Today I have therapy and I am always so much better after but still a disaster before. The know ing I have to be seen and that knowing I am being "judged" (I know W isn't really judging me or maybe he is - isn't that what therapy is all about?) just sets me off. It makes me a person I don't want to be... There is so much of me that wants to heal and so much of me that is afraid to. I don't even know why I am afraid...
I guess a part of it is that right now in ED I am not afraid - I do things that would scare me and I do not worry - what is the worst that could happen? I am living this hell and anything is pretty much better.
Well I am back from therapy and we talked a lot about my Mom - I miss her and I miss silly things about her like... Her off balance walk and her falling all the time and the fact that she just didn;t believe in failure... She would tell me the only failure was in not trying. Was she right? Am I trying?
I think I would like to set mini goals for the week - so for this week I am going to try to only exercise as long as it is fun and not as long as ED thinks I should.