30 day challenge question 29

"goals for the next 30 days"

**sorry that blogger was down yesterday and my post wouldn't go through until today

I have lots of 30 day goals...
Mainly due to the house going on the market next week and my birthday the week after!

My main goal is to stay sane! I can't really pick now as a go loopy time I need my whits about me as I deal with selling and buying a house!

Another is to continue reconnecting with family members so that when I do move it won't break the shaky foundation we are creating!

Add more healthy ways to care for myself into my life - my hair above is a perfect example... I spent a little extra and got all natural hair color from whole foods. It took longer to do but I feel good knowing I was being good to me.

Work on a very stalled recovery and reach out as I need it! People aren't mind readers and shouldn't have to be! I have a voice :-)

Support my friends - this is self explanatory

Rid my life of things and people which aren't right for me!

Take time every single day to walk the pupster rather than relying on the dog pen.

Wake up every morning and thank hubster and pupster for sharing 1 more day with me.

+++what is a goal you have for the next month?+++

30 day challenge question 28

"something you miss"

I am going with someone I miss... My mom! I miss her everyday... In a "mom oughta see this" sort of way!

I think she would have loved operation beautiful! Operationbeautiful.com

The premise is pretty much everything she believed in...

I woke up this morning and it occurred to me that when we sell this house and move for the FIRST time in my life I will live in a house I didn't share with my mom! And all of a sudden I'm not quite as interested in moving... I know that it's silly and it's life but I'm gonna pout about it!

Meanwhile though I am looking forward to finding a place that pupster and I can make all our own!

+++so what's something/someone you miss?+++

30 day challenge question 27

"a problem you have had"

I'm thinking that by the end of this they had run out of SENSIBLE topics...

Anyone who has lived past the age of 5 has had a buzillion problems...

Anyways (said in the voice of Ellen) I'm going to go with body image since that is one I am really struggling with these days. It seems I wake up every morning and before I even open my eyes the negative talk starts... And it can be triggered by anything - the position I am sleeping in or (heaven forbid) if I'm not cold...

I actually was planning on blogging about this later today anyway but since it ties in here I'll ask now... Has anyone ever intentionally taken a step back in recovery? I am considering it because I am wondering if going back will actually let me step forward more strongly... I feel like I am "fake getting better" here and it's not a feel I relish so I am considering stepping back to better step forward... I know this is rather vague but it's intentional so I don't trigger any of my recovery friends...

+++what's your take on my solution to my current "problem"?+++

30 day challenge question 26

"what kind of person attracts you"

Well since we've already been over physical attributes I am going to assume they mean characteristics...

For me a person is gently honest. Kindly accepting. Fiercely loyal. Unendingly patient. Quietly strong. Proudly quirky. And maybe just maybe (okay definitely) a animal lover!

Those are qualities I admire! And I am so blessed to have many of those people in my life...

And actually yesterday I heard about one of the people I admire... She is currently succeeding in drug/alcohol recovery! To me... That is better than the "piece of paper" I talked about a few posts back! She is making a life for herself and I hope at some point she can let me into it!!

+++so tell which of these qualities do you own?+++

30 day challenge question 25

"somebody you admire and why"

First of all - how cool is it to have somebody look up to you like that baby looks up to that momma?

I admire so many people! Rather than name a person (cop out alert) I'm going to name a quality...

(or two)

I 100% admire people who have confidence in their bodies/minds/beliefs! ESP when they aren't perfect! However, there is a HUGE difference between being confident and cocky... I like quiet confidence - not someone who has to say "look at me I'm awesome"

I also admire people who fight for what they believe in... Advocates for a cause. Whether a celebrity or a soldier or a civilian putting your "money (life, reputation, whatever) where your mouth is" is an astonishing trait - one I can get behind!

Today, I am painting AKA my least favorite task on the face of this earth! Ohhh yeah and we still have 3 1/2 more rooms to go before next Sunday (not to mention the porches)

+++so what is a quality you admire in someone AND what's a quality you admire in YOURSELF?+++

30 day challenge question 24

"favorite movie and why"

Is this a real question?
Who has a single favorite movie...

I recently saw (and loved) water for elephants... I've literally been telling everybody I know to go see that movie! It is one of the few movies that's almost as good as the book!

Eat pray love was another really good book to movie adaptation (and it totally doesn't hurt that my girl crush Julia Roberts was in it)

This is it is another I can watch over and over - I love listening to all the dancers be so excited! People having their dreams come true makes me happy!

I really loved burlesque too and can't wait for it to come out so I can buy it on iTunes

And my childhood favorite was all ET all the time (I saw it 12 times in the theater)

+++what's a movie you've watched recently and liked??+++

30 day challenge question 23

"5 famous male guys I find attractive"

Okay before I even start can we just all agree I have odd taste in men? Ie they are all very different! If you're wondering what my "it" thing is - it's eyes and all of them have awesome ones!

Michael Anderson (a Boston storyteller)
+his eyes tell even more stories than he does. And he's so smart and you can read that in there too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMijTX60r5w&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Josh freaking Beckett
(hello hottie pitcher)
+he had the most intense eyes on a man and I swoon each time I see him get ready to pitch

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9do3AZlnlw&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Teddy bruschi
Best! Ever! New England patriot! (my blog do NOT disagree with me)
+his eyes are just pure love! I want to snuggle him!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgmGca0Gkh4&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Will Smith
Omg he is literally one of the founding members of my 5 list! Everybody knows him, everybody loves him!
+his eyes are kind and funny and sweet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTpnqZXW5bE&feature=youtube_gdata_player

And lastly...

Chris medina!
American idols loss and america's sweetheart!
+his eyes, his pores, his everything shoots out the compassion in him!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQIR2VeobGE&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I KNOW this is a lot if minutes of links but really they're all worth it!

+++so what's your "it" thing in a SO+++

30 day challenge question 22

"how have you changed in the last 2 years"

The last few years have been my hardest but I would say that in the last maybe 6 months I have changed a lot.

I have gone from making recovery a goal to a destination... What's the difference there you ask? Well I feel like goals can easily be changed whereas my destination can't! It's not a matter of if I'll recover but WHEN! and that's a pretty big change :-)
Next is that I have really started to fully trust hubster (a man who holds your hair while your sick to your stomach and tells you you're beautiful at the same time is pretty amazing) and well there's pupster who brings out the child in me and helps me find reasons to live daily!!! And he brought me to the woods where I've found my piece of sanity!

+++what's been a recent change you're proud of+++

30 day challenge question 21

"one of your favorite shows"

Oooh this is easy since I don't watch much tv and I love this show!

House!

I am in love with house the show, House the character, and Hugh Laurie

The reason I love the show is it's never the surface reason that is the problem and I feel like that is so real... How many times in your life have you been like "I'm depressed" and had the ONLY problem be the depression? It never is you always have to dig deeper - get to the uncomfortable stuff to find out what's really going on (wow totally written like someone who has been in therapy for ummm ever). And I like that house has to dig through it all to get to the answer too! I also have to admit that Hugh Laurie is definitely on my 5 list sooooo the eye candy doesn't hurt. IN. THE. LEAST.

+++So what is your favorite show? And why???+++

30 day challenge question 20

"how important is education"

Honestly I am rather obsessed with education - that "piece of paper" is the most important thing to me. A friend of mine and I a while ago had a conversation that was about what's important an I was ALL about the education (she has her masters in nursing and the most I have is a certificate in floristry) and she was all about family (I'm married she's not) and we are each slightly jealous of one another!

I have other friends (I talk about degrees a lot) who tell me my life experience is invaluable - I want the paper!

And lastly my nieces... I tell each and every one of them to go to college get a degree "you don't want to end up like me" and HA one of them agreed but only in fear of being... Vegan!

+++so tell me (let me live vicariously through you) about your degree+++

30 day challenge question 19

"disrespecting your parents"

Hmmm this ones hard! I don't think you should disrespect your parents of course! But that said they shouldn't disrespect you either. Technically my bio father isn't dead but when people ask me about my parents I reply that they're gone. And will elaborate about my mother if need be. The difference is... My mother was a living warm respectful human. Bio father an ass... She deserves my respect and gets it. He does not and will not! being a sperm donor and a thorn in my side does not get you my respect!

+++do you respect your parents?+++

30 day challenge question 18

I need to take a moment before anything else to ask you to send a prayer, wish, good thought, or whatever it is you do. Yesterday Osama bin laden was killed (yay) HOWEVER my nephew is over in Afghanistan and they are predicting some groups over there will be angry (no doubt) and there will be a lot of unrest! Can you please send out into the universe that no more blood be shed but specially my nephew make it home safe and sound, his tour is almost over (July 4th) and he has 2 young boys waiting for their daddy to come home!

"your beliefs"

I believe what you put into this world you get out! If you put your best self out into the universe you will get other people's best selves back. If you are cruel and uncaring that too will come back to you!!

+++give me an example of a time you extended your best self+++

30 day challenge question 17

"your highs and lows of the past year"

Hmmph I just got a low as I went to type this but who knows maybe it'll end up being the highest high!

The house hubster and I had our heart set on sold yesterday :-(

So let's start with the lows and that way we can end on a good note, shall we?

My health hasn't been great
My recovery slipped big time (I am still refusing to call this a relapse!)
Money has all but killed us
We got SLAMMED with taxes
Hubs job cut his hours and pay
We've had more stress than we can handle!

The good!!!!!!!!
We are closer as a team than we have ever been!
Pupster continues to make our days happy and our family complete
I have (in limited fashion) reconnected with my sisters
We have decided to sell our house and buy ourselves something more affordable
And really at the end of the day we are surrounded by live and what more could we want!

Can you all cross your fingers that our current home sells and we find something perfect fast? I'm ready to move on!

+++what have you had that started as a low and ended as a high?+++

30 day challenge question 16 and some ramblings

"your views on main stream music"

Ha! Hubs and I were JUST talking about this! When we got married (8 years ago) I listened to Garth Brooks (and that's about it).

Now
My favorites are:
Lady gaga
Black eyed peas
Bruno mars
Danny gokey
Michael Jackson
Celtic woman
And so many more

They're all pretty main stream but they all have a good beat and make me smile - I really don't and won't listen to music that makes me angry... I don't get it! So I guess I like main stream music...

So in other places (aka my life) I kind of feel like I'm in this really odd space. I'm sort of numb but at the same time hyper sensitive. Like I can't think about my body (but anyone with ed or body image issues knows I also can't get it off my mind) because I hate it so much. And I want to fix my thinking but I'm not really DOING anything to make that happen...

I'm again really afraid of people and am re going back to the woods for my daily walks. I skipped therapy last week and tried this week and got a big old no get in here... And what's weird is my therapist mentioned he thought I was doing poorly and then the next day my psychiatrist says she thinks I'm doing so much better and I'm like...

And today I am supposed to be going to see my niece compete and it's already starting (the panic) so I'm like well if you go you can use behaviors... Are you kidding me? When does this stop?

Speaking of stopping I'd better before I scare away the two readers I have :-)

+++who do you listen to? And who makes you change the radio station?+++

30 day challenge question 15

"your favorite tumblrs"

I am pretty sure they mean tumblr the blogging website but seeing as I've never been there I am showing you my niece a gymnast who is very muchly my favorite tumbler!!!

She is really good, and tomorrow I am going to watch her in another competition :-) she has been doing very well... Often landing on top of the podium!

+++so tell me, do you have a favorite tumbler or tumblr??? And should I be checking out tumblr?+++

30 day challenge question 14

"your earliest memory"

I have to admit I was really excited for this one! Not because my memory is all that exciting or even that early but simply because it is a testament to a life long friend.

As a child I had seizures as a result I have very few memories of my childhood (often when people friend me on facebook I ask my friend Kerri how I know them) so I thought back to my childhood and I came up with two memories. I sent them to her with the request of how old was I when xxx and she replied... This amazed me! No "why?" no commentary at all just the answer! A great part of old friends they know the the stories will be theirs in the long run anyway!

So we decided that my oldest memory is a fight Kerri and I got in (well not the fight the making up) and that I was sick of being mad at each other so when the ice cream truck came I said "I'll buy you an ice cream if you'll be my best friend"

Must've worked she's still my dear friend all these years later!!!

+++did you have a "get out of jail" card with friends?+++

30 day challenge question 13

"somewhere you'd like to move or visit"
(okay I know the photo isn't the 30 day challenge poster but you can look down one post for that if you'd like to see it AGAIN!)

I feel like this is 2 different questions!

I would like and will happily move anywhere that these two guys go! They say home is where your heart is and mine lies with my boys!!!

As for where I want to visit I have a list (who doesn't?)
Tuscany! This is my dream - always has been always will be
Disney (again) it's my happy place
The redwoods (I love to hike imagine how cool it'd be amongst those trees)
Prince Edward island (it's where my nana was born)
Iceland (my parents lived there)
grand canyon
Austria (for my favorite breed of horse)
And
A private island for just the three of us to explore and enjoy!

+++what about you? Where do you want to go+++

30 day challenge question 12

"bullet your day"

I'm bulleting yesterday because how will I post this if I'm doing it?

-up at 4:00 sick to my stomach
-up again at 7:15 for the day
-moisturize and brush teeth
-get out the door to the dentist
-arrive at dentist, sit in waiting room playing words with friends
-get 19 X-rays
-meet with dentist (who I think is planning her next vacation with my mouth)
-meet financial lady who tells me I need $5500 worth of work... (thank you years of purging)
-laugh and make an appointment for a cleaning ($130)
-drive home wondering how I'll look toothless
-meet the stager for the house (yup decided to put the house on the market)
-find out we have to paint every room (throw up in my mouth a little for the second time)
-start cleaning out stuff that we won't be keeping
-get the worst headache
-take a bath
-take a nap
-get up, stress purge (sorry tmi but being honest)
-take pupster out for a walk (with the damn headache)
-get gas (omg)
-drive for some stress relief and then realize we can't afford that with gas $4 a gallon
-go home say hey to hubs and fall asleep ~8:00 (thinking the move might stress me to actual death)
-wake up take meds go back to bed

+++what was the best part of your day?+++

30 day challenge question 11

"put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up"

This one was hard! I never use my ipod anymore (thank you pandora) so i had to find it and charge it! But here you go (as a side note I often listen to the mj station on pandora)

Explain it to my heart
Remember the time (Michael Jackson)
I'm already there (lonestar) (this particular version is the soldier version where family members of deployed soldiers send them wishes - I cry like a baby every time)
From the bottom of my heart (wall flowers)
The girl is mine (Michael Jackson)
Where in the world (rockapella) (I love this and when I'm running this pushes me faster)
Mr right (Garth Brooks)
Hero (Paris Bennett)
Land of confusion (genesis) (blame Jim)
Save the last dance for me (Michael buble')

30 day challenge question 11

"put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up"

This one was hard! I never use my ipod anymore (thank you pandora) so i had to find it and charge it! But here you go (as a side note I often listen to the mj station on pandora)

Explain it to my heart
Remember the time (Michael Jackson)
I'm already there (lonestar) (this particular version is the soldier version where family members of deployed soldiers send them wishes - I cry like a baby every time)
From the bottom of my heart (wall flowers)
The girl is mine (Michael Jackson)
Where in the world (rockapella) (I love this and when I'm running this pushes me faster)
Mr right (Garth Brooks)
Hero (Paris Bennett)
Land of confusion (genesis) (blame Jim)
Save the last dance for me (Michael buble')