On presents

Ahhhh Christmas 2010 is over! With all of it's craziness and chaos it is over.

All in all it was okay. A little extra stress added in with pupster getting bit and needing to be taken to the vet, he's totally fine and well I survived it!

But let's talk about presents. What makes a present a present? Is it a bow?
What is your favorite present?
What is the best present you gave?

For me this is actually a tough subject - presents are actually very triggering to me and I prefer not to get them (and it takes me forever to open them - I have to be in the right frame of mind) but people (myself really included here) love to give gifts. I was recently told (by my sister no less) that I am the most difficult person to buy for. She might be right since no food no clothes! But really? Anything for pup is the best gift ever... But in reality I probably am hard to BUY for. But gifts of time are always always always well received! Offer to play a game with me! Say you'll go for a walk with me. Read me a few pages of operation beautiful (operationbeautiful.com). Listen to me when I need to talk. To me, those are gifts! Very real presents...

My friend L after a particularly bad night listened to me cry and talked to me and made me feel loved. She also gave me permission to call her 24/7 when I am having a panic attack. That is a gift! With a gorgeous bow on top - just waiting to be opened when I need a gift, cool huh?

Hubster reads me poems and operation beautiful as I go to sleep at night (I am waiting on the brain cells to work again). That is a daily present, one I get to look forward to nightly.

Those were my favorite presents of 2010!

And my favorite to give was probably a megaphone to my nephew - he freaked (I knew he would - he drives a plow it will come in handy).

My biggest surprise of a gift was a telescope I gave to a niece whom (sadly) I hardly know and her sister texted me to tell me she loved it and put it together within 5 minutes of opening it!

And my happiest gift to give was probably to my friend L - I had made her slippers and she put them on right then and there at her very nice Christmas open house (even though they didn't match her gorgeous green dress)

I hope you had the happiest of holidays! I will be back soon with some jewelry I made, some ideas I have, and goals for 2011...

A pretty interesting post

Averie always has great posts but I really thought this one was a great read, what so you think?

http://www.loveveggiesandyoga.com/2010/12/natures-pharmacy-fun-food-facts-diet.html

Folding friendships

Today I was blessed! I was able to play driedle with a friend (she taught me - I'd never played before) and then she was kind enough to uncondisendingly show me how to make origami cranes.

The reason this was so impressive is that a few years ago I folded well over 1,000 cranes for my mom as a mothers day gift - 3 months later she was diagnosed with her evil cancer. As she succumbed to her illness I did to mine too. After mom's passing I slipped into some deep depression and ED and apparently that stole the ability to fold cranes from me. I relearned and took step by step photos... And she coached and cheered, just what I needed today! A day I knew I had a rough therapy session ahead of me and a no doubt stressful doc appointment tomorrow.
For a couple (of all too quick hours) I headed out a lot happier than I have been in a bit!
And while I am singing her kudos (not saying her name in case she prefers I not) this is my same friend who gave me 24/7 access to call her when I was in a bad place!

This is what Martha would call a good thing!

A week...

How are you?
This week has been a rollercoaster for me. Pupster and I are currently cuddling in bed but I spent most of yesterday and the day before thinking I didn't want a dog anymore. So let's get on with some of the highs and lows of this week. I made homemade (bread machine) bread for a bake swap - I hope oprahby2011.com liked it! And then I made melissa's whipper snappers (for the recipe go here). http://rainforestgurl.blogspot.com/2010/12/blogger-cookie-exchange.html
First I made red velvet and sister, hubster, and friends could not eat them fast enough - side note what is red velvet?

Then I made strawberry. The only difference I do is I don't roll them in powdered sugar I plop them on the parchment and sprinkle it over because I hate touching food. And again they were loved - definitely a new go to recipe! I also sent some (with the oatmeal cookies) to the winner of tina's (carrotsncake.com) auction - hope they are well received!

So that is all the good stuff the bad is that I *think* my therapist has discharged me (he wants to see me Monday but that is the distinct feeling I get) so I am going to have to figure that one out... And to boot this week's labs came back bad so I am fearing that there is a hospital visit in my near future (I am quite hoping it will be after Christmas) ugh it always happens all at once doesn't it?

But the good news is that the house is decorated and the caroles are playing and honestly life is good!

So tell me about your week?
And I can't wait to tell you about Sturbridge

Created a keeper + a recipe

Pupster is my sidekick, my constant companion and so the other day when his breeder sent me pictures of a new litter my heart melted. I want one was my first thought! Followed closely by poor pupster would have to share my love and attention (hubster notwithstanding of course) I could never do that to him! I am still debating, our old dog is fading quickly and I doubt she will make the winter (fear not she's not in pain) and I worry if he would be miserable alone. I debate if he needs a puppy of his own or if I could adopt an older dog for him (he is only 1 1/2) these were the thoughts that ran through my head as we walked yesterday (old lady says no thanks to the walks and uses the dog door and the fenced in run). All in all the only thing I could come up with was that pupster is a keeper!

Speaking of keepers

Brown sugar oatmeal cookies with red hots are keepers too (5 stars from the hubster)

1 bar earth balance butter flavor
1 egg
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 generous cup organic quick cooking oats (whole foods bulk bin)
6 tablespoons flour (I used half white all purpose half while wheat)
3/4 teaspoon cinnamon
3 tablespoons red hots candy

Combine until "fluffy" earth balance, egg, brown sugar and vanilla.
In a separate mixing bowl combine oats, flour, and cinnamon.
Mix the dry into the wet - just mix until combined, do not over mix.
Add in red hots (and chocolate chips if desired) scoop teaspoons full onto a parchment lined sheet and bake at 325* for 11-13 minutes until just browning.
I recommend cooking on the parchment (the red hits melt) and keeping an eye in them. They go from not done to burned very quickly

Just random

I have so many thoughts running through my head lately. Partly about this blog, I really don't know where I want it to go... I am honestly struggling in my recovery and think that this blog is something I need as a part of it. But what kind of blog is it?
A healthy living blog? No, not now but hopefully someday!
A craft blog? Again no, crafting is a part if me but I will occasionally go easily a month without doing a single one
A pet blog? Doubt it, I do love pupster and the horse but I'm not sure that that's what I need...
I think it's going to be a joy blog a little of me on the web.
I asked for a writing class for Christmas I would like to write well make sense and have opinions and stories and yes giveaways!

For today;
I am thankful for the ability to keep fighting

And as for the cake above? Hubster's birthday is thanksgiving but I had a party for him on Saturday - I made a cake (I was so proud of me) the theme was star wars - so yoda it was... My 4 year old nephew stopped by and informed me "that's not yoda! It's shrek silly aunty"

Photo for etsy

I am excited to be getting a profile of my friends dig for her and this is the picture I have for the artist (if it isn't good enough let me know and I will take another)

Missing the point?

I am a true believer in alternative medicines. Today I woke up physically mentally and spiritually just off. When 1:00 hit and other than a run on the treadmill I had done nothing I knew I needed to do something (ha! That sentence makes mo sense yet says it all) so I called to see if acupuncture clinic could fit me in - and they could! And so here I lay not being restful but instead reading my google reader and blogging...
Do you think I am missing the point here?

What about you? What R some things you could do to better help yourself?

Well I am off to relax

Day 11

Today was all about smiles - see it is a picture frame quilt so it says "smiles are
Perfect"

Day 10

I left this one at the bank. Banking stresses me so I wanted to give someone a highlight while they are there. And leaving it certainly lifted my day

Day 9

I figure that everyone needs to remember they are great!

Day 8

I am loving the operation beautiful note a day project - though a couple days I have missed and had to do two the next day! Today I put it on every bloggers love:
Pumpkin by Libby

Day 7

Believe in yourself! At the grocery store

Day 6

Today's amuses me :-) get it - the tag says you rock and it is a rock water fountain!

My macaroon Monday

Well it certainly isn't a macaroon but it is something I have wanted to create for a while but didn't know how. Julie, Evan, and Heather's fun macaroon Monday http://www.hangrypants.com/2010/10/macaroon-monday/ gave me the impetus I needed to create a warm fruit soup...

In the summer I am all about the homemade Popsicle but come cooler weather I only want soups. Even fruit is not appealing so I have long thought a warmed fruit soup would be delish but all the recipes I saw just weren't for me.

Yesterday I made my own!
To recreate you need:
32 ounces of apple juice (I used light)
1 1/2 cup sliced peaches (I used half a bag of frozen)
1/4 cup sweetener (I used splenda)
1/4 cup frozen blueberries
1 1/2 teaspoons of cinnamon
1 cup coconut milk (I used trader joes light)

Place all ingredients in a small crockpot for 8-10 hours and then immersion blend. For the hubster I portioned out a cup and added in 1/4 cup old fashioned oats (uncooked) and let set for 5 minutes so there was a little bite to it. For me I drank it plain. It was SO GOOD! trust me you want this in your rotation!

Day 5

Today's was a "calm" tea left on a restaurant table that I wrote keep calm + enjoy life operationbeautiful.com

Day 4

I love that this pit looks as though he's smiling and the note says smiles are beautiful

Day 3

This one also says you are amazing (I need creative ideas) but that seemed appropriate for a display of the museum of science

Do I make you proud?

Do you know that song? Taylor hicks sings it. Hubster loves it! And he lives it! The other day we went to screemfest at canobie lake park and I am such a chicken and they were selling glow necklaces for $5 so the "monsters" wouldn't get you. Well hubster practically skipped me over to the vendor. He really didn't care that if they weren't going to scare me and he was with me he was going to lose out on that experience too. When I pointed that out he said I vowed to keep you safe from everyone I can and these characters are some of them! I snuggled him and he whispered that that was way better than anything a theme park could offer him! Yup he made me proud!

I wanted to give him a little something and I KNEW just what to offer! I went on the above roller coaster with him! We sat in the front seat and I only offered one blood curdling scream he told me how proud he was :-D

The rest of the night we all just hung out having a great time until I suggested the 2 boys do the haunted house without us so they could get the full effect (we all had gone through one - hubster was a rockstar who held my hand pointed out my necklace accepted my tightly closed eyes and told me a story of princesses as I squirmed through praying to die rather than go through this). They went but I got frequent texts making sure I was okay (I need to add here that if I wasn't truly afraid of every part of this - with reason - he wouldn't have been so cautious he does NOT BABY me and I wouldn't want him to)

And over all he continued to make me proud!

So how about you... What are your fears? If you are in a relationship does your SO accept them?

Day 2

Today I wrote in the back of a receipt at a cool boutique and left it at the register - I realized though that I forgot to put operationbeautiful.com on the bottom!

Where are some of your favorite places you have left ob notes?

Day 1

My goal for November is to put out an operation beautiful note and then blog it!

This one says smiles are awesome

Longing

To belong...

This is a topic I have never broached before.

I am seriously just dying to belong.

Recently, as I looked through my contacts on my phone I realized how little I belong with these people who are or were "my friends"! They all seem to have moved in other directions - kids and family (and most don't consider pupster a real boy -- silly people), or they are single and doing the dating thing (and even IF hubster were up with that I have to go with the "it takes me hours to get up the courage for doc appointments and therapy" reality of my life), or they are excelling in careers and I am at home working out.

I have a few friends I met in different in-patients and they are probably the people I am closest to. One of them was recently readmitted to the ward where I met her, and we were talking about her phone # and that it was familiar and one of us must have been in that bed before and for some reason this upset the hubster (he felt like we should at least know what rooms we have been in) and just a little bit I felt like a _______ (not sure what the right word is? Misfit? Outsider? What?) in my own marriage. I had to wait until the hurt sting went away and then I said something to him and he apologized fir hurting my feelings, but really should he have? I doubt it.

Where am I going with this? Idk, I guess my question for you is how do you belong? Is it a feeling? Is it a commonality? Is it a choice?

Wild horses couldn't keep me from entering

Carly's http://swimrunom.wordpress.com/2010/10/11/great-blogger-pumpkin-carving-contest/ pumpkin carving contest!

I had the best time carving these rearing horses! I only wish there was a third one... I at my "hey day" had three - we called them my ladies. "off to see the ladies" "the ladies are waiting" "the ladies send their love"...

Then my beloved Cla died of colic, and my Needles got her wings on Easter (she was 13 days shy of 43) and I am left with the imp

So I guess it is appropriate that there are only two horses here they are my rearing ladies from heaven!

Happy Halloween

Savory scones!

Tonight I decided to make hubster a turkey dinner (full disclosure here it's an on-Cor family meal - I don't eat meat I am not doing whatever it is you do to a bird) and in the side I roasted some carrots in a splash of coconut oil (I get the obsessions now) and then I thought to myself "self hubster needs a bread to go with this" and since there wasn't time for the bread machine to do it's magic I figured I would make scones (I thought that sounded prettier than biscuits) and I looked online but I didn't have cheese or baking powder so... I made up my own from a few I found!

2 cups flour
1/3 cup sugar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon powdered buttermilk
7 tablespoons of butter
~1/2 cup salsa (I had made it a couple nights ago)
1 egg

Mix flour through salt. Mix in butter (I used a fork most recipes suggested your fingers). Set aside.
In a separate bowl mix buttermilk egg and salsa and pour into butter mixture.
Combine.
Make a round shape and score into however many pieces you want this to be. I made 8. Cook at 400* until golden brown ~ 22 minutes!

Enjoy hubster sure is!

The things that are difficult

Are there things standing in your way from being the person you want to be?

Is it an illness? Mental or physical?

For me it is often a compulsion with numbers... All numbers, I used to count 6s and 9s as a way of relaxing and then it was transferred to calories and the scale.

Now it is most often time. Time on the treadmill, time until hubster gets home, days until I see the doctor (though that ones in dread). Anyway, recently I had my labs drawn and it came back with me having high cholesterol and it triggered every bad behavior I know. I have spent the last 4 (again with the numbers) days fighting through this with the help of pupster - we have gone on countless walks and he hasn't minded one bit my tears on his shoulder. Ironically while in the woods yesterday I got bit by a tick and now have an appointment tomorrow with the doc (you know the person I was most avoiding) to check for Lyme!

But the good part of all this is the sights I have gotten to see... Including these turkeys who were certainly taking their damn sweet time getting out of my way. Heaven knows I wasn't going to hurry them I am still scared of birds after all...

Kettlebell step 4 - finished product

The last part of making your bell is wrapping the handle. You want to wrap several layers around the handle for 2 reasons

A - to keep your handle stable, this is important for proper position and form

B - to make the handle comfortable for holding!

Now that you have finished your bell I suggest trying out YouTube for a beginner's workout and as you progress you can make heavier weights for soooo little! How much fun is this?

Do you have any inexpensive exercise equipment or ideas?

HERE IS A KETTLEBELL WORKOUT I FOUND...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOyZxI2Zs5w&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Kettlebell step 3 - taping it up

The next step is taping up.

You want to go from bottom to top and double tape it for safety (no broken toes from breaking tape and dropping rocks)

Start with around the bottom and then over the handle - fold the edges of the tape around the handle

Then make a cross and go around keep cutting the areas in half until your bell is all covered

Now go around the bell sideways. Until there is no bag showing.

Kettlebell step 2 - picking the weights

I put 1 pound of rocks in each ziploc bag (weighed on my kitchen scale)

And arranged the bags in the bag

It left a little space on the top but I was okay with that.

Zip it shut and be prepared to make magic!

Kettlebell step 1 - assembling the ingredients

To make my kettlebell I went to the local dollar store and bought a cosmetic bag (this was pretty small - about 4.5 x 4.5 x 4.5) with a short handle (this is important because the handle length on kettlebells make it possible to do the different exercises)

I also bought a roll of duct tape at the dollar store

I used 4 ziploc bags (that I had at home)

And rocks from my yard

A post in parts

Today I am babysitting my 4 year old nephew and his 1 year old pupster... I won't get into I saw him born. I fed him his first bottle = and how old this makes me feel old... I mean the kid walks talks has whole conversations! But the point is I decided while he was watching handy Mandy I would be a little handy myself! I am working on making a home gym so I can perhaps give up one of my gym memberships (I have two because one is convenient and cheap but one is 35 minutes away but sooooo luxe).

So I have a trampoline at home ($5.00 score at the salvation army - brand new) that I run on! And I often borrow DVDs from the library most recently I saw they had kettlebell work outs. I stopped at the store to buy a kettlebell and saw a 4 pound bell was $35 and decided I would make one... The following few posts are the steps (as I am blogging from my phone and I want a photo with each step and can only add one photo per post) this project made an approximately 4 pound bell for $2!

Let me know if you make one!

A matter of perspective

Admittedly I am struggling right now. I am weight restored and stable but all the other ED crap is bothering me and body image is quite often keeping me away from the public eye :-/

But like anything you can try to change how you look at it...

Pupster had to get some work done on his hips and is therefore forced to wear a silly cone on his head for two weeks! Now I really wouldn't blame him if he was moody and whiny about this heaven knows I would be (heck I am whiny about it and I'm not the one wearing it). But pupster is acting like it's the greatest thing ever! It's not a cone... It's a scoop for his best toys, it's a way to trap his little "sister" (an 8 pound Japanese Chin!) for a game, it's a megaphone so his favorite squeaky toys are extra loud! He doesn't mind it one bit...

I think I need to take a few lessons from pupster and find the positives in situations, what about you? How are you working on improving yourself?

Ode to the iPhone

Ever since the original iPhone came out and people were waiting 12 hours in line for them I coveted one. I had faith in any product Steve Jobs had his hand in on.

Well money and fear of the dreaded touchscreen kept me from getting one. Then in June my beloved motorola karma died and the warranty replacement out of stock for 3+ weeks... What would I like to do? Well hubster was eligible for an upgrade so they offered to let me upgrade on his # but have the phone on mine. I would still get the replacement karma but I could get myself a new phone and keep the karma as a back up... I decided to bite the bullet and get the iPhone - I got the cheap model (8 gig 3GS) and walked out of the store nervous and about $100 poorer - but confident because if I hated it I could always switch back when the karma came in. Needles worry I tell you!

I love my phone! It is my security blanket. I am never without it! I blog from (say hi to the phone), I use it for pictures (as a matter of fact I use it for an app called project 365 which is a way of documenting a year of your life with a single photo a day, I web surf, I YouTube, I chat with friends (via I M), I play scrabble with the hubster, I use the calendar to remind myself of everything from when to give pupster his heartworm meds (Tuesday) to when I have therapy next (also Tuesday), I use it as a flashlight in the middle of the night, I watch tv on it and admittedly I track calories and exercise on it. I am not kidding when I say this phone is my lifeline!

I am what hubster calls an app whore... I just love that if I can think it I can tap a screen and have it! Amazing!

Do you have an iPhone or other smart phone? What features does it have that you love? Any apps I gotta get?

Finding inner peace (I need to)

Today I have to go to my old doctor's office... She sent me a letter a while ago saying she wouldn't see me anymore because she found me noncompliant. Although I disagree and did then too and had (have?) issue with a doctor saying you're too sick for me and then not suggesting any other alternatives it is what it is... But anyway, I have stalled as long as I could in finding a new doctor as the therapist has said there wasn't a choice anymore and I have an appointment two weeks from today. So today I am going to the old docs to fill out the paperwork to get copies of my medical records - ummmm hello awkward!

Going into that office I used to go into 1 to 2 times weekly weighing a bit more than I did last time I was there has caused some behaviors I am not proud of...

Add to that a weekend horse show where I was judging and I am not in a great place... So where does that leave my inner peace? Well I don't know, so I am searching...

At this weekend's horse show there was a henna artist and I love me some henna... So I got two tattoos the first is a large floral vine that travels from the tip of my left pinky up past my wrist, it's very pretty and very traditional. The other (the photo above) is the ohm symbol in my right palm. I am hoping that it will remind me to take a step back and breathe over the next two weeks. I hope it works... I am also adding in a second "mandatory" daily yoga/meditation session of 10 minutes or more...

Question:
Do you yoga? Does it help?
Do you fear docs?

"be careful what you ask for"

My mother used to have phrases for me

"joy don't cut off your nose to spite your face"

"you made your bed now lay in it"

And the list could go on forever....

But a common one was becareful what you ask for - you just might get it...
Well she is gone but tonight (yup tonight) I get it! I got what I asked for (and not in a good way)

Hubster got out of work early and I was looking forward to the night together (we are emerging from a rough patch a little beaten but stronger) but he got a phone call from a friend if ours who invited HIM out for a fun evening. It stung, this is someone I adore.

The thing is... Would I have gone? Idk probably not. I still am not comfortable being seen, I prefer to be alone or in crowded places where I am an unknown face. Where I am invisible.

I would have liked to have been asked though. You know what? How many times are people going to allow themselves to be turned down? "you get what you give" (another favorite of my mom's)

So I guess I am going to have to start pushing myself out of my comfort zone and inviting people in if I expect them to do the same...

So:
What are some of your favorite phrases?

A couple more of my mom's are
If the student hasn't learned then the teacher hasn't taught

God keep you to morning

Sweet dreams or none at all

Sweet dreams sweet repose and god bless

Brady you throw like a lady

And a zillion more

Most of my favorites make no sense out of context
ie- they let me drive da big twuck
Whose a p***y now, b***h?
I like the way you say that

Another poem

It has recently been pointed out to me how much I expect of hubster and pupster - I consider them extensions of me and really do want a lot from them... My friend called me on it when I was sad and spiraling because pupster did something dog-like. The problem is that he is so often perfect that when he is not idk what to do!

This was my haiku on it!

I baked!!!

I often tell people I don't cook.
Which isn't entirely true nor is it entirely a lie.

I cook in the crockpot fairly frequently...Even if the hubster hates having crockpot amounts of food just for him.

I bake when the feeling hits.
The thing is I do NOT cook on demand not ever!

But a friend was having a week where he was tired and working a lot of hours so I htought it would be nice to make him some beer cookies and after a quick google search I came up with these
http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,1710,153185-227200,00.html

So I followed the directions and ended up with something resembling pancake batter.
There was no way that they were going to be able to be shaped and fried (or baked in my case) so I decided to tweek the recipe
I used
3 cups AP flour
2 tablespoons of wheat germ
2 tablespoons of canola oil
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 teaspoon of salt
1 can coors light
1 teaspoon baking powder
(just seeing now they were supposed to have eggs ooopsy)
2 tablespoons cocoa powder

combine all ingredients except for the cocoa, pour half of mixture into a greased 9x13 pan (I use mazola cooking spray. into other half of mixture add cocoa and stir. then drop the cocoa batter in drops on the plain batter and swirl to make a marble loaf. bake at 350 for 20-30 minutes (when it springs back to touch)
cut into small squares and dust with powdered sugar. They are sort of similar to a scone in texture

I am told these are the best thing i have ever made...

I actually have been doing a bit of baking lately so I will have a couple more recipes coming up for you

Question:
Do you bake? If yes do you bake more in the fall or summer?

Running for sanity?

Lately I have been running every day - I have been averaging 7 - 10 miles a day. I wasn't worried about this until the other day when I took the pupster ( and really isn't he just handsome?) for a walk with a friend, we covered about 3 miles chatting all the while. I decided that harvard square is nowhere near as pet friendly as Coolidge corner - people were borderline rude! And then we went home. Sounds innocent enough, right? Well I got home and did some yoga and a quick abs workout and was waiting on the hubster to get home from work. Within half an hour of sitting there I started to panic that I wasn't running that day. I seriously thought about trying to control my thoughts but gave up on it when I remembered we were going to see a movie that night (a local mall is setting up a family drive in each Saturday night for the month of august - free of charge and with a concert and games for the kids beforehand) and I didn't want to be stressed all night and take it out on the hub so I threw on a pair of shoes and put in 3.5 miles. I was glad I did but at the same time a little disappointed that I can't just allow myself a rest day...

I really am confused as to whether I am getting better (which I am in the fact that I am eating some solid foods) or worse because I have an actual tracker on my phone to be sure I get in enough exercise...

Also randomly last week my therapist questioned if I wanted to get better. I do! But I am wondering what it is about me that makes those I work with question this. As it is my doctor discontinued seeing me because she says I am non-compliant (am seeing a new doc next month) and my nutritionist has given up too - I am thinking of how I want to handle that one, I am thinking of one or two of the health bloggers I admire (for their comfort with food) who do online nutrition coaching since it is really hard for me to get out (body image issues make me hate being seen)

So if you survived that what do you think of my nutrition online coach idea?

Are you beautiful?

YES!

This week Caitlin of healthytippingpoint.com and operationbeautiful.com (sorry don't know how to add links from the iPhone) was on good morning America! I am so excited for her! She is AMAZING

I dvr'd the show and showed it to the hubster and he was as moved as I was! So for friday night date night we brought a pad of post it's and put up notes everywhere. A few of my favorites were:
The mall had a huge ad for gift cards as gifts, we put YOU ARE A GIFT!
another was
A price fixe menu board we wrote YOU NEED NO FIXING
another
On a price scanner YOU ARE PRICELESS!
and lastly on a scale THIS IS A # YOU ARE A MIRACLE

Overall this made hubster and I feel so good and made for a great date night (minus my newly broken tooth)

What are your weekend plans?

Not sure what to do

The hubster's car is dying -- the mechanic has said he won't repair it anymore... Well he will repair it but says it needs enough work that it will be $1000 now and he sees more and more of these coming down the road in the very near future it will need a $400 repair and a couple $300 repairs... It is 12 years old and has 240,000 miles on it... It has done it's job. The problem is that with me not working we have no extra money for a car. The hubster wants a new(ish) car with the car payments that go with, I want an old POS that will last us a year or two and only cost $1000 or less. In 2 years my car will be paid off and I will be working and making $ and we will be in a better place to spend money. But this leaves us at an impasse - what do we do from here... Well this 1996 Lincoln mark 8 might be the answer it is cheap ($800) and it was the hubster's dream car when he was a kid... We are going to look on it tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me...

But in case it doesn't work out - do you have or know of a cheap reliable car for sale?

The little success

Saturday was one of my favorite times of year - it was Halloween! Well at least it was at my niece's campground. And as I have mentioned I just haven't been in the best place lately and wasn't sure ED would let me go (for those who think that's a cop-out I say live it!) but I got up and "allowed" myself a hard workout and then some yoga. And then I forced myself not to get on the scale - I knew if I did that would be it and I wouldn't be able to go. I really wanted to see the kids and I am happy to say I didn't jump on the scale and I did go to camp - I would love to say it was easy but it wasn't not only was my body image shit but my niece's kids hug A LOT and ED does not like to be touched. But I pushed through and was so happy I got to see the headless horseman (above) the pirate and first mate and the football ballerina. Score one for the good!

How was your weekend?
When was the last time you beat a demon?

Pins and needles

This week I went back to acupuncture - I went before I was last in the hospital and it really did a world of good for my head back then and have high hopes for it again... I know it is cumulative so I will stick with it and give it a go! This week was a little hard as I went there from therapy and it was a rough session for me.
I am working hard to get my head back in the healing game... That said ED has been kicking me lately, restricting sucks! But more difficult for me is the exercise I don't seem to be able to "keep it reasonable" worst was today when in a kettlebell class I hit my knee with the bell and continue through the class AND THE NEXT ONE with a throbbing swollen knee...
Alas baby steps right? And at least I am recognizing it!

I have started doing little poetries again! I hope you enjoy!!

As luck would have it

The hubster was craving oatmeal and Katie http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/2010/07/17/breakfast-sundae-school/ was having an oatmeal sundae contest all at the same time so I killed two birds with one stone (eww why do I want to kill birds?) and made him an oatmeal sundae . Included in this masterpiece (if I may call it that) is oatmeal (cooked with a naner don't tell the hubs), chocolate sauce because it isn't a cck sundae without chocolate, a peanut butter "whipped cream" dollop (since hubster doesn't like anything actually resembling whipped cream) some if my homemade crazy-Nola that I swear he only eats because I put m&m's in there (along with whatever crap sugar coated cereal he has in the cabinets) and a "cherry" made if an m&m. And the best part? He actually said that everything about this breakfast was perfect "right amount right combo right texture..." I may keel over and die! Thanks Katie for helping me think outside the old box on this one!

There is something...

Have you ever just seen someone and been drawn to them? Not necessarily in a romantic way but just drawn? Well this man does it to me. I first saw him a couple months ago walking down the street in Brookline looking much like this and I wanted to take his picture - there is something so timeless about him and I just wanted it captured. Well before I could get my wits about me he was gone ( he is a speedy little bugger ) this has happened a few times since then and each time I miss him, well the other day I saw him and my camera was already primed so I snapped a quicky as he walked by. And I think it is perfect! You can see his mission, his drive, his purpose if you will. I wonder what stories he has to tell... In his honor I am naming my most recent Popsicle creation spice of life pops - give 'em a try you won't regret it.

Spice of life pops
3/4 cup buttermilk (real or dairy free/homemade or store bought)
1/4 cup + 2 tablespoons water
Juice of 1 orange
2 tablespoons zest of orange
1 teaspoon vanilla
Good dash of cinnamon
1/3 cup sweetener (I use splenda)

Combine and freeze either in Popsicle molds or in an ice cube tray. Enjoy

Lend me a hand

I had a friend named brother blue - he was a storyteller. The hubster loved him and many many all over admired and respect him. He passed away and although I went to his wake ED kept me from his funeral and parade (body image). Well yesterday I had to go to healthworks in porter square instead of my normal Brookline location (renovations) and on the way out I noticed a grocery store and thought I would stop in looking for the ever elusive taro (another pop recipe I made up) and although I didn't find taro I found an exhibit of the parade props for blue. His beautiful hand with it's perfect butterfly on it. I needed it yesterday as I have been struggling a lot lately - I know I am slipping and have been brutally honest about it with my team I know I don't want to go down this road again. So thanks blue I needed your wisdom "ONE MORE TIME!"

How I see it

I have so many things I think of to post but then I think to myself "joy, who really wants to hear that?" so what I have decides is even if they are stupid little things I am just going to bop them up and maybe they will be what someone needs ( even if that someone is me and what I need is to get it off my chest)

The other day I donated my glasses that I have had for 8 years I have had a few new pairs since then (thank you zennioptical.com and eyebuydirect.com) but I just didn't want to part with my old faithfuls - they were a security blanket for me. I got married in them I said goodbye to loved ones in them I welcomed Tyler into this world with them and somehow never wearing them again made me sad. Until I saw a box that had words of affirmation on all 4 sides and on one side it said "joy" and the next one said "donate your glasses here" and I knew that was the universes way of telling me it was time to let someone else have a little of my view of the world! I did give them a little photo shoot before I let them go - this is my favorite of the photos.

Do you get attached to silly things?
I certainly do - my mom used to say I humanize everything remind me to tell you about the gingerbread cookie someday...

I created

I am so in awe of myself at the moment! I had been making whipped the blog's lemon buttermilk Popsicles (well my version - making soy milk buttermilk with lemon and using splenda rather than sugar) but today I decided I wanted a different flavor so I decided I wanted to try either watermelon or cocoa. Watermelon won out and this recipe was created

WATERMELON BUTTERMILK POPSICLES

2 cups watermelon purée (created with ~4 cups watermelon in the food processor)

1 cup regular or nondairy buttermilk

3/4 cup sugar or splenda

1 tablespoon lemon juice

Blend and put in Popsicle molds - this made a shitton and I molded 6 pops and a full tray of ice cubes...

Enjoy and if you make em tell me what you think...

Views

Parking at the gym the other day I was greeted with this view. I knew I wanted to share it and felt that there was SOMETHING here, I just couldn't figure out what. Then today (after being woken up at an ungodly hour by the in laws because they wanted to know what time to come over for fourth of July stuff - does no one follow the 9 to 9 rule nomore?) I decided to just start blogging so I chose my picture and jumped into Photoshop (I love my iPhone though that is a post for another day) to edit this and I went to effects and got busy I added rainbow and made it black and white I tried vignette and a quad and none of it made this picture better. And maybe that was the lesson this photo was supposed to teach me (and you) that maybe we are better just the way we are and we don't need alterations. I don't want to be a depressing blog - though those days do happen to the best of us but this is a lesson I need right now. I am not in my best ED state of mind lately (actually in therapy hospitalization came up and I am trying to avoid that) so the timing was appropriate.

Still alive

Still working... Just had about a zillion computer and phone problems. Will be back tomorrow with a real post - and perhaps some changes/ideas for the blog... Meanwhile I hope you all are well

WOW!

I often will see a recipe on a blog and flag it for future making (most of the time that future doesn't come)but last week I saw this post and KNEW these had to be made, and right away! And well Yeah I was right! I made a half batch yesterday after stopping at the dollar store and picking up popsicle molds (yup I am that kind of classy) and the grocery store to get some lemons and some Powdered buttermilk (never used buttermilk before and figured the powdered would last longer and I could make other things with it if these were a bust). Well I got home and went straight to making them, I admit to tasting the batter and thinking how the heck am I going to survive for 5 hours until I can eat them AND contemplating running back to the store to get another set of molds so I could have a full batch. So that worrying and cheaping out on ingredients? Yeah NO worries they are a hit, even the hubster loved them! They are almost as good as my beloved boyo and so refreshing! And now I am thinking of all the possibilities. Would grapefruit work (I LOVE me some grapefruit)? What about blueberries and lemon zest? A friend wants me to try strawberry, and I just thought what about a cran orange? This could be a new obsession.

So I tweaked the recipe a bit
I used
2 3/4 tablespoons powdered buttermilk
2/3 cup water
mix mix mix
add in 1/3 cup splenda (well cheapo store brand I reiterate classy isn't my middle name)
zest of one whole lemon (I didn't feel like measuring) and the juice of that same lemon (again no measuring)
stir stir
add in the teeniest bit of salt
and pour into 8 molds (I think they are about 1 ounce each)

According to my calculations they are about 10 calories each!
Yeah that's my kind of summer snack

On a separate note the lovely hubster bought me a new laptop for school and so I will be able to blog more regularly because I won't have to wait 10 years for my 6 year old dell desktop to turn on everytime I want to type anything. I am hoping for 3 times a week, I really don't think I am anymore interesting than that!

Have a great day!

And now Emily is having a giveaway

It has been a couple of days since I last checked in and that was mostly because I had checked out of the world for a few - basically hubster and I got into an arguement and I never handle them well. I was all ready to throw in the towel and call the divorce lawyer as I am every time we fight because as my therapist reminded me today I am so afraid of people leaving me that I throw them out. This is so true in my life -- I have almost no connections with family for fear of them choosing to leave or dying. I can cut friends out without a second thought (although I may miss them ME choosing when they leave is so much better than the alternative to me) even pupster isn't immune to this for me. When he does something *gasp* doglike I seriously think OMG it is time for him to go - HA without him I have no reason to wake up in the morning, that stub is all I need to make the worst day be pretty darn good. And well hubster, pupster and I had a talk last night and we are all a little happier!
AND EMILY IS HAVING A GIVEAWAY
http://eatventures.wordpress.com/2010/06/16/a-great-could-be-greek-giveaway/#comment-2775

Mish is having a giveaway

I think you should check it out!
http://eatingjourney.com/2010/06/15/in-love-with-these-the-silver-maple-giveaway/#comment-7781

I am craving this:
http://thesilvermaple.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=1&products_id=52
Tell me you have ever seen a prettier necklace!

Multimedia message

When life rains down on you how do you handle? Do you get an umbrella and pretend it isn't happening? Do you do nothing and wallow in it? Do you smartly redirect it into a beautiful fountain? Normally I (well I would like to say) I redirect it... Yesterday I was wallowing in it. I just had a horrible day starting from not being able to do my normal morning routine with my father in law, to a friend who needed to reschedule, to not being able to get in the gym because I didn't have my card, to my gps not working, to finding a dirty drunk homeless man fallen out of his wheelchair and helping him up and scratching my arm on his dirty wheelchair... And if all that didn't make me hate this day enough I get a phone call that my godmom fell and broke her hip... All on a day that the hubster was having a self focused day and couldn't've been bothered to support me. Needless to say it was not a success of a day and ED won a lot of it...

The happy week

Mish is having a happy week this week and invited all of her readers to join her...

So I give to you MY happy week:
* Seeing friends (once I am there I enjoy it talking myself into going not so much)
* The pupster
* The hubster
* A nice workout
* a perfect sunny day
* frozen yogurt (but the body says no)
* My wedding band (it is such a reflection of me)
* Notes in the mail
* Making jewelry
* Giving gifts
* a good salad
* a massage
* a nice walk
* sitting by the fire
* accomplishing something (pretty much anything since I never do)
* going to bed
* the ache of a good workout
* getting a good deal
* Healthworks
* Blogs
* BoYo (try their sorbet YUM)
* My new Champion stride and trims (whether or not they actually do anything I FEEL like I am working more)

What about you - what makes you happy?

Speechless

I am not often rendered speechless, a trait I inherited from my mother who had a comeback for EVERYTHING!

But a few times in the last 2 days I have just not been able to utter a word.

~ Driving down one of the main streets of my town and seeing a man in his mid-20s walking calmly down the road CARRYING AN AXE! Really?!?

~ My dog got stung by a dozen bees yesterday and WHILE they were stinging him he came and listened while I told him to sit and cleared them off of him...

~ Healthworks is amazing and leaves me speechless...

~ Today I saw a friend of mine who is homeless and got a quick catch-up

~ Saunas - seriously saunas are the best thing ever!

~ Running into someone from my past in a bad place.... (where I was in my head not the location)

~ A weird quazi-conversation with a family member that left me feeling like I had done something wrong.

And this Tree:
This tree fell on Comm Ave during the tornados (okay really need I remind you I live in New England peeps there is no tornados here)

And check out this giveaway
http://eatingjourney.com/2010/06/09/a-happy-giveaway/

Wow - now that's some wind

I was at the wonderful Healthworks today and while I was there it was apparently pouring and windy out - well I didn't know I was comfy and cozy inside - elliptical, bike, weights and a sauna and I was loving life! Well in the locker room (twice I just typed dressing room - freudian slip there) and another lady told me that there was a tree crossing Comm Ave not too far from where we were. And when I went out WOWIE it was so windy I am telling you I felt like I was in Kansas on my way to Oz... Seriously I kept looking for Toto!

I decided (in total me fashion) that I needed a sorbet at this moment so I figured it made sense to WALK an extra 2 miles IN A TORNADO warning to get it. Sometimes I have NO common sense, but I saw some amazing (not necessarily in a good way) sights and made it back to the car in one piece. However I am also EXHAUstED! Good night, hope your weekend was filled with wonderful safety.

Ummm yeah awkward

So today I drove in to healthworks for the first time to use my 14 day trial (review to come another day. And if I am being totally honest here (and why not because I think I am still alone here and this is my recovery blog so if I have to lie then that totally defeats the purpose, no?) I was having a very "behavior" day and was fighting ED on some turns but others (like working out hard) I was letting ED win. But overall I would classify this day as successful. ANYWAY, I do the little sign-up thing at the front desk and find out that there is cardio downstairs so that's where I head and I jump on a cool elliptical like machine and hit it hard and I am happy and listening to my iPod when I see a woman out of the corner of my eye and I am like "I know her, hmmm how?" and I can't figure it out so I chalk it up to she's a blogger and go on with my workout (PS they were playing New Moon on the DVD player - YAY but she looks at me and I can see that she is thinking the same thing that she knows me and I am rumbling around in my head with where did I meet her? Hmmm, maybe the blogger bash? Nah - maybe a store? Nope - OMG, she was a counselor at one of my last treatment places and at that moment she recognized me too. I looked down and kept pedaling but I was like damn wrong day to see me.

Ohhhh well, Healthworks is gorgeous!

Aerobic - 8 minute Abs (workout fitness)

This is seriously my favorite workout and has been for years! I started it back in the day and still love to rock it out when I need a "relaxer" workout - and actually my video is destroyed so I am SO excited that I found it on Youtube! If you give it a try let me know what you think of it!

Whose got monsters?

Green monster? I look at the green monsters in blogland and wonder if I would like them... Still not sure if I would be enjoying spinach in almond milk but matcha with soy milk and splenda? Now that's a monster I can get into... Speaking of monsters does anyone remember the book "there is a monster at the end of this book" I loved that book as a kid and recently found a copy at the thrift store... It is as cute as I remember - unfortunately the pupster doesn't appreciate a rousing rendition of Grover...

Catch up - Healthworks blogger bash

Well I certainly have a lot of catching up to do so much has happened since last I posted

First and foremost I went to a WONDERFUL healthworks blogger bash it was held at the fabulous liberty hotel and hosted by Ripe Drink Mixes and Double Cross Vodka. I actually didn't know what I was going to - I thought it was a get together with bloggers and readers of and her little dog too (one of my favorite blogs) but when I got to Alibi there was everyone. I had a great time meeting Leslie, Elina, Meghan, and some of the other great ladies there, and enjoyed a drink (which is something I NEVER do - can't stand the lack of control or the wasted calories) but I must say the strawberry drink they made was seriously the most delicious thing I have ever had to drink - actually if I were to get married all over again that would be my signature drink - it had the RIPE, Double cross vodka, a strawberry that was muddled in it and some fresh basil - holy summer in a glass! There was also all sorts of pizzas and appetizers but none for me. I had a drink and then water.

As the evening grew to a close at the hotel one of the LOVELY healthworks people gave me a swag bag even though I hadn't RSVP'd and am not of the caliber of the bloggers whose company I was enjoying. And HOLY COW what a bag it was.
In it was:
Siggi's yogurt coupons (and the whole thing was in a siggi's boat bag)
Popchips with great stats - whole small bag is only 100 calories (review shortly)
a 14 day pass to healthworks and a 50 minute massage there as well - I can NOT wait to try out the club - I lust after a healthworks membership!
A really cute sportsbra by Nux (review coming soon - wearing today for the first time)
a 20% off coupon to CitySports and an adorable t-shirt that I am loving!
A cut and color at a new salon on Newbury St. Rock Paper Scissors
Some fabulous oatmeal by Mad Hectic Oatmeal
A spray tan at SkinHealth Centers
A $35 gift certificate to Task Rabbit LOVE this service - write up coming soon
A gift certificate to EverSave
and
a gift certificate towards a custom Zyrra bra
Talk about amazing!

After all that fun I wasn't quite ready to go home yet so I stopped at BoYo and went for a walk around the city at midnight and was highly amused to see

in the middle of the night - no it wasn't an emergency it was just the best time of day for them to do it...

oooh a recipe seitan pot roast

http://veganplanet.blogspot.com/2008/03/slow-cooker-seitan-pot-roast.html

Glowing

Yesterday I was told I was glowing...
It was like a punch in the face - I know that the person who said it was giving her best compliment but I couldn't (and can't) hear that - ED heard awful things that had me engaging in behaviors again. I am so disappointed in how far I haven't come...

But something I can (happily) glow out is Katie's giveaway http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/2010/05/01/another-shopping-spreewheeeee/

Sometimes it hurts

This is a post that has been rambling around in my head for a few days

The last couple of days have shown me a bit of pain - both emotionally and physically

Lets start with the emotional because that one hurt me more - recently a few of my friends were having an exhibition and I really wanted to go. I worked myself up for it for days... I got into Boston a couple hours early, got myself a cup of chamomile tea (which of course I just found out I am allergic to - are you kidding me??) and relaxed, I was going! And then the ED started and the doubt creeped in it started with "look at you! You can't go, people will see how far you have let yourself go" and went down from there - I should have ignored it, but I thought maybe a new shirt would help so I ran to the store and tried some on. But! The mirrors I forgot about the mirrors. And then the call of shame "L I can't make it, I thought I could but I just can't - have fun tonight and good luck" and I walked the 3 miles back to my car knowing I had been beaten and it hurt.

As for physical that is the part that I swear people don't understand I wake up in the middle of the night EVERY! SINGLE! NIGHT! in pain because my body hurts - foot cramps from potassium being off, back aches, stomach pains. But this week my osteo kicked me and my ankles are so sore that it hurts to walk, I am hoping I didn't reinjure my stress fractures but it feels like I did. I don't remember doing anything that should have though.

AN, BN, ED - they all suck, how do I get MY life back - you know like the one where I don't have to "check in" to see if I can do something?

Therapy

Today I have therapy and I am always so much better after but still a disaster before. The know ing I have to be seen and that knowing I am being "judged" (I know W isn't really judging me or maybe he is - isn't that what therapy is all about?) just sets me off. It makes me a person I don't want to be... There is so much of me that wants to heal and so much of me that is afraid to. I don't even know why I am afraid...

I guess a part of it is that right now in ED I am not afraid - I do things that would scare me and I do not worry - what is the worst that could happen? I am living this hell and anything is pretty much better.

Well I am back from therapy and we talked a lot about my Mom - I miss her and I miss silly things about her like... Her off balance walk and her falling all the time and the fact that she just didn;t believe in failure... She would tell me the only failure was in not trying. Was she right? Am I trying?

I think I would like to set mini goals for the week - so for this week I am going to try to only exercise as long as it is fun and not as long as ED thinks I should.

Finding fun recipes

Today I found a fun recipe that I want to remember - it is easy and low calorie... What more could I want?
It comes from katie over at
http://makingfoodandotherstuff.wordpress.com/
It is almond milk yogurt AKA YoMond
I combined a cup of milk with 1 T lemon juice, let it sit for 5 min.

Added 1 T cornstarch and boiled it until it was thick. I added some stevia and a bit of vanilla, stuck it in the fridge and gobbled up for dessert.

Reviving an old friend

I have another blog - I have for the years in between when I started this one (and actually shortly before) and now... So I wonder why I am using this blog again? I think it is because I want to grow and I want to be able to talk more freely and my family (most importantly my nieces) read that blog and so I have to be censored and I really don't want to be anymore. I am struggling and I want to get better and at the same time I fear it like nothing I have ever feared before.
I want to be able to talk about food or lack of it depending on where I am in the journey, I want to be able to talk about exercise, and body image and all the problems that go along with an eating disorder - the isolation from family and friends, the fear, the same - all of it. And so this old friend is back a place for me to find my place in this world whether it is in an ED world or free from those chains I guess time will tell!