Finding inner peace (I need to)

Today I have to go to my old doctor's office... She sent me a letter a while ago saying she wouldn't see me anymore because she found me noncompliant. Although I disagree and did then too and had (have?) issue with a doctor saying you're too sick for me and then not suggesting any other alternatives it is what it is... But anyway, I have stalled as long as I could in finding a new doctor as the therapist has said there wasn't a choice anymore and I have an appointment two weeks from today. So today I am going to the old docs to fill out the paperwork to get copies of my medical records - ummmm hello awkward!

Going into that office I used to go into 1 to 2 times weekly weighing a bit more than I did last time I was there has caused some behaviors I am not proud of...

Add to that a weekend horse show where I was judging and I am not in a great place... So where does that leave my inner peace? Well I don't know, so I am searching...

At this weekend's horse show there was a henna artist and I love me some henna... So I got two tattoos the first is a large floral vine that travels from the tip of my left pinky up past my wrist, it's very pretty and very traditional. The other (the photo above) is the ohm symbol in my right palm. I am hoping that it will remind me to take a step back and breathe over the next two weeks. I hope it works... I am also adding in a second "mandatory" daily yoga/meditation session of 10 minutes or more...

Question:
Do you yoga? Does it help?
Do you fear docs?

"be careful what you ask for"

My mother used to have phrases for me

"joy don't cut off your nose to spite your face"

"you made your bed now lay in it"

And the list could go on forever....

But a common one was becareful what you ask for - you just might get it...
Well she is gone but tonight (yup tonight) I get it! I got what I asked for (and not in a good way)

Hubster got out of work early and I was looking forward to the night together (we are emerging from a rough patch a little beaten but stronger) but he got a phone call from a friend if ours who invited HIM out for a fun evening. It stung, this is someone I adore.

The thing is... Would I have gone? Idk probably not. I still am not comfortable being seen, I prefer to be alone or in crowded places where I am an unknown face. Where I am invisible.

I would have liked to have been asked though. You know what? How many times are people going to allow themselves to be turned down? "you get what you give" (another favorite of my mom's)

So I guess I am going to have to start pushing myself out of my comfort zone and inviting people in if I expect them to do the same...

So:
What are some of your favorite phrases?

A couple more of my mom's are
If the student hasn't learned then the teacher hasn't taught

God keep you to morning

Sweet dreams or none at all

Sweet dreams sweet repose and god bless

Brady you throw like a lady

And a zillion more

Most of my favorites make no sense out of context
ie- they let me drive da big twuck
Whose a p***y now, b***h?
I like the way you say that

Another poem

It has recently been pointed out to me how much I expect of hubster and pupster - I consider them extensions of me and really do want a lot from them... My friend called me on it when I was sad and spiraling because pupster did something dog-like. The problem is that he is so often perfect that when he is not idk what to do!

This was my haiku on it!

I baked!!!

I often tell people I don't cook.
Which isn't entirely true nor is it entirely a lie.

I cook in the crockpot fairly frequently...Even if the hubster hates having crockpot amounts of food just for him.

I bake when the feeling hits.
The thing is I do NOT cook on demand not ever!

But a friend was having a week where he was tired and working a lot of hours so I htought it would be nice to make him some beer cookies and after a quick google search I came up with these
http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,1710,153185-227200,00.html

So I followed the directions and ended up with something resembling pancake batter.
There was no way that they were going to be able to be shaped and fried (or baked in my case) so I decided to tweek the recipe
I used
3 cups AP flour
2 tablespoons of wheat germ
2 tablespoons of canola oil
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon of salt
1 can coors light
1 teaspoon baking powder
(just seeing now they were supposed to have eggs ooopsy)
2 tablespoons cocoa powder

combine all ingredients except for the cocoa, pour half of mixture into a greased 9x13 pan (I use mazola cooking spray. into other half of mixture add cocoa and stir. then drop the cocoa batter in drops on the plain batter and swirl to make a marble loaf. bake at 350 for 20-30 minutes (when it springs back to touch)
cut into small squares and dust with powdered sugar. They are sort of similar to a scone in texture

I am told these are the best thing i have ever made...

I actually have been doing a bit of baking lately so I will have a couple more recipes coming up for you

Question:
Do you bake? If yes do you bake more in the fall or summer?

Running for sanity?

Lately I have been running every day - I have been averaging 7 - 10 miles a day. I wasn't worried about this until the other day when I took the pupster ( and really isn't he just handsome?) for a walk with a friend, we covered about 3 miles chatting all the while. I decided that harvard square is nowhere near as pet friendly as Coolidge corner - people were borderline rude! And then we went home. Sounds innocent enough, right? Well I got home and did some yoga and a quick abs workout and was waiting on the hubster to get home from work. Within half an hour of sitting there I started to panic that I wasn't running that day. I seriously thought about trying to control my thoughts but gave up on it when I remembered we were going to see a movie that night (a local mall is setting up a family drive in each Saturday night for the month of august - free of charge and with a concert and games for the kids beforehand) and I didn't want to be stressed all night and take it out on the hub so I threw on a pair of shoes and put in 3.5 miles. I was glad I did but at the same time a little disappointed that I can't just allow myself a rest day...

I really am confused as to whether I am getting better (which I am in the fact that I am eating some solid foods) or worse because I have an actual tracker on my phone to be sure I get in enough exercise...

Also randomly last week my therapist questioned if I wanted to get better. I do! But I am wondering what it is about me that makes those I work with question this. As it is my doctor discontinued seeing me because she says I am non-compliant (am seeing a new doc next month) and my nutritionist has given up too - I am thinking of how I want to handle that one, I am thinking of one or two of the health bloggers I admire (for their comfort with food) who do online nutrition coaching since it is really hard for me to get out (body image issues make me hate being seen)

So if you survived that what do you think of my nutrition online coach idea?

Are you beautiful?

YES!

This week Caitlin of healthytippingpoint.com and operationbeautiful.com (sorry don't know how to add links from the iPhone) was on good morning America! I am so excited for her! She is AMAZING

I dvr'd the show and showed it to the hubster and he was as moved as I was! So for friday night date night we brought a pad of post it's and put up notes everywhere. A few of my favorites were:
The mall had a huge ad for gift cards as gifts, we put YOU ARE A GIFT!
another was
A price fixe menu board we wrote YOU NEED NO FIXING
another
On a price scanner YOU ARE PRICELESS!
and lastly on a scale THIS IS A # YOU ARE A MIRACLE

Overall this made hubster and I feel so good and made for a great date night (minus my newly broken tooth)

What are your weekend plans?

Not sure what to do

The hubster's car is dying -- the mechanic has said he won't repair it anymore... Well he will repair it but says it needs enough work that it will be $1000 now and he sees more and more of these coming down the road in the very near future it will need a $400 repair and a couple $300 repairs... It is 12 years old and has 240,000 miles on it... It has done it's job. The problem is that with me not working we have no extra money for a car. The hubster wants a new(ish) car with the car payments that go with, I want an old POS that will last us a year or two and only cost $1000 or less. In 2 years my car will be paid off and I will be working and making $ and we will be in a better place to spend money. But this leaves us at an impasse - what do we do from here... Well this 1996 Lincoln mark 8 might be the answer it is cheap ($800) and it was the hubster's dream car when he was a kid... We are going to look on it tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me...

But in case it doesn't work out - do you have or know of a cheap reliable car for sale?

The little success

Saturday was one of my favorite times of year - it was Halloween! Well at least it was at my niece's campground. And as I have mentioned I just haven't been in the best place lately and wasn't sure ED would let me go (for those who think that's a cop-out I say live it!) but I got up and "allowed" myself a hard workout and then some yoga. And then I forced myself not to get on the scale - I knew if I did that would be it and I wouldn't be able to go. I really wanted to see the kids and I am happy to say I didn't jump on the scale and I did go to camp - I would love to say it was easy but it wasn't not only was my body image shit but my niece's kids hug A LOT and ED does not like to be touched. But I pushed through and was so happy I got to see the headless horseman (above) the pirate and first mate and the football ballerina. Score one for the good!

How was your weekend?
When was the last time you beat a demon?