Monday, May 30, 2011
Gathering the tools
If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.
- Vincent van Gogh
Yesterday morning I woke up and knew that I needed to paint the railing on the porch quickly because there was an open house at my house from 12-2 and a half (craggily) painted railing doesn't exactly scream buy me! (as a side note I promise someday not so much will be about houses but that is where I'm at these days)
So I grabbed a (1) brush and the can of paint and set to work. The brush I'd grabbed was bristled and worked really well for everywhere other than the tops of the up and down parts and since there are approximately ten million of those I went and found a sponge brush to do that part and was amazed at how much the right tools for the job made it easier (though certainly not less tedious I still hate painting).
And this brought me to thinking about recovery and how I have the right tools I just need to pick them up and start using them. So in my head while I was painting I thought about what tools I needed (really anything to distract me from the tediousness at hand)
A primary care physician who knows my problems
A therapist who listens and empathizes but doesn't let me dole out crap I cants
A psychiatrist who pays attention to what I'm saying (and what I'm not) and stays on top if my meds
A husband who does his best to give me a safe place and if that means holding my head while I puke and pretending that this is normal than that's fine.
A family that loves me enough to know when I need to be alone and when I don't
And friends who keep in touch
And a close friend who keeps me accountable even when I don't want to be, and is willing (and capable) of accepting the "wrath of Joy" when I'm mad at ---.
Those really are all the tools anyone needs to get as better as they are capable of getting.
BUT similarly to yesterday while I was painting I need to gather my tools and use the right tool for the job. I haven't yet, and they're all there waiting - being used here and there but really waiting to come out of the toolbox for the big job... And that's up to me, and that might be the hardest decision I make and will certainly be the hardest fixer up i have in me!
+++do you ever have epiphanies while sound miserable chores (have I mentioned I HATE to paint?)+++
PS - do you like to paint? If you do, when I buy the new house (wherever that might be) would you like to come paint???