Mental illness?

I remember when I started slipping this time around it wasn't just me who slipped. It was my friends and family; they slipped away one by one!

First, it was the dinner invites (thank heaven), then craft days (sad), gym dates (sadder still) and finally phone calls and emails. Until I was left, alone, with this power in me - no, scratch that - this power OVER me, that reminded me that I was worthless and deserved every evil thing I did to myself. Every meal skipped was punishment, every mile logged a reminder that I was far away from being someone who was cared for or, for that matter able to be cared about.

***I am going to stop myself here to interject that I do have a husband who stood and continues to stand by my side.

I DID and DO have a couple friends who reached out and, when I couldn't reach back, came and strode beside me.

I also still have a couple friends who, to this day call and come over and probably know of nothing being wrong because my job to them is to be their friend (a role I am okay with so don't think this is pitiful).

I do have friends I have made in ip and at resi who daily amaze me!

I want to touch on a couple of these before I get to my point here.

Hubster = great guy who REALLY doesn't see evil in this world, so to him I'm not sick and it is not something we discuss.

Friends who have reached out and supported (Laura & k) me = there was a period where I thought that they hated/were ashamed of me. That was the eating disorder talking and for a year I was convinced hook line and sinker! A single hug from k (aka the world's best hugger and the only person who has permission to hug me whenever) and a gentle invitation from l with honesty and kindness for thanksgiving broke those walls for me (okay that and they think pupster is cute!)

Friends who never know = this is a hard one for me, part of me loves it and then part of me gets to the "where is the back and forth in this relationship?"

And lastly new friends who only know "crazy joy." I often wonder if (when??) I get better, will they still love me? Or is our desire to injure our bodies, minds, and souls our bond? I believe with a couple it is but I am pretty sure at least 2 (l and n) are for keepers!

This brings me to today! Today, I sat in a church and cried silent tears while in the company of 4 others. Let me repeat that: 4 OTHER PEOPLE! as my cousin Joe was laid to rest!

Joe was wonderful, and sweet, and literal, and loved to dance (he has been taking ballroom dancing for years) He truly lived the simple life, he had childlike virtues and gentleness. You couldn't help but love him! Joe was crazy, he was, I guess you'd say, clinically insane.

As I sat there I was brought to my own funeral - would the handful come? Probably. Would those who had been my "best friends" for years? Or would the stigma of loving someone like Joe, like me, maybe even like you, keep them away? I don't know and honestly, I don't want to.

I started out being very sad with these thoughts and the turnout and then a little bit of Joe reached me and I decided that those people he has danced with for years? Well, this week they'll dance for him. And his girlfriend? Well, I am sure there's a smile or two that will leave her face and land on his. And my sisters? Well, shame on them, I hope they remember that nobody chooses insanity. But I still hope they can send a thought, a prayer, a laugh or a kiss up to an old friend with a child's light!

So I leave with this request: if you have someone in your life with a mental illness (including yourself) please remember them. Cards, phone calls, emails and visits are relatively cheap and yet priceless!

The kindness of strangers

Today I took the pupster on a decent walk (my friend from resi called it a walk sponsored by Ed) and while I was walking I walked by a gentleman snow blowing his drive. I waved and continued on my way. About 5 minutes later a huge black truck pulls up to me and asks me if I am joy --- I replied I was (with what was I'm sure a "shit do I know you?" look on my face) he reached over and handed me my target card and said "you dropped this in front of my house and when I went to do the next swipe with the blower I saw it"
What a kind man, not only did he not go shopping. He left his work, jumped in his truck, found me and returned it! What a great guy!!

I guess there really are good people left in this world!

When was the last time you got or did a random act of kindness?

missing and loving

I have been loving making videos out of photos on my phone with lifecasting lately (best .99 app) this one is special to me! The man you see in the last 2 pictures is my nephew (those little ones are his boys). My neph is in Afghanistan, he was born a hero and it makes sense he is over serving his country but man do I miss knowing he is safe! I just heard a new story about him, I'll share if you don't mind...
My boyz LOVE to eat and we just found out neph is stashing his desserts and giving them to the Afghani kids! What a love

Rewarding yourself (ED related)

Because I am facing a deadline for showing some improvement (& honestly I am not sure how much will be enough) I have decided to appease my inner 5 year old and offer prizes for successes.

So for right now they are if I go 2 weeks without purging I can buy myself the sodastream I really want.

If I make it to and work at all scheduled therapy and lab and doc appointments I can get myself 4 bottles of their diet soda mixes.

I really want to add if I can go 1 month self injury free I can get pupster his dog door - the flaw? If I fail it will be a spiral of SI because I will have let my best furry friend down!

Do you reward yourself and if so what are some examples...

Ps- the bike up above is one my mom won me right before she died - I rewarded myself with bringing it up (and getting a trainer for it) for cleaning the hobby room! Woot woot

Sleeeeeep

You know the phrase "when the going gets tough the tough get going"?
Yeah totally not relevant here my phrase would be "when the going gets tough Joy can't sleep"
Seriously whenever I struggle insomnia steps in. I know that it's common for people to not be able to sleep during difficult times but seriously I am more than a little done with this. I am averaging 45 minutes to 3 hours a night. Honestly I'd be okay with the 3 hours if they were consecutive but in the case of last night it went a little something like this
Fall asleep 11:20
Wake up with chest/back/stomach pains 12:01
(hubster goes to get pup since when I don't feel good I want my poodle)
Think and decide I want to make pupster a quilt for valentine's day (did I mention I come up with asinine ideas in the middle of the night)
Try listening to meditation music
Try counting backward (it's worked for surgeries)
6:19 fall asleep
6:48 wake up for the day - allow myself to jump online (sometimes I do in the middle of the night too but I try not to in hopes of going back to sleep)
And that is s night in my life...
I can't take sleeping pills (i have messed up my body too much for that)
Ativan doesn't really help anymore
Meditation isn't working
Nor do warm baths

Any ideas?
I'd be reallllllly grateful!

Going to the vet = treats from the mama

Pupster had to go to the vet twice in one week and so I took him out for an ice cream afterwards... He *MIGHT* be so spoiled that it wouldn't occur to him to eat it out of his bowl but only held by me and licked like a little kid! But ohhh the look on his face!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKHrQ7Fwk1g
I wish I knew how to insert the YouTube video in the post... I have a few more I want to add. Does anyone know how to do that?

On presents

Ahhhh Christmas 2010 is over! With all of it's craziness and chaos it is over.

All in all it was okay. A little extra stress added in with pupster getting bit and needing to be taken to the vet, he's totally fine and well I survived it!

But let's talk about presents. What makes a present a present? Is it a bow?
What is your favorite present?
What is the best present you gave?

For me this is actually a tough subject - presents are actually very triggering to me and I prefer not to get them (and it takes me forever to open them - I have to be in the right frame of mind) but people (myself really included here) love to give gifts. I was recently told (by my sister no less) that I am the most difficult person to buy for. She might be right since no food no clothes! But really? Anything for pup is the best gift ever... But in reality I probably am hard to BUY for. But gifts of time are always always always well received! Offer to play a game with me! Say you'll go for a walk with me. Read me a few pages of operation beautiful (operationbeautiful.com). Listen to me when I need to talk. To me, those are gifts! Very real presents...

My friend L after a particularly bad night listened to me cry and talked to me and made me feel loved. She also gave me permission to call her 24/7 when I am having a panic attack. That is a gift! With a gorgeous bow on top - just waiting to be opened when I need a gift, cool huh?

Hubster reads me poems and operation beautiful as I go to sleep at night (I am waiting on the brain cells to work again). That is a daily present, one I get to look forward to nightly.

Those were my favorite presents of 2010!

And my favorite to give was probably a megaphone to my nephew - he freaked (I knew he would - he drives a plow it will come in handy).

My biggest surprise of a gift was a telescope I gave to a niece whom (sadly) I hardly know and her sister texted me to tell me she loved it and put it together within 5 minutes of opening it!

And my happiest gift to give was probably to my friend L - I had made her slippers and she put them on right then and there at her very nice Christmas open house (even though they didn't match her gorgeous green dress)

I hope you had the happiest of holidays! I will be back soon with some jewelry I made, some ideas I have, and goals for 2011...

A pretty interesting post

Averie always has great posts but I really thought this one was a great read, what so you think?

http://www.loveveggiesandyoga.com/2010/12/natures-pharmacy-fun-food-facts-diet.html

Folding friendships

Today I was blessed! I was able to play driedle with a friend (she taught me - I'd never played before) and then she was kind enough to uncondisendingly show me how to make origami cranes.

The reason this was so impressive is that a few years ago I folded well over 1,000 cranes for my mom as a mothers day gift - 3 months later she was diagnosed with her evil cancer. As she succumbed to her illness I did to mine too. After mom's passing I slipped into some deep depression and ED and apparently that stole the ability to fold cranes from me. I relearned and took step by step photos... And she coached and cheered, just what I needed today! A day I knew I had a rough therapy session ahead of me and a no doubt stressful doc appointment tomorrow.
For a couple (of all too quick hours) I headed out a lot happier than I have been in a bit!
And while I am singing her kudos (not saying her name in case she prefers I not) this is my same friend who gave me 24/7 access to call her when I was in a bad place!

This is what Martha would call a good thing!

A week...

How are you?
This week has been a rollercoaster for me. Pupster and I are currently cuddling in bed but I spent most of yesterday and the day before thinking I didn't want a dog anymore. So let's get on with some of the highs and lows of this week. I made homemade (bread machine) bread for a bake swap - I hope oprahby2011.com liked it! And then I made melissa's whipper snappers (for the recipe go here). http://rainforestgurl.blogspot.com/2010/12/blogger-cookie-exchange.html
First I made red velvet and sister, hubster, and friends could not eat them fast enough - side note what is red velvet?

Then I made strawberry. The only difference I do is I don't roll them in powdered sugar I plop them on the parchment and sprinkle it over because I hate touching food. And again they were loved - definitely a new go to recipe! I also sent some (with the oatmeal cookies) to the winner of tina's (carrotsncake.com) auction - hope they are well received!

So that is all the good stuff the bad is that I *think* my therapist has discharged me (he wants to see me Monday but that is the distinct feeling I get) so I am going to have to figure that one out... And to boot this week's labs came back bad so I am fearing that there is a hospital visit in my near future (I am quite hoping it will be after Christmas) ugh it always happens all at once doesn't it?

But the good news is that the house is decorated and the caroles are playing and honestly life is good!

So tell me about your week?
And I can't wait to tell you about Sturbridge

Created a keeper + a recipe

Pupster is my sidekick, my constant companion and so the other day when his breeder sent me pictures of a new litter my heart melted. I want one was my first thought! Followed closely by poor pupster would have to share my love and attention (hubster notwithstanding of course) I could never do that to him! I am still debating, our old dog is fading quickly and I doubt she will make the winter (fear not she's not in pain) and I worry if he would be miserable alone. I debate if he needs a puppy of his own or if I could adopt an older dog for him (he is only 1 1/2) these were the thoughts that ran through my head as we walked yesterday (old lady says no thanks to the walks and uses the dog door and the fenced in run). All in all the only thing I could come up with was that pupster is a keeper!

Speaking of keepers

Brown sugar oatmeal cookies with red hots are keepers too (5 stars from the hubster)

1 bar earth balance butter flavor
1 egg
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 generous cup organic quick cooking oats (whole foods bulk bin)
6 tablespoons flour (I used half white all purpose half while wheat)
3/4 teaspoon cinnamon
3 tablespoons red hots candy

Combine until "fluffy" earth balance, egg, brown sugar and vanilla.
In a separate mixing bowl combine oats, flour, and cinnamon.
Mix the dry into the wet - just mix until combined, do not over mix.
Add in red hots (and chocolate chips if desired) scoop teaspoons full onto a parchment lined sheet and bake at 325* for 11-13 minutes until just browning.
I recommend cooking on the parchment (the red hits melt) and keeping an eye in them. They go from not done to burned very quickly

Just random

I have so many thoughts running through my head lately. Partly about this blog, I really don't know where I want it to go... I am honestly struggling in my recovery and think that this blog is something I need as a part of it. But what kind of blog is it?
A healthy living blog? No, not now but hopefully someday!
A craft blog? Again no, crafting is a part if me but I will occasionally go easily a month without doing a single one
A pet blog? Doubt it, I do love pupster and the horse but I'm not sure that that's what I need...
I think it's going to be a joy blog a little of me on the web.
I asked for a writing class for Christmas I would like to write well make sense and have opinions and stories and yes giveaways!

For today;
I am thankful for the ability to keep fighting

And as for the cake above? Hubster's birthday is thanksgiving but I had a party for him on Saturday - I made a cake (I was so proud of me) the theme was star wars - so yoda it was... My 4 year old nephew stopped by and informed me "that's not yoda! It's shrek silly aunty"

Photo for etsy

I am excited to be getting a profile of my friends dig for her and this is the picture I have for the artist (if it isn't good enough let me know and I will take another)

Missing the point?

I am a true believer in alternative medicines. Today I woke up physically mentally and spiritually just off. When 1:00 hit and other than a run on the treadmill I had done nothing I knew I needed to do something (ha! That sentence makes mo sense yet says it all) so I called to see if acupuncture clinic could fit me in - and they could! And so here I lay not being restful but instead reading my google reader and blogging...
Do you think I am missing the point here?

What about you? What R some things you could do to better help yourself?

Well I am off to relax

Day 11

Today was all about smiles - see it is a picture frame quilt so it says "smiles are
Perfect"

Day 10

I left this one at the bank. Banking stresses me so I wanted to give someone a highlight while they are there. And leaving it certainly lifted my day

Day 9

I figure that everyone needs to remember they are great!

Day 8

I am loving the operation beautiful note a day project - though a couple days I have missed and had to do two the next day! Today I put it on every bloggers love:
Pumpkin by Libby

Day 7

Believe in yourself! At the grocery store

Day 6

Today's amuses me :-) get it - the tag says you rock and it is a rock water fountain!