own funeral - would the handful come? Probably. Would those who had been my "best friends" for years? Or would the stigma of loving someone like Joe, like me, maybe even like you, keep them away? I don't know and honestly, I don't want to.

I started out being very sad with these thoughts and the turnout and then a little bit of Joe reached me and I decided that those people he has danced with for years? Well, this week they'll dance for him. And his girlfriend? Well, I am sure there's a smile or two that will leave her face and land on his. And my sisters? Well, shame on them, I hope they remember that nobody chooses insanity. But I still hope they can send a thought, a prayer, a laugh or a kiss up to an old friend with a child's light!

So I leave with this request: if you have someone in your life with a mental illness (including yourself) please remember them. Cards, phone calls, emails and visits are relatively cheap and yet priceless!

The kindness of strangers

Today I took the pupster on a decent walk (my friend from resi called it a walk sponsored by Ed) and while I was walking I walked by a gentleman snow blowing his drive. I waved and continued on my way. About 5 minutes later a huge black truck pulls up to me and asks me if I am joy --- I replied I was (with what was I'm sure a "shit do I know you?" look on my face) he reached over and handed me my target card and said "you dropped this in front of my house and when I went to do the next swipe with the blower I saw it"
What a kind man, not only did he not go shopping. He left his work, jumped in his truck, found me and returned it! What a great guy!!

I guess there really are good people left in this world!

When was the last time you got or did a random act of kindness?

missing and loving

I have been loving making videos out of photos on my phone with lifecasting lately (best .99 app) this one is special to me! The man you see in the last 2 pictures is my nephew (those little ones are his boys). My neph is in Afghanistan, he was born a hero and it makes sense he is over serving his country but man do I miss knowing he is safe! I just heard a new story about him, I'll share if you don't mind...
My boyz LOVE to eat and we just found out neph is stashing his desserts and giving them to the Afghani kids! What a love

Rewarding yourself (ED related)

Because I am facing a deadline for showing some improvement (& honestly I am not sure how much will be enough) I have decided to appease my inner 5 year old and offer prizes for successes.

So for right now they are if I go 2 weeks without purging I can buy myself the sodastream I really want.

If I make it to and work at all scheduled therapy and lab and doc appointments I can get myself 4 bottles of their diet soda mixes.

I really want to add if I can go 1 month self injury free I can get pupster his dog door - the flaw? If I fail it will be a spiral of SI because I will have let my best furry friend down!

Do you reward yourself and if so what are some examples...

Ps- the bike up above is one my mom won me right before she died - I rewarded myself with bringing it up (and getting a trainer for it) for cleaning the hobby room! Woot woot

Sleeeeeep

You know the phrase "when the going gets tough the tough get going"?
Yeah totally not relevant here my phrase would be "when the going gets tough Joy can't sleep"
Seriously whenever I struggle insomnia steps in. I know that it's common for people to not be able to sleep during difficult times but seriously I am more than a little done with this. I am averaging 45 minutes to 3 hours a night. Honestly I'd be okay with the 3 hours if they were consecutive but in the case of last night it went a little something like this
Fall asleep 11:20
Wake up with chest/back/stomach pains 12:01
(hubster goes to get pup since when I don't feel good I want my poodle)
Think and decide I want to make pupster a quilt for valentine's day (did I mention I come up with asinine ideas in the middle of the night)
Try listening to meditation music
Try counting backward (it's worked for surgeries)
6:19 fall asleep
6:48 wake up for the day - allow myself to jump online (sometimes I do in the middle of the night too but I try not to in hopes of going back to sleep)
And that is s night in my life...
I can't take sleeping pills (i have messed up my body too much for that)
Ativan doesn't really help anymore
Meditation isn't working
Nor do warm baths

Any ideas?
I'd be reallllllly grateful!

Going to the vet = treats from the mama

Pupster had to go to the vet twice in one week and so I took him out for an ice cream afterwards... He *MIGHT* be so spoiled that it wouldn't occur to him to eat it out of his bowl but only held by me and licked like a little kid! But ohhh the look on his face!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKHrQ7Fwk1g
I wish I knew how to insert the YouTube video in the post... I have a few more I want to add. Does anyone know how to do that?

On presents

Ahhhh Christmas 2010 is over! With all of it's craziness and chaos it is over.

All in all it was okay. A little extra stress added in with pupster getting bit and needing to be taken to the vet, he's totally fine and well I survived it!

But let's talk about presents. What makes a present a present? Is it a bow?
What is your favorite present?
What is the best present you gave?

For me this is actually a tough subject - presents are actually very triggering to me and I prefer not to get them (and it takes me forever to open them - I have to be in the right frame of mind) but people (myself really included here) love to give gifts. I was recently told (by my sister no less) that I am the most difficult person to buy for. She might be right since no food no clothes! But really? Anything for pup is the best gift ever... But in reality I probably am hard to BUY for. But gifts of time are always always always well received! Offer to play a game with me! Say you'll go for a walk with me. Read me a few pages of operation beautiful (operationbeautiful.com). Listen to me when I need to talk. To me, those are gifts! Very real presents...

My friend L after a particularly bad night listened to me cry and talked to me and made me feel loved. She also gave me permission to call her 24/7 when I am having a panic attack. That is a gift! With a gorgeous bow on top - just waiting to be opened when I need a gift, cool huh?

Hubster reads me poems and operation beautiful as I go to sleep at night (I am waiting on the brain cells to work again). That is a daily present, one I get to look forward to nightly.

Those were my favorite presents of 2010!

And my favorite to give was probably a megaphone to my nephew - he freaked (I knew he would - he drives a plow it will come in handy).

My biggest surprise of a gift was a telescope I gave to a niece whom (sadly) I hardly know and her sister texted me to tell me she loved it and put it together within 5 minutes of opening it!

And my happiest gift to give was probably to my friend L - I had made her slippers and she put them on right then and there at her very nice Christmas open house (even though they didn't match her gorgeous green dress)

I hope you had the happiest of holidays! I will be back soon with some jewelry I made, some ideas I have, and goals for 2011...