Favorite things

I read blogs for many reasons

To learn
To escape
To think
And some I read because the writer feels like a friend you're sitting in Starbucks with
Thenheathersaid is a combo of all of them!
And this week she has a give away, go check out the giveaway but better check out her whole blog

http://www.thenheathersaid.com/2011/11/11/balance-and-peace/

50 questions # 20

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

No and no! And further more I'm annoyed when other people do! It doesn't help and really if you're in that big of a hurry use your god-given feet and take the stairs...
I'm that way about a lot though -I am more of a go with the flow person than a hurry up person

+++are you a button pusher?+++

Friday fill in fun

Another Friday fill in courtesy of fridayfillins.blogspot.com


Questions courtesy of my cousin, dackelprincess.com, this week. And...here we go!

1. Turkey is DEFINITELY NOT VEGAN
But I do have a fun turkey story. When I was a kid I was in 4-h in the horse program and there was another girl in another club I was friends with. And when I'd go over her house we'd ride (duh) but more importantly we'd play with her (sadly nameless) turkey. HE WAS HUGE! And he'd pull us around on skateboards! It was seriously better than any amusement park ride!


2. I AM TOLD I MAKE LOUSY pie.
Hubster and I have competed in the town's apple pie contest the last few years, once hubster won!!! I came in last... I should probably stop trying to healthify pie...

3. On and on and on we go WHERE WE STOP NOBODY KNOWS. I'm going with this one eludes to you control your destiny

4. The last time I saw MY COUSIN GARY WAS PROBABLY AT MY MOM'S FUNERAL - I'm looking forward to seeing his band play this weekend

5. Can you believe HOW FAST THIS YEAR WENT? I don't know if it was the move or what but it's mid-November here people

6. I need a MASSAGE. I tweeted this fact the other day

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to GETTING READY FOR HUBSTER'S PARTY tomorrow my plans include PERHAPS GOING TO SEE MY NEICE COMPETE IN GYMNASTICS AND THEN THE PARTY!!! and Sunday, I want to REST BUT ALAS I HAVE TO DECORATE AND DELIVER A TREE I DONATED TO CHARITY...

+++what about you? Any questions you want to answer?++

50 questions, question # 19

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

Costa rica! I was an exchange student there and man! Life was GOOD! I was happy, walking was normal, people were kind!

And the flowers! The rain forests! The sunrises and sunsets - ALL BLISS

+++were you an exchange student? Or did you want to be?+++

Why I make gifts

This morning I woke up bright and early to do some more on a Christmas present I'm making for my sister. It's a neck warmer and it's made on my trusty knifty knitter. My sister is a proficient knitter, crotcheter, sewer, and scrapbooker so she could easily make one as beautiful as this in probably half the time.

So why am I making it? Easy, because as I sat here counting stitches I *almost* sat here having a conversation with her. As I make gifts I tend to reflect on good times I've had with the person and wishes I have for them. I think (and hope) that my loving thoughts pull through on their presents.

And really, a morning with my sister was a great way to wake up!

+++do you make any presents? If so, why? And do you like getting home made gifts?+++

Heroes revisited...

So on Saturday at around 9pm we lost electricity which also means heat. Seeing as I am the coldest person on the planet this sucks! But, today at 11:30 as we were driving the 3/4 mile (what you would have too just to enjoy the warm car?) to get hubster a cuppa joe we saw a light man getting his work on. And again I wondered if this man knew he was my hero... But this time I didn't want to question it so I rolled down my window and shouted out "you're my hero, thank you!"

+++when was the last time you told someone they were your hero? And when was the last time someone told you that you were their hero?"

Friday fill ins

Courtesy of fridayfillins.blogspot.com


1. Beware of GHOSTS GOBLIMS AND VAMPIRES (THEY GOT ME THIS MORNING I HAD TO HAVE LABS DONE)

2. I CANT BELIEVE IT'S snowED.

3. And since we ARE TALKING ABOUT SNOW HUBSTER MENTIONED THAT HE DOESN'T REMEMBER SNOW THIS EARLY BEFORE NEITHER DO I

4. DO YOU BELIEVE IN spirits? I DO!!

5. Where IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO GO FOR HALLOWEEN - FOR ME I LIKE TO BE AT HOME AND GIVE OUT TOYS

6. SOUP is one of my favorite meals when it's cold out.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to SLEEP (I'm sick), tomorrow my plans include WATCHING MY NIECE AT THE STATE CHEER FINALS (? I think its state) and Sunday, I want to GO FOR A HIKE WITH THE PUPSTER!

This one time...

Yeah so the other night hubster and I were watching tv and pupster kept looking at me. And then looking to his right and then staring me down. I was laughing at him asking if Timmy had fallen into the well... Finally I decided to wrestle with him thinking that's what he wanted and as I pushed him playfully I felt it a peanut sized lump at the base of his jaw... To say I freaked isn't quite descriptive enough.

But, ironically as soon as I knew what was going on and in charge (as much in charge as you can be when you call the emergency vet and they say wait until morning because they won't be able do anything at midnight - and call his breeder who tells me to relax get some rest and deal with it in the morning) pupster relaxed he put his head on my lap and fell asleep.

I called his vet at 7:31 the next morning (they open at 7:30) and had a 10:00 appointment (with his favorite vet at the practice) after a biopsy to rule out cancer and rule in what it was (a highly swollen lymph node) pupster was diagnosed with his second major battle with Lyme disease... He has a lowered immune system because of having gotten it so young the first time (4 months) and so is more susceptible... I left the vet with a new round of meds and positively jovial... Perspective huh? Anyone else finding out their dog has Lyme would probably be sad but me? I heard its not cancer!

+++do you have a pet? Do you have it insured?+++

(ps pupster is insured but not against Lyme)

50 questions 1 at a time question 18

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

OMG - eff yes! I hold onto EVERYTHING - if you've ever insulted me/hurt my feelings I am able to transport myself back to that in a flash... And worse is I'll agree with you!

+++are you holding onto things that need to be let go of?+++

Do you ever forget?

I do!
The beauty around me, that is!
I go to Harold Parker state forest all! The! Time! And for me it's my home base walk and I forget to pay attention to it (as a matter of fact I am blogging this while walking one of pupsters favorite trails). When I want a "nice walk" I'll drive somewhere else - often a half hour or more away. Well today I didn't have time for that and I figured we'd settle for "our home base" and on the drive it occurred to me how lucky I am to have these trails and these changing leaves to ignore!

And wouldn't you know it as I got here a bus load of cross country runners were getting ready for a "pretty" run and 3 or 4 minutes in I came across leaf peepers (complete with binoculars) to enjoy the foliage and it really hit home... I am so lucky to have this!

+++what are you blessed by that forget to notice?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 17

(photo from the "occupy Boston" demonstration - I drove a friend to work right past them)

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

Gotten a college degree - I have a # of certificates but no degree... What's holding me back? Ummm fear of failure, fear of hating it, fear fear fear!

+++so what's holding you back?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 16

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

Because not everyone can see the amazing ness that is pupster! His love and kindness makes me smile daily, but some people either don't like dogs (silly silly people) or can't see how amazing my dog in particular is (and he is pretty amazing)

+++are you a dog person?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 15

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

I see the world differently than most people. things other people see as ugly i find gorgeous (graffiti) things people see as bothersome I see as friends (most homeless people)

Things that drive other people up a wall I find sweet or charming. Things that other people are chill about are often enough to send me over the edge...

Little differences like - many people are annoyed by kids running around stores, I think it's cute when they're playing hide and seek! Or when we have no hot water for (now a month) I think most people would be driven off the deep end I'm like ehh it's fine.

But not being able to find the card I'm looking for most people probably would sit think and figure it out - I on the other hand have a breakdown and wonder why life is worth living... OCD much?

It's been a rough week, here's to hoping it gets better!

+++what do you do differently?+++

Everyday hero

Yesterday I went into Starbucks (aka my Mecca) and orders my usual - chai tea tall with 2 pumps sugar free hazelnut and a splash of soy (seriously try it - you'll thank me) and was happily given my drink by the barrista

I realized that she truly is a hero to me... Just doing her job, but doing it well and cheerfully

What constitutes a hero? Is it only someone who saves lives? Or can it be someone who makes life shiny-ER and brighter for those who pass by?

50 questions 1 at a time question 15

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Well in the case of the photo up above I originally saw creativity but as everyone laughed at poor pupster I saw insanity...

Umm to answer the question... Probably not! I find very little insane (or at least insane with a bad connotation) I mostly see things and think "that's awesomely cool" when OTHER people think it's insane...

One of the coolest and most creative things I'd seen was a group of college people playing quidditch (carrying brooms and all - one girl acting as the snitch flickering around here there and every where) I stopped to watch and was quite impressed by the whole thing. But as I sat and watched the imaginary quidditch world cup I heard people walking by mocking this group of young adults. And all I could think was "wow they are exercising their brains and bodies all at once this is awesome how are you not seeing this?"

+++would you have thought the game was as inspired as I did?+++

The house that craigslist built

I used to tease my mom mercilessly about buying only items with red tags on them (aka clearance) I'd tell her that as a child I didn't know that stuff was sold before it had a red tag on it... That I thought it was just for display (true story).

I wonder what she'd say to her cheap ass daughter who has:
Bought either scratch and dent OR used appliances

Gone without hot water for 3 weeks (I shower at the gym) when the furnace broke because she refused to pay 2 plumber fees when he was going to have to come out to install the dryer and stove anyway!

Bought a bigger better tv than she wanted (way bigger - like 15" bigger) because it was on clearance to make way for a new model so it was $700 cheaper than the one she went for

Slept on the floor because the mattress we wanted was going on sale in 2 weeks so why pay full price when we could pay half...

Bought used couches, tv stands etc because they were as good as new and WAY cheaper.

And the new things I did buy... Well yeah they had red tags on them

Apple, tree... Nope not a far fall at all!

+++are you like your parents? And do you pay full price?+++

Arrr I missed talk like a pirate day!

So I missed the actual day but I had to find my name out - ummm no thanks I'll keep joy thanks!

So tomorrow we are going to pick up the new washer dryer and I am literally pulling out the broken foot card... We don't have to mention that I took the pupster to new England pet expo and walked around for five hours straight! But whatever!

So, I also stopped at the zero waste day (where tons of charities were to get all your leftover junk) and I have to say the freedom of getting rid of so much stuff is rather intoxicating I literally filled an entire car with crap (okay clothes shoes electronics etc)

+++ is clearing out clutter addictive to you?+++

Friday fill ins

Okay 1st of all pupster and I are in a fight BUT really how cute is my dog

1. When I walk around my neighborhood I see THE LAKE, RAILROAD TRACKS, WOODS, PEOPLE AND DOGS

2. APPLESAUCE is my favorite thing to cook.

3. Life is CRAZY

4. My PUPSTER (when he's not an ass who steals my side of the bed aka last night) makes me feel all warm and fuzzy

5. WHO KNOWS? is my favorite Autumn vegetable.

6. SLEEP is better when it is UNINTERRUPTED

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to BILL BURR (please don't ask me who that is I have no idea)
tomorrow my plans include GIVING BRASS MONKEY BACK AND THE PET EXPO and Sunday, I want to SLEEP!!!!

50 questions 1 at a time question 13

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

This is a silly question - of course I would! And if you mean to literally save someone's life I'd break the law (assuming it isn't like murder or something) to save a stranger.

Laws are only as good as the people they are protecting so if they're not then (in my rather twisted opinion) they're invalid...

+++what about you? Would you break the law to save someone?
And do you think all laws are created equal?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 12

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Be true to yourself and love yourself - the rest will fall into place.

I think if you do those 2 things pretty much everything will workout okay

+++do you agree!+++

Broken

So I recently replied to my therapist when he was suggesting some things we can work on --- let's just give up and admit I'm broken. (this was a pity party day)

Well fast forward a week and I spent some time with an older gentleman with ms... And it occurred to me how dare I call myself broken and quit when this poor guy has debilitating pain for anywhere from 5 to 20 seconds out of every 2 to 3 minutes, he hasn't called it yet how could I?

Shortly after this I managed to fall/slip/stub my toe (let's blame it on my clumsiness and the fact that I was trying to be helpful and pay attention to a dude with ms while walking down stairs #fail :-) well my foot started swelling right away. The long and the short of it... It's broken!

I'm thinking someone/something out there has a sense of humor... Now let's see if I can not break my neck on crutches!

+++totally not a related question - do you see the dear in the wall up above?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 11

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

Ahhh finally an easy one (should have read ahead and then I wouldn't have taken so long a break). I've been in this exact situation many times! I'd point out some of her finer points. I wouldn't correct them or defend her (I find people don't listen when you are basically telling them they're wrong) but say she was so sweet to me during xyz period of ny life she helped me with abc - I couldn't have made it through without her...

+++what would you do? Pupster really wants to know+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 10

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

I'd like to say that I feel like this question is about the same as question 2...

This sort of paralyzes me... I really want to do the right things (hello recovery I'm looking at you) but I think that maybe if I did things right the right things would happen. Does that even make sense? (btw I feel like I say that phrase more than anyone I know)

+++ so what about you? Which would you rather do the right things or do things right?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 9

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

Well I am currently sitting here at the laundromat texting hubster letting him know that this is my first and last time doing laundry here!

To what degree have I controlled my own life? Hmmm hard one! I partially believe that everyone controls their lives but at the same time circumstance really determines a lot. I can't control what happens to me - but I can control how I react to it, right?

That's the part I need to work on - reactions...

+++what about you, have you determined your own life?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 8

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

This is another thinking one... I assume that MY lifespan is about 40 years. So what would I do differently? Well I'd like to change what I'm doing currently... But I can't quite figure out how. And for pupster and hubster I wanna live a long time, they're lots of fun

I plan on talking to my treatment team next week to figure out what I need to do. If I only have a few years left I'd be okay with that IF I were living it rather than just surviving it... However if changes can make it a longer happier life I'm all in for that too!

+++what changes can you make to improve your life?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 7

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

Um I'm assuming they mean working here...

I don't work, I want to I just can't right now. So I would guess that that means I am settling.

BUT I am working towards getting my act together enough so that I can work. And that is such a hard thing because I have no clue what I want to and am able to do. I know that it's important to me to feel like I am bettering the world with my work.

I am a trained florist and have taken event planning courses I love dogs. I would like to work with the elderly or sick... So how do I use those skills towards that goal?

+++what about you? Are you doing what you love? And if not how can you get there??+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 6

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Well since I am blogging from my phone as I walk pupster down the trail near our house and my heart is light and airy I am going to say dog walking.

I love sharing my happy place with him and his friends. He loves the woods as much as I do. I'm sure a part of that is because I am happy but I am also certain that a huge part if it is I am happy because he introduced me to the woods. Before pupster I never went in the woods!

If walking pups in the woods would pay the bills... I'd be rich

+++what would make you rich?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 4

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

Well I can tell you I would NOT change raindrops on roses! (or whiskers on kittens for that matter)

But in reality I'd change judgements. I really think that if people didn't judge one another we'd all be happier and healthier!

Everyone is guilty of it - in good ways and bad... You see a sweet looking old lady and you smile and get warm inside - you don't know that she just bonked someone off the head with her cane. You see a cray cray on the street - and you never know they gave their last cigarette to a friend having a bad day.

People are so much more than a cover

+++are you what you appear to be?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 4

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

Well I can tell you I would NOT change raindrops on roses! (or whiskers on kittens for that matter)

But in reality I'd change judgements. I really think that if people didn't judge one another we'd all be happier and healthier!

Everyone is guilty of it - in good ways and bad... You see a sweet looking old lady and you smile and get warm inside - you don't know that she just bonked someone off the head with her cane. You see a cray cray on the street - and you never know they gave their last cigarette to a friend having a bad day.

People are so much more than a cover

+++are you what you appear to be?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 4

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

I would hope that I have dome more than I've said. There are little things I do that I hope help people and at the same time makes my day! The flower above is a daily "gift" if you will to my friend, it is my way of giving her a hug...

However ED wise I talk harder than I do... Which is probably a bad thing!

+++what about you? Will you have said or done more?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 3

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

This is such a tough question! Because why do we? I guess we do it because in order to live/be a member of society there are certain things you must do!

In recovery there are certain things you must do... Weigh ins - hate them, labs - hate them and stress for days, dig deep in therapy - it's painful but has to be done! But theoretically they are for the greater good. I think in all things IF the things you are doing is for a greater gooder purpose than it makes sense but if it's not than maybe we should follow the lead of the pups above and find a good lake to jump in (even if mom screams no)

+++what's something you like to do and you're not doing it often enough? How can you find time to??+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 2

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
(the photo is my pondering brain)

This one is SO hard for me! I am so afraid of failing but I regret all the things im too scared to try, so isn't that failing by default? But I've written about this before but something about failing defines me and paralyzes me continually... So I think I'm going with failing...

+++what about you? Which is your fear??+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 1

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Above is my little niece B she's 9. We are pretty much on the same wavelength so I'm gonna guess I'd be 9!

Take the craft that she's doing up above... It was at an ac Moore craft day. I borrowed her because I really wanted to go and make the tie dyed shirts and cards for soldiers (ooh and the duct tape bracelets too).

I also "stole" her when I wanted to see Hannah Montana the movie (on opening day no less) she hated it - I was hooked from opening scene.

As she gets older I worry who is going to be my go to for rides at fairs and goody movies and craft days... Fortunately nephew T is still only 5... And he and I are going to home depot this weekend to make a lunch box! Living the good life here I tell you!

+++so how old are you?+++

50 questions

I've seen this on a few blogs and well at the moment I am taking a break before I destroy the bathroom (I can't seem to put up the mirror)
It originated at
http://www.marcandangel.com/2009/07/13/50-questions-that-will-free-your-mind/

I'm thinking I'll do one a day just to remember to blog and start doing something other than house fixing

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

22. Why are you, you?

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

25. What are you most grateful for?
Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

26. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

27. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

28. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

32. If not now, then when?

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for

Last looks

Leaving home in a sense involves a kind of second birth in which we give birth to ourselves.
Robert Neelly Bellah

A week ago I took this picture - a last look back through the doorway that had always been my home. The day was so hectic and crazy but I managed to remember the few "goodbye" rituals I really wanted to do.

I took this picture as I left

I took a picture of the tree in the front yard that my mom planted the day they moved in there.

I "made" real vanilla from a kit (you simply poor good vodka over these vanilla beans and write the date in the space provided - it's ready in 4-6 months and can continue being refilled for an entire 7 years)

And I sat on the kitchen floor and cried with hubster and pupster while listening to bill harley's moving day http://www.billharley.com/lyrics.asp?SongID=517 (got it on iTunes - you should too)


Car’s full,
Trunks packed -
Stuff on the roof rack.
Mom says
We leave soon.
Last time
In my room.
One last look out my window -
The yard,
the street,
the place I know.
I go, they stay -
It’s moving day.

Here’s where
My bed stood.
Floors made
Of old wood.
Mom left
The light on
Walls marked
With crayon.
The door I slammed when I was mad.
The place I cried when I was sad.
I go, they stay
It’s moving day.

When I grow up, I might come back
To this place again.
If I find some kids live here
I’ll tell them who I am.

“Let’s go,” Dad calls
I guess that’s all
Goodbye house,
Goodbye room
I won’t be back soon
Down the steps,
Out the front door
Now I don’t live here
Anymore.
Part of my heart stays
On moving day

And it's true a big part of me stayed on "we street" on moving day and forever...

I'll be back soon with the updates of the new house - btw he has a name! Gregory, he's Gregory house. And hopefully I'll get more regular and if we are lucky interesting with my posting!

+++are you a ritual person?+++

Beautiful blemish

If your heart acquires strength, you will be able to remove blemishes from others without thinking evil of them.
Author: Mohandas Gandhi

As I prepare to move from the only place I've ever called home I've gotten pretty sentimental.

Not for the square footage I'm giving up.
Not for the gorgeous floors.
Not even for THE TREE


But for the blemishes -

The stain on the ceiling from when baby A was startled walking into our hobby room and dropped her oj and it hit the ceiling. (she waited for me to yell - I never did, I laughed until there was nothing left in me)

The corner of my wood stairs where a young dog (my nephews) chewed his fears. (my mom taught me 2 things this day 1. Be smarter than the dog you are dealing with 2. Never tell someone what to be afraid of)

The wall where when the undertaker took my mom her knocked a corner. (this was the moment I ceased to exist in my own eyes)

The hidden paint behind the upstairs sink because a young nephew wanted to help me...

Mid breakdown I called my 8.5 month pregnant niece and asked her to come take pics so I could remember (as if I would ever forget) and she did! And she treated it ad solemnly as I needed her to. And then we went out and laughed about galaxies...

This got me thinking, what is it people love about you. Is it the perfection or the stain on the ceilings? And how can we embrace our own nicks?

Last weekend

‘A child building a sandcastle is not "working hard". It doesn’t seem to him to be a task. It simply fills his imagination at the time ti’st going on, and anything else is an irritant.’
— Jonathan Miller

Was the sand castle competition at revere beach.

Hubster LOVES sand castles (actually I think he should compete in an amateur contest someday) so I surprised him and took him. Hello 90*, 80,000 people, and the loudest music I've ever heard! Basically a Joy recipe for disaster. But it wasn't, because I took myself out if the equation and made it all about hub and you know what?

I actually had a good time! It was great to watch hubster play in the water (yup he still PLAYS in the water) and watch him smile and laugh... It made me realize that that's what I'm missing, the living part of life. That's what I need to find! Ohhh but first I need to pack! I move in 5 days....

+++side note I saw what the interior designer (gift from the realtor) is planning on doing with the inside of the new house and holy sick is it gorgeous - its a magazine that I'll get to live in... (I'm still trying to convince myself that I did the right thing here)

+++do you love sand castles?+++

Blogging on purpose

Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.

- Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama


(catch the double meaning of my subject?)

Anyway, I have another post ready about politeness but this word PURPOSE keeps jumping in my head! So I'm gonna try and work it out here

I firmly believe that everyone/everything/every event we come across has a purpose for us. It may make us stronger, happier, more resilient or somehow better...

This week I've been on vacation in Lincoln new Hampshire (1 of my 3 favorite places on earth) the first day a friend had come up with me and about 18 hours in to a week long vacation she missed her boyfriend and left (not very pleasantly but alas her choice and loss). At the same time a stupid money decision on my behalf was crashing down on poor hubster. I was able to fix it from up here but not without inconveniencing a lot of people.

What was the purpose of these events?

Well I think the friend wad to teach me to remember my audience...
And the $ was to assure me that moving to the cardboard box (which I have renamed the wee house because I've sort of fallen in love with it and want to show it the respect it deserved - SIDE NOTE why do people name their cars but not their houses? I mean our cars are misty and buzz...) was the right move for us!

So 2 days later I am in a bit of a financial quandary and call my friend Laura for advice (can't ask hubster because it's about his birthday). I felt like I needed advice because earlier in the week I'd made such a big oops (which she knows all the deets of) so I give her my options
-spend the (lesser) $ now and pray I am okay until closing
- wait until closing and pray it hasn't tripled in cost (a very real possibility)

She replied with an option I hadn't come up with - she'd loan me the $ and I'd pay her after closing.
Now I had JUST finished telling her how I'd screwed up earlier and she said she knew but she also knows that I'll pay her back so let's do it and stop worrying.

After we took care of everything my thoughts again jumped to purpose... What purpose does Laura have in my life?
Was it to loan me money? No, the money was the catalyst (is this the right word) but for that night laura's purpose to me was to remind me that I am a worthy investment. At other points her purpose has been to call me out on stupidity, reign me in, make me feel loved, make me laugh, and peel me off of sidewalks...

So again I thought what is my purpose to Laura?
You might say it's she needs to be needed (perhaps true but I think it's more than that)
I think I offer to Laura (and correct me if I'm wrong) friendship that is true, an ear, a heart that would stop beating for her if need be, a cute poodle to walk (whenever you want he's yours), and probably most important to her is complete honesty...
I hope to someday have more/better purpose to her but for now it's enough...

This comes off as an ode to a friend and it is and it isn't... It is a reminder to look for the purpose around you! It might not be what you think!

+++what's your greatest purpose?+++
****what should I name my house??****

Don't worry I will save you

"the strong must protect the sweet" - Dan castellanetta

ahhh pupster my constant companion. I could not ask for a better friend.

The other day I was mowing the lawn (a chore I go into each time with annoyance - why why why does the darn grass grow back?) and pupster was of course outside with me.

I started the mower and pupster sensing my unhappiness started attacking a running lawn mower. his every motion "I will protect you mommy I will". I took this crazy picture as I shooed him away (to keep him from getting hurt).
It occurred to me though this isn't the first time he has "risked it all" for me.

If we are outside after dark (something I'm afraid of) he has growled at men approaching when I stiffen

If I am particular ly sick in the night he will howl scream or whatever else to get hubster up.

And probably most impressively he simply doesn't allow for purging. If I try he sits at the bathroom door and gives the most pathetic whine/howl... And well it's working. I can proudly say I've gone from 5 to 6 times a day to ONCE IN THE LAST MONTH!!! He is pretty amazing this poodle of mine!

+++so tell me who protects you?+++

Possibilities

"stop thinking in terms of limitations and start thinking in terms of possibility"

Lately I haven't been blogging because I was bit by the good enough bug... There are a number of reasons or excuses why I wasn't good enough to blog. At the end of the day they're irrelevant I blog because it is my out. I blog so that someday I can write "I'm recovered" and someone else can see all the shitty times were worth it (this will happen, right?)

So pretty much what's been up in my life:
House crap 24/7 and although I say it isn't bothering me my body's all over pain probably proves that theory wrong.

I got a droid to replace my dying iPhone and hate it (sorry droid lovers)

My feelings have been hurt from pretty much every angle (probably means it's me)

When I've felt well enough I've taken pupster on some amazing walks!

Hubster made me laugh so hard it hurt when he told pupster "it's a good thing you're a poodle, we need a smart dog since we treat you like you're human" I replied for pupster "what do you mean treat me like I AM HUMAN"

And the MOST EXCITING news is my nephew is home from his deployment in Afghanistan (yesterday)

+++how do you talk yourself out of the doldrums?+++

Thick skin and gorgeous nails

"You can't let other people tell you who you are. You have to decide that for yourself."

Today I got a manicure/pedicure combo (the gift certificate was a b'day gift from a friend) and while the lady was giving me a pedicure she commented that I had thick skin. I giggled (I'm assuming she meant the calluses) and said it's because I'm a runner.

The lady in the chair next to mine decided that a comment was okay and made a "twig" comment (there are seriously not enough words in the English language to explain how much I hate ANY body comments) but today I let it go and texted a friend about something totally separate

Then the manicurist commented on my "odd color combo choice" btw I love teal and red together and the names fit in my life right now "suzi says feng shui" and pinpricks (I'm going to acupuncture tonight) but I laughed and was like whatever

recently I have gotten a couple other comments that I thought wow I am doing so well!

"you look better" (okay still heard fat but I didn't cry then - I waited)

"you know that's the family home you're selling how can you do this?"

"your new house is too small, with no land and an ugly color what were you thinking?"

And I talked about these in therapy and was all like aren't I awesome they don't bother me... My therapist pointed out if they aren't bothering you why are you still talking about them? And you know therapist was right! I am hurt and sad and maybe my skin isn't as thick as I'm portraying... I'm not sure how I'll get there but I will! And I will have FABULOUS nails to boot!

+++is there really anybody who doesn't care what other people think? Who aren't stung by comments?+++

Really I wanna know! And then I want them to tell me how to get there!!

My day in numbers (no triggers)

If equations are trains threading the landscape of numbers, then no train stops at pi. ~Richard Preston

So I have to start this off with I am so mathematically stupid that I don't even know what that quote means but (as you'll see below) I took the train!

On Tuesday I was harried and so I just started breaking things down to the minutiae so I would survive it! Here's that day in #s (and times)

24 - hours in the day
9:00 - time we agreed we would accept offers on our house
9:15 - time I looked at email and found an offer
0 - amount below asking the offer was
45 - the number of days before they want to close
1 - the amount of psychiatry appointments I had already made for that day
2 - the number of psychiatrist appointments I ended up going to
0 - the amount of cars I had available to me (see brake fail of last week)
1 - # of husbands who drove me to the train
About 50 - # of phone calls made!
1 - # of realtors who picked me up at the hospital
1 - # of same realtors who drove me back to the train
3 - vials of blood taken
2 - times I talked to myself OUT LOUD while walking down the street
1 - # of houses I put an offer in on.
1638373 - number of times I jumped up and down when it was accepted!
2 - # of times I went into Boston to the hospital for stuff I deemed could wait and Drs deemed could not!
More than 1,000,000 - poodle kisses I got
1 - sisters who left work to do one more check with me!
A billion - times I lost my mind
0 - times I found it
3 or 4 - times I used behaviors
13 - amount of games I had going on words with friends
15 - # of times I had to sign my name/initial here
1 - # of iPhone batteries that conked out so I couldn't call for a ride home
9 - miles walked to and from the train station!
10.50 - dollars spent on trains
7.40 - dollars spent on the T
1 - friends who helped me decide what to offer
1 - husbands who were at work and couldn't answer
Unmeasurable - amount of frustration at said husband's work!
Also unmeasurable? The excitement of starting a home with pupster and hubster in our LITTLE paradise!

+++have you ever bought or sold a house?+++

Gathering the tools

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.
- Vincent van Gogh

Yesterday morning I woke up and knew that I needed to paint the railing on the porch quickly because there was an open house at my house from 12-2 and a half (craggily) painted railing doesn't exactly scream buy me! (as a side note I promise someday not so much will be about houses but that is where I'm at these days)

So I grabbed a (1) brush and the can of paint and set to work. The brush I'd grabbed was bristled and worked really well for everywhere other than the tops of the up and down parts and since there are approximately ten million of those I went and found a sponge brush to do that part and was amazed at how much the right tools for the job made it easier (though certainly not less tedious I still hate painting).

And this brought me to thinking about recovery and how I have the right tools I just need to pick them up and start using them. So in my head while I was painting I thought about what tools I needed (really anything to distract me from the tediousness at hand)

A primary care physician who knows my problems

A therapist who listens and empathizes but doesn't let me dole out crap I cants

A psychiatrist who pays attention to what I'm saying (and what I'm not) and stays on top if my meds

A husband who does his best to give me a safe place and if that means holding my head while I puke and pretending that this is normal than that's fine.

A family that loves me enough to know when I need to be alone and when I don't

And friends who keep in touch

And a close friend who keeps me accountable even when I don't want to be, and is willing (and capable) of accepting the "wrath of Joy" when I'm mad at ---.

Those really are all the tools anyone needs to get as better as they are capable of getting.

BUT similarly to yesterday while I was painting I need to gather my tools and use the right tool for the job. I haven't yet, and they're all there waiting - being used here and there but really waiting to come out of the toolbox for the big job... And that's up to me, and that might be the hardest decision I make and will certainly be the hardest fixer up i have in me!

+++do you ever have epiphanies while sound miserable chores (have I mentioned I HATE to paint?)+++

PS - do you like to paint? If you do, when I buy the new house (wherever that might be) would you like to come paint???

Exuberance

Character is the ability to carry out a good resolution long after the excitement of the moment has passed.-author unknown


This is a reoccurring theme in my life I think... I start something REALLY excited and gung ho and then the reality of it sets in and I lose interest and well it all sort of peters out...

Recovery keeps being one of those... "I will follow meal plans" "I will not over exercise" "I will go to all my appointments" and when I am telling you these (ultimately lies) I truly believe them to be true. Then reality sets in and well I'm no longer following plans, making appointments or working out in a reasonable manner.

Recently my psych has suggested that I email her when I am wanting to use ed behaviors or si and while I originally (as in Tuesday) thought this was a great idea - I'd purge with words rather than my mouth - when yesterday came and it was time to write the email I instead found myself in a bathroom.

I wondered why... And unfortunately I know why, I'm ashamed of admitting I'm GOING TO do it (whichever it that I might be doing at the time) I am often not sorry for having done it...

Even my shame looses steam quickly! Not exactly sure where I'm going with this or how to change it but it is clearly something I need to work on .... If only I didn't lack the follow through, huh?

+++are you good at follow through? +++

Find it in the woods

A vigorous five-mile walk will do more good for an unhappy but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world. ~Paul Dudley White

I took yesterday off from blogging and from most house related stuff (other than 1 trip to the storage unit and a walmart stop to buy an air mattress for staging a room) because it was pupsters birthday!

I spent the morning walking in the woods with him. That's where he found this itty bitty little turtle! This thing was seriously the size of a quarter - I must admit I kind of wanted to take it home with me...

Then we dropped daddy off at work and I bought him a birthday cake ice cream! And then a little later I bought him a burger from mcdonald's. A little cuddling (ohhh and finding the title 5 - I guess I did do some house stuff) and off we went to get his two year old pictures taken (OMG cute - Delia at picture people in Burlington is amazing) where he had a cupcake for one of the pictures!

Then we had to go pick up daddy at work and we were 1/2 an hour early so we went on another woods walk and THAT is where the post's title comes from...

How is it that I can use food as a way to show love to pupster whom I literally love more than life when if any of the things I bought him were handed to me I would look at them with loathing and all but run away? Where does my double standard come from?

I guess it's something to ponder on my next walk in the woods

+++where do you do your best thinking?+++

Sleep well my friend

Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit. ~ Napoleon Hill

Yesterday my ole lady dog finished her journey. She got her reward.

She was a lesson in not quitting! She was a rescue at age 2 with a prolapsed esophagus (which made her breathe funny but didn't hurt her) she was sure to win our hearts so that her fate was sealed for a long life :-) not the "other alternative" for a non-puppy with "special needs"

She spent 17 years as my little friend (and more importantly as my mother's most trusted companion) I slept in my house for the first time without her last night. I'll miss her - but not her lessons, those are staying right here with me.

Good night Chin-E (the non Natasha, right?) God keep you to morning!

Happy birthday to ME!

"Pleas'd to look forward, pleas'd to look behind, And count each birthday with a grateful mind."
-Alexander Pope

Every year on my birthday I like to look at the gifts I have been given over the course of the year and what I want for the next year (my wish)

This past year I was graced with:

Long walks in the woods with the greatest pupster a mom could ask for!

Friends who love me as I am yet won't settle for "good enough" when it comes to my health

A husband who supports me unequivocally

The clarity to agree that I need a psychiatrist as well as a therapist and the ability to find one that my insurance would pay for.

Agreeing to take the meds she prescribed

Twitter and twitter friends who without knowing have gotten me through rocky days!

A vet who loves my clumsy pup almost as much as I do and is careful to take great care of him!

The decision to find my place in this world (ps we looked at a ginormous townhouse (as in 150 sf more than our house) yesterday and liked it a lot and loved the neighbors/hood - it's just overpriced by about $30,000... But it's been empty six months so we will see where that goes)

and some much needed family healing (baby steps there's a long way to go)

FOR THE COMING YEAR I AM WISHING FOR:

Only 1 thing (I want God/karma/the universe to understand how important this is)

My nephew to SAFELY return home from Afghanistan - that is really all I need :-)

+++how do you like to celebrate birthdays?+++

Lazy day quiz

I saw this over on Aeverie's blog (loveveggiesandyoga.com) and decided it was perfect for today!



1. What is your mom’s best friend’s name? She had two best friends, 1 named Marie and the other Jean

2. Where is the weirdest place you have a mole? I have a funny one near my elbow

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had? My 1st grade music teacher - mr prada I loved him

4. Have you ever made out in a movie theater? No, and I'm feeling kinda lame about this

5. What body part do you wash first? Face

6. Do you hover over the toilet in public bathrooms? No, I used to but now I just don't

7. What is the strangest talent you have? I am not that talented I have no idea!

8. Do you have an innie or outie? Innie.

9. Do you parallel park or drive around the block? I can!!! I learned a couple years ago (though I will walk 1/2 a mile to avoid it if possible)

10. What shoe do you put on first? Whichever I grab first

11. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting? No.

12. If you had to choose to never wash your bed sheets again or never wash your towel again, which would you rather not wash? Towel. You just washed yourself so at least you're clean

13. What was your childhood nickname? Joy joy the boy toy - I hated it!!!

14. When was the last time you played air guitar? My sister's wedding 11 years ago

15. Have you ever bitten your toenails? Gross, no! And how does one do that?

16. How do you eat your cookie? I bite into it - but I'm not a cookie person

17. When working out at the gym, do you wear a belt? No, I'm not that hardcore.

18. Name something you do when you’re alone that you wouldn’t do in front of others. I prefer to not eat in front of others!

19. How often do you clean your ears? Multiple times a day!

20. Do you scrunch or fold your toilet paper? Fold

21. Do you have any strange phobias? Birds!

Apparently there’s no #22.

23. Do you freak out when you feel a sneeze coming on when you’re driving? No.

Painting AGAIN

"do unto others as you'd have done to you"
(pretty sure it's the bible)

Today is a clear and beautiful day if you can believe it! And I am painting the porch. The realtor told me it wasn't necessary

On maps and such

If you don't know where you are going any road will get you there - Lewis Carroll

Last night the hubs had a performance about 2 hours from home, pupster and I decided to join him :-) I stayed and listened through the first 3/4 of his show but then decided the field across the street was calling my name and I NEEDED a walk. Pups and I walked and jogged around the field until it got dark.

It was great! I got tons of thinking done and the conclusion that I came to was a little bit like this - I don't think I'm as upset about leaving this house as I thought I was I think I'm more upset about not knowing where I'm going... You know?

But the quote above is true whatever road I take will lead me to where I need to be. I don't need a gps for this journey!

A fun story - I have a (soon to be 18 year old) niece and when she was three she drew me this picture on a piece of cardboard and the center was a house and after that was tons of what I assumed were scribbles... Turns out they were roads and this was her map and when she gave it to me I asked her where the map was going to take me. Her 3 year old reply? "if you follow it long enough it will take you anywhere you want to go" she's right so I'm gonna follow my map and see where we stop -- and come to think of it, I think when we do stop I'll frame and hang that map!

+++are you happy where you physically are? If not have you considered moving?+++

Zzzzzzzz

"To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep."

It's funny when you think about it... When you are most excited or closest to achieving your dream, you can't give your body the rest it needs to accomplish it. We have been working so hard at getting ready for the house to go on the market we literally work every spare moment and fall dead into our bed (or couches) at the end if the night.

And that's when I can't sleep! Sometimes because I'm thinking about our next place "where will it be" "is it a townhouse or a single family?" and sometimes it's "what if I miss my home?" and then I spend the night tossing and turning only to "wake up" exhausted and less able to work.

I feel like it's the same with recovery - when you REALLY want it and you can't achieve it that day the next is a little harder... How do you "force it"?

+++what's your dream and what steps are you taking to make it happen?+++