More than EDNOS

A lesson learned??

2012-02-13T10:28:00.001-05:00

Warning that this post is e.d. Heavy so don't read it if that upsets you!

The littlest things will set me off... And I'll purge. It's nobody and nothing's fault other than my own and I own that. The other day I was fine - nothing happened other than body image (omg I seriously hate body image issues) and I decided I needed to purge (ok brain we really need to work on this) and I did after I did I looked down and my moms diamond was missing from my finger and the ONLY thing I could think was I flushed it I lost my mind. Well I hadn't lost it it'd fallen off in the kitchen (I found it on the floor)

Will I learn? Will that fear keep me from purging another day? I hope so!

+++have you ever lost something very precious? Did you get it back?+++

Friday fill in

2012-02-11T14:23:00.001-05:00

another courtesy of
http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/2012/02/and_09.html

1. When it comes time to make a decision, I MAKE IT AND THEN QUESTION IT FOR THE NEXT TEN MILLION YEARS
2. DO WHATEVER EVERYONE ELSE WANTS that must be the rule.
3. Ma says, GOD KEEP YOU TO MORNING
4. I AM SO HAPPY WALKING IN THE WOODS, BUT at the same time I REALLY LOVE BEING IN THE CITY
5. I never saw A SLUSHIE I DIDN'T LIKE
6. PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING IS not a new invention.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to FIXING MY FRIENDS HOUSE, tomorrow my plans include GOING TO A TENTH ANNIVERSARY MEMORIAL, and Sunday, I want to GO FOR A RUN AND FRIENDS ARE COMING OVER

+++what are you doing this weekend?+++

Sleepless night success

2012-02-08T04:35:00.001-05:00

So yesterday at 7:00 AM I tweeted about insomnia and that it had won the battle but that I'd win the war!

But that wasn't the whole story... Insomnia may have kept me awake but it wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

You see while I wasn't sleeping I came up with Pretty fun crafts... On pinterest a week or so ago I came across these: http://www.atwestend.com/Catalogue/New/set-of-four-felt-piggy-banks

My heart swooned - however, the price? Not as big a fan... But last night, last night I remembered some felt scraps I had leftover from Christmas presents and I thought to myself - there no time like the present. And so I cut and I sewed and I ended up with two cute little piggies and an owl. Worked out well in the end - a little (okay a lot) less sleep but I got myself one little piggy and my etsy shop got a pig and an owl (and I'm betting after tonight a heart) so I think I won the war (ish??? Let's give my sleep deprived brain this win, okay??)

Side note: I got 6 hours of sleep tonight

+++are you a good sleeper? And seriously how cute are felt pigs? +++

Friday fill in super bowl edition

2012-02-04T08:59:00.001-05:00

Another fun Friday fill in courtesy of:
http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/2012/02/and.html

This has been a really rough week for me and I'm hoping for better days soon :-) unfortunately a lot of what makes me happy short term isn't what works long term...

1. Go ahead, there's some SUNNY D ON THE TOP SHELF OF THE FRIDGE
2. HEALTHY MIND SET (or the cutest shirt i ever saw it said "almost not crazy" i die) I'll get that soon!
3. Don't worry, I DO ENOUGH OF IT FOR ALL OF US! You're welcome :-)
4. SURVIVAL IS THE GOAL for the day.
5. Pretty much EVERY DAY
6. PLAY SCRAMBLE EITH FRIENDS OR WORDS WITH FRIENDS with me.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to MAKING PUPSTER'S VALENTINE'S CARDS tomorrow my plans include A WALK IN THE WOODS and Sunday, I want to WATCH THE PATRIOTS WIN THE SUPER BOWL!

+++are you watching the game?+++

On storage

2012-01-31T13:15:00.001-05:00

Another fun survey from:
http://f.riday5.com/?p=582

What are your favorite storage containers like?

I love pretty bins and boxes - things where they not only hide the clutter but also add to the aesthetic value of the room.

What seems to require more time and energy to store than it’s worth?

Non sentimental holiday decorative items! Ever since moving into the wee house we have a storage unit - it costs $100 a month if hubster wasn't a Halloween hoarder we wouldn't need it and I bet for way less than $1200 we could decorate for Halloween

What unusual container are you storing something in?

I don't think any of it's unusual
Ohhh wait does storing my printable coupons on my phone as an image count??

What packaged product has a container you really like?

Republic of tea - their tins are so cute

If you suddenly had some new storage space in your home, what would likely go there?

Games

+++what odd things do you store?+++

Where everybody knows your name

2012-01-26T15:32:00.001-05:00

So this week I went to get my labs taken. I walked in and the receptionist was like "hi joy" before I gave her my paperwork. I laughed and commented that I must go in too often if she knows me by sight. As we are laughing the tech walks in and says "hey joy, got any blood in your veins this week" and we joke about me being norm and this is my cheers...

This led me to thinking of places I'd actually LIKE to be at so often they know me. Here's my list:

Massage parlor

Manicure/pedicure place

Facial place

West Elm

Mahoney's garden

Jamaica

Stone zoo

Harold Parker state forest (trees are people too)

Ikea

The library

Charitable everything

The yoga studio

Hair salon

The dog groomer (they do know me and pupster and have withdrawals if I go more than a month)

The barn

++where's on your list of places you wish they knew your name?+++

Stitch in time

2012-01-21T18:00:00.001-05:00

I got this fun 5 survey from:
http://f.riday5.com/
Go check them out!

What was your first wristwatch like?

It was a swatch - and I wanted it sooooo bad and I lost it the first day

What lately seems to have been a thief of time?

Working out?
Therapy?
Purging? (yup wrote it, meant it, wanna stop it!)

What were yesterday’s quietest five minutes like?

Ohhhh sitting on the couch with my feet on hubster and my pupster 'nuggling up close

In what way have you lately been saving time?

I save time by doing things exactly the same each morning

We are often charged hourly rates for labor, but we never get to reciprocate in kind when promised completion times don’t match actual completion. If you could bill people for the time you spend waiting, what would be a reasonable amount?

I think somewhere in the $10-$20 an hour range would at least make people stop and think!

+++what's a TIME when you were truly happy?+++

I want that and a stroll down memory lane

2012-01-19T09:00:00.001-05:00

I was on pinterest just now and saw these:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B005OSB0WA?is=300&in=2
Ummmm let's think this through FAIRY TALE salt and pepper shakers oh holy hell I want that! I could be my own damn fairy godmother
So while checking out the link I noticed they were made by Fred http://www.worldwidefred.com/home

and it reminded me of a time that hubster and I went with sone friends to Foxwoods and saw the titanic exhibit... Well when we were given the tickets to "board" I asked if anyone died and the person was like well yes the vast majority die. And I freaked I was like I better not die and he replied that he (and I) had no way of knowing until the end.

I went through the whole exhibit swearing up and down that if I died there would be bad results (you really become this person) and so when we got to the final room I skipped by all the interactive stuff and went to see if I was dead! Happily I was not!!! And my two friends made it out alive, hubster did not have the same fate however and he fed the fishes... For the rest of the night I laughed so hard it hurt (I actually don't believe I've ever laughed that hard before or after)... We saw the cutest Fred (see it all comes around) ice cube tray as we were leaving (of the titanic) and I didn't buy it because I could stop laughing enough to STAND in line... It was bad!

+++does Fred stuff make you laugh too?+++

Sometimes you do not feel like being yourself

2012-01-16T07:13:00.001-05:00

And on days like that this DIY "quick disguise kit" would come in handy!

http://www.designhousedigital.com/content/blog/happy-april-fools-day/

Heck even pupster sometimes rocks the stache

20 questions yo

2012-01-14T08:25:00.001-05:00

I found this over on janetha's blog and thought it'd be fun to play along

http://mealsandmovesblog.com/2012/01/13/twenty-questions/

1) What is one of your favorite ways to spend a Saturday?
Hiking with pupster :-) (and yup we have every intention of bundling up and doing just that soon)

2) List your top three favorite TV shows.
House
Grey's anatomy
Private practice

3) Would you rather be in pictures or take them?
I'd always rather take pictures * speaking of photos I was cleaning out drawers of our side table yesterday and they were literally stuffed with photos like thousands - crazy huh? So I went through them and between duplicates, horrid pictures, pictures of things I could not care less about and people I don't know I got rid of 60-70% of them - crazy huh? I have a dozen I'm mailing to people who'd love them the rest went out in the trash

4) Why do you blog?
so I exist to more than just hubster and pupster

5) Share five websites that you visit regularly…
google reader
Twitter
Pintrest
Groupon
Task rabbit
Craig's list

6) If you could have lunch with one person from your Twitter list who would it be?
bob from biggest looser

7) List a few of your favorite snacks.
I'm not a snacks person but a yummy tea is always good

8 ) Do you have a pet? If so, what kind?
I have pupster the standard poodle

9) Which three material possessions would you struggle to live without?
my phone
My car
My house

10) What’s your favorite drink?
lately chai tea

11) Do you enjoy cooking?
no

12) Do you have children?
pupster?

13) What are your favorite hobbies?
Running
Hiking
Looming
Crochet
Jewelry

14) Would you consider yourself to be shy or outgoing?
I'd say people probably think I'm shy but I'm really just insecure

15) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change?
my attitude towards me?

16) Who is your favorite actor/actress?
Julia Roberts

17) What’s the coolest thing you’ve done this week?
clearing out the drawers was pretty cool

18) Do you live near your family or far from them?
pretty close

19) List three of your talents.
I listen well
I'm pretty good with dogs
I'm a faithful friend

20) What is your greatest attribute?
I'm a faithful friend

+++would you like to answer a couple?+++

Friday fill-ins

2012-01-13T15:31:00.001-05:00

Another great one from http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/2012/01/and_12.html

Another great one from And...here we go!

1. When I looked out the window this morning I SAW THAT THERE WAS STILL A TEENY TINY PILE OF SNOW & I REMEMBERED IT WAS STILL WINTER
2. PEOPLE'S VIEWS OF THE WORLD AND OTHER PEOPLE doesn't make sense to me.
3. Remind me THAT EVERYONE HAS FEELINGS EVEN IF I DISAGREE WITH THEM
4. WALKING IN THE WOODS is something I love to do!
5. TP is SOMETHING WE RUN OUT OF ALL TOO OFTEN
6. I cleaned the refrigerator recently and I found NOTHINGNESS - I REALLY NEED TO GROCERY SHOP LIKE AN ADULT! THE FRIDGE HAS BEVERAGES AND THE FREEZER IS FULL OF FROZEN MEALS... COOKING? HMMM NOTSOMUCH
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to HANGING WITH THE PUPSTER AND WATCHING MR POPPERS PENGUINS, tomorrow my plans include GOING WITH MY NIECE TO THE GARMENT DISTRICT, and Sunday, I want to WATCH FOOTBALL - SPECIFICALLY I WANT TO WATCH THE PATS WIN!

+++what are you doing this weekend?+++

What I've been up to...

2012-01-11T13:13:00.001-05:00

I was thinking that it would be fun for me, to every once in a while show what I've been doing.

I craft - well I go through spurts where I craft and then I hate it for a while. Ironically in the winter I prefer to bundle up and go for a hike more than sit around the house. And in summer I like to run... But often fall or spring I craft

Lately I've made these headphones. I saw THE CUTEST ones ever at juicy couture but they were $80! If I'm spending $80 I guarantee you it's on pupster not headphones! So I went down to the local store and bought $5 headphones and looked in my scrap yarn. This is what I came up with!

As it turns out my nieces think they're pretty cool and I made them some too! And a pair for a friend (still haven't gotten to mine yet but I am loving giving them away so great trade I think) so instead of $80 I spent $5 and a couple hours - cant beat that with a stick!

+++are you a crafter?+++

Friday fill ins

2012-01-06T09:25:00.001-05:00

Another great one from fridayfillins.blogspot.com

1. Discussions USUALLY HAVE TO HAPPEN BUT IF YOU CAN RESUME LIFE WITHOUT THEM THEN IT'S GOOD.
2. GOTTA KISS THE PAST goodbye.
3. I think it's time TO LIVE FOR THE FUTURE
4. PUPSTER ALMOST ALWAYS puts a smile on my face.
5. Maybe sometime I WILL WANT TO BE A MEMBER OF SOCIETY AGAIN MEANWHILE THOUGH IM A RECLUSE
6. OFTEN WRITING AND PINNING gives me strength.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to GOING TO CIRQUE SHANG HAI tomorrow my plans include A LONG WALK WITH PUPSTER and Sunday, I want to WHO KNOWS BUT I DO KNOW HUBSTER IS GOING OVER OUR NEPHEWS HOUSE TO BUILD

Fabulous and five!

2012-01-05T13:23:00.001-05:00

Today one of my goals was buying myself a new coat - my current coat is rather (shall we say) worn? That's what happens when you're a person who delves onto things without thinking. There was a hole in the back from where I sat on the fireplace and it melted my coat. The arms and bottom front had green on then from where I painted HUBSTER'S ladder green for Christmas... The arms had lost most of their down. Every single time I wore it my self worth went down...

But I HATE coat shopping I hate spending the money required for a coat! After stopping at (far too many) places I stopped at the thrift store! All blue tag items we're half off and fortunately there was a long pea coat in my size. It's bright blue (which I love) and its warm! I feel a need to alter it a bit (pretty buttons an something on the collar) but overall it'll do! Best of all??? 9.99 and 1/2 off so $5! Now that's fabulous

***note that's not me, or my coat - but close

+++do you thrift?+++

Return to sender

2012-01-04T08:24:00.001-05:00

Three simple words, seemingly harmless and yet, for me, loaded with fear.
Yesterday I drove into the yard and there was a package on my front porch... Upon closer inspection I realized it was one I'd sent; to my cousin, my mentally ill cousin whose brother died early last year, my mentally ill cousin whose "crazy" brother that she'd never lived without died last year.

The package said in red stamp "unable to forward, return to sender"
Nothing more. No "don't worry Joy she's okay but moved to a place where she could be taken care of" stamp. No "you suck and haven't talked to her since thanksgiving and she threw herself off a bridge" stamp.

I carried it inside and called her, there was no answer - I hadn't really expected one but I'd certainly been hoping. I googled her name and nothing came up so I will assume she's not dead.

But now I wait, for her to contact me - the ball... It's in her court. The worry and Christmas package... Well it's in mine!

+++have you ever lost someone without them dying?+++

End of 2011 meme

2012-01-03T10:35:00.001-05:00

1. What did you do in 2011 that you had never done before? Lived at a new address.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't really set resolutions so I can't really keep them!

3. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? A better handle on who I am.

4. What’s your biggest achievement of the year? In reality I am pretty proud of myself for having survived last year. And for realizing that I am not responsible for every bad thing in the world

5. What was your biggest failure? Probably how much I let others and myself hurt me physically and mentally

6. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yeah 2011 was the year my kidneys decided they hated me, my heart agreed and I broke 5 bones in my foot thankyouverymuch

7. What was the best thing you bought? Pretty sure I'm supposed to say the house but the reality is my real tree made me happy! Really really happy! So did some craft supplies

8. Whose behavior deserves merit? Pupster. He greets each day and each person with happiness and love

9. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted? My oldest sister - there's not one thing she's done I'm proud of

10. Where did most of your money go? Buying and furnishing the tartis house

11. What did you get really, really excited about? The house :-)

12. Compared to this time last year are you?

a)happier or sadder? happier

b)fatter or thinner? Slightly thinner

c)richer or poorer? Same in the bank but WAY less debt sooooo richer?

13. What do you wish you had done more of? Hung out with friends

14. What do you wish you had done less of? Please people who are unpleasable

15. What was your favorite TV program: starving secrets

16. What did you want and get? The new house.

17. What did you not want and not get? A rain barrel

18, What was your favorite film this year? Michael Jackson this is it

19. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? I don't think I did anything I was 36

20. What kept you sane? Pupster always pupster

21. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Simon cowell.

22. Who was the best new person you met? Nicole my new friend and designer.

23. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. That you cannot reason with irrational people who think their way is the only way.

On dogs and such

2012-01-01T22:39:00.001-05:00

We are considering getting pupster a pup of his own. The rescue league let me know to expect ~$300 a year in costs... I choked (back the laughter). Pupster costs monthly:
$45 (insurance)
$25 (average of vet bills)
$60 (dry food)
$33 (wet food)
$20 (treats)
$70 (grooming he's a poodle)
$10 (average of toys and clothes)

Ummm that's $263 A MONTH -

however when you add in what a simple pat on his head does to my mood, or the fact that his calming breath can stave off a panic attack, that his high 5 can count as my greeting and will often get me to places I wouldn't go I am pretty sure that he is saving me money. Sure I go to therapy multiple times a week but I'd probably be in patient or worse if I didn't have a great friend who doesn't judge and who kisses my tears away....

+++are you a pet person? Do you see their value in therapy?+++

Welcome to 2012

2012-01-01T12:02:00.001-05:00

Happy new year! Did you have a great new years eve? I certainly did! I spent it with my sister and her family! It was a great way to welcome in a new year!

I'm not one for new years resolutions because I never keep them but I am one to set life goals and one that I am working towards now is volunteering more. Hubster and I recently volunteered at a shelter and it was a life changing experience - the people were amazing and grateful and a lot of the people there (who worked/ran it) were people who had overcome their own demons and were now giving back! It was awesome to see and wonderful to feel a part of! I will be starting a series of my volunteer experiences - I'm hoping they'll be inspiring ;-)

+++do you volunteer?+++

50 questions finished!!!!

2011-12-31T14:17:00.001-05:00

50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you

Hmmm... I think that many of the choices that are being made right now are being made for me - but with my consent and my best interest in mind so it's ok

+++what about you, who's making your decisions right now?+++

50 questions #49

2011-12-31T08:53:00.001-05:00

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

No! Nope I don't even remember it today... Vaguely remember that I went for a walk (48 freaking degrees at the end of december? You can bet your sweet booty i went walking!) at some point...But other than that it was a day of nothingness

+++what'd you do yesterday?+++

Friday fill in

2011-12-30T09:20:00.001-05:00

Another great fill in from
http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/2011/12/happy-new-year-to-all-of-you-and.html

Happy New Year to all of you!!! And...here we go!

1. Wait, wait I HAVEN'T ACHIEVED MY RESOLUTIONS - THE YEAR CAN'T BE OVER!!!
2. THIS YEAR is a little different WE WILL BE CELEBRATING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A NEW HOME!!!
3. In addition, WE WONT BE SEEING MY SISTER (being catty here but YAY for the no toxicity)
4. STAYING IN AND (me falling asleep early) PLAYING GAMES AND WATCHING THE BALL DROP is the way we do it here!
5. At the end of the year, I like to LOOK FORWARD TO THE NEW AND STOP LIVING IN THE PAST
6. SPRING! AND WALKS IN THR WOODS WITH PUPSTER is one of the things I'm looking forward to in 2012.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to WELL ITS NOT TONIGHT BUT THIS AFTERNOON IM GOING TO TEA WITH PUPSTER AT THE BREEDERS HOME! tomorrow my plans include DROPPING OFF PRESENTS FROM CHRISTMAS 2011 AND 2010 AT MY GODMOTHERS I WILL NOT START ANOTHER YEAR WITHOUT GIVIBG THEM TO HER! and Sunday, I want to GET OUTSIDE, WALK, AND WELCOME A HAPPY HEALTHY 2012!!!

50 questions #48

2011-12-30T09:01:00.001-05:00

48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

I love memories and people and stuff and I learned I don't love things. I have been trying to express my love lately by spending time and thought for the people I love - hence making most Christmas gifts. I hope they realize it is love!

Mostly, I love these 2 faces!!

+++how do you show your love?+++

50 questions #47

2011-12-29T09:34:00.001-05:00

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

ALL THE TIME! I feel like the fact that I can hear myself breathe is a commentary on my being overweight - the hubster reminds me that if I wasn't breathing I'd be dead and so it's okay ;-) sometimes I am certain I drive him crazy!!!

+++does the sound of your own breath distress you? Or am I alone in my craziness?+++

50 questions # 46

2011-12-28T16:13:00.001-05:00

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Wait, am *i* included in that nobody? Because if I am I'd live my life completely different - I am my own worst judge and my own harshest critic!

+++are you your own worst judge?+++

50 questions #45

2011-12-28T09:17:00.001-05:00

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Because who likes to make mistakes? Who likes to fail or fall? Nobody!

+++are you able to look at mistakes as learning experiences?+++

50 questions #44

2011-12-27T14:25:00.001-05:00

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

Anytime that you can do what you know is right you should, in my opinion. Sometimes though that is much harder a practice than it is a concept.

And although this isn't what they meant today I did what was right by taking pupster out on a walk in the woods because it is what his soul (and mine) needed forgetting that the weather man said it'll snow! We are almost back to the car so I think we dun good!

+++when was the last time you did what you knew was right regardless of the consequence?+++

50 questions # 43

2011-12-27T08:44:00.001-05:00

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

Ahhh - I am alive but I'm envious of those I see living! Living is going places and enjoying yourself and not being afraid of your own shadow.

+++are you alive or living?+++

50 questions # 42

2011-12-26T20:57:00.001-05:00

Hallelujah there's an end in sight!!!

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

Yup! And pretty sure I've reduced it by more than that in the unattainable quest for pretty and thin and in control of... Well I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm supposedly in control of here but that's the goal, right?

+++would you reduce your life for fame, fortune, or beauty?+++

50 questions # 41

2011-12-26T10:00:00.001-05:00

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

F no! This question sucks!

50 questions #40

2011-12-25T21:07:00.001-05:00

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

I am not sure I understand this question... I think it is asking when I last went into something sorta without knowing... Probably in buying the wee house...

+++what do you think this question means?+++

50 questions #39

2011-12-24T08:25:00.001-05:00

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Most of my days feel like one long never ending day... I don't think of it like groundhog day but more like "the song that never ends"

+++when was the last time you had dejavu?+++

50 questions # 38

2011-12-23T15:43:00.001-05:00

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

Oh holy heck! An easy one!!! I'd rather have more work I enjoy doing! Who wouldn't want to do more of what they love?
When I make jewelry, or knit hats, or arrange flowers I'm not working I'm loving life.

When I'm training pupster I am giving back to society! It's good. My dream job = own a dog training business where the dogs were trained with the love and respect they deserve! I haven't given up on this dream yet I just need to figure out how

+++is your job something you're passionate over?+++

50 questions # 37

2011-12-23T08:03:00.001-05:00

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

Well since we are living in fantasy land can we assume I have a job I love? Because if I do I'd never quit! I love to feel useful :-) and unless I could volunteer all the time at shelters I'd want my happy job

+++what about you, would you quit?+++

50 questions # 36

2011-12-21T21:03:00.001-05:00

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

No! There are things that from the outside that everybody would say are bad (I'm talking to you Ed) but in reality yes the Ed sucks but without it I never would have met my dear friend N. And my mom's cancer yup it sucked and was bad BUT without it I never would have gotten close with my friend Laura, I never would have learned to love biking, I never would have thought to give swimming a chance so was it bad? Yes? No? Hell if I know! I miss my mom EVERY SINGLE DAY but the bible says that God knows the moment you will die the moment you are born, right... So she wouldn't be here any way so at least my life was made a bit brighter by what I've learned. Now as for this broken (but healing hella slowly) foot THAT might be all bad!

+++have you ever looked back at something bad and found the good?+++

(ps the photo??? Equal bad dog)

50 questions #35

2011-12-20T11:13:00.001-05:00

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

Because get any group of people together with the same beliefs and sometimes they can't see the forest through the trees. This doesn't only pertain to religions though it is literally any group of passionate people! I fear telling people I'm vegan because so many people have a bad connection to the word and I don't need ANOTHER label of crazy - I can have plenty that I've earned - not from a reputation of a people!

+++is there something about yourself that you don't like "to admit"? Feel free to say it here - no judgement!+++

50 questions # 34

2011-12-19T18:53:00.001-05:00

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

Does pupster count? Because he and I have deep heart to hearts, often! No words needed...

+++do you need words to talk?+++

Fun Christmas survey

2011-12-19T10:07:00.001-05:00

here is a holiday survey i saw on janetha's blog and wanted to do

http://mealsandmovesblog.com/

Eggnog or hot chocolate?
The new polar egg nog seltzer

Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Santa gives us small gifts in our stocking he doesn't wrap those!

Colored lights on tree/house or white?
It changes by the year and this year it's white (is it bad I had to look to remember)

Mistletoe yay or nay
I've never had it!

When do you hang your decorations up?
When I decide it's time and then we must do it THAT MOMENT!

What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
My sisters chili was always a favorite back when we went there now we go to the movies and whatever else so no specific anything

Favorite holiday memory as a child?
That my mom got me a cabbage patch kid the year they were the it toy we were poor and I'm not sure what she gave up to get it for me but I loved oriana Edith.
What is on your Christmas wish list?
Ummm a rain barrel, and a bracelet that matches my wedding ring and best of all kisses all day long from pupster

Do you open a gifts on Christmas Eve?
I open pajamas that my mom and now my friend Joey give me! Other than that no - I don't usually open any on Christmas either - not a fan of getting gifts!

How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
This year dollar store ornaments and candy canes (I have not found my Christmas spirit)

Snow? Love it or dread it?
Love walking in it and looking at it but hate shoveling it!

Real tree or fake tree?
Usually fake this year real!

Do you remember your favorite gift?
See up above... Cabbage patch

What’s the most important thing about Christmas for you?
Reminding people how much I love them!

What is your favorite holiday dessert?
Slush puppy

What is your favorite tradition?
Stockings

What tops your tree?
A bulb thing

Do you prefer giving or receiving?
See above I hate receiving!

What is your favorite Christmas song?
Christmas shoes!

Candy canes, yuck or yum?
Yuck

Favorite Christmas movie?
weird, i don’t have one.

What do you leave for Santa?
Nothing
.
Do you have a Christmas morning tradition?
a walk and stockings!!.

Do you prefer to shop on-line or at the mall?
Mostly mall and homemade.

Christmas letter or Christmas card?
Card with a pic

+++answer a couple if you'd like++*

50 questions #33

2011-12-18T20:01:00.001-05:00

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

I seriously have nothin left to lose and yet I'm still scared. I'm afraid to fail - yet I'm pretty sure I'm already failing. At pretty much everything - recovery certainly, being the person I want be definitely, helping world no doubt... Yet, here I stand. Afraid, afraid of taking the steps that will get me in the right direction :-/ humph!

+++have you achieved the goals you had hoped to by the time you were the age you are now?+++

50 questions # 32

2011-12-18T00:59:00.001-05:00

So tonight hubster and I headed down to Foxwoods and saw the Diana exhibit! I'm not sure I've mentioned on here but I am a HUGE Diana fan! My ring is a replica of her crown. It was as. Amazing as you could ever imagine. She was stunning and caring and just awe inspiring!

She also suffered from bulimia...

On the way home this started a conversation with hubs about famous people with eating disorders... Diana, Oprah, Sharon Osborne, Nadia cominichi and more!!! And I commented that those were some pretty amazing names of outstanding people with eating disorders. And he replied like you! And I melted!!

Source - http://www.edreferral.com/Celebrities_who_died_or_have_Eating_Disorders.htm

32. If not now, then when?

How's about when I'm ready? On my own time and terms and not everyone else's!!

+++are you ready to make changes in your life?+++

Friday fill in

2011-12-16T08:36:00.001-05:00

Another fun one courtesy of http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/2011/12/friday-fill-ins_16.html

1. Sleigh bells ring MORE SHRILLY WHEN IT IS COLD OUT - fact

2. It's coming on Christmas, they're cutting down trees INCLUDING THE CUTIE ONE AT MY HOUSE

3. You're a mean one IF ALL THE EXCITEMENT OF A CHILD NEAR CHRISTMAS DOESN'T MELT YOUR HEART

4. Father Christmas IS THAT SANTA CLAUS? CAUSE IF IT IS THEN I WILL TELL U MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS STORY IS CALLED THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF SANTA CLAUS

5. Silent night IS MY ONE OF MY TEO FAVORITE CAROLS

6. All I want for Christmas I ACTUALLY HAD A LIST THIS YEAR HUBSTER IS THRILLER I WANT A RAIN BARREL AN OTTOMAN AND THIS PHONE ADAPTER

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to IM NOT SURE IM LOOKING FORWARD TO BUT I AM HANGING OUT ALONE HUBSTER IS GOING TO A FRIEND OF HIS HOUSE Tomorrow my plans include SEEING SANTA IN THE MORNING AND THE PRINCESS DIANA EXHIBIT IN THE AFTERNOON and Sunday, I want to FINISH WRAPPING

50 questions # 31

2011-12-15T11:06:00.001-05:00

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

Passionate and alive huh? If you want honesty the only thing I am passionate about these days is calories and weight... Ridiculous and even I know it!!

And this guy - I'm pretty passionate about him!

+++what's something you are passionate about?+++

50 questions # 30

2011-12-14T07:47:00.001-05:00

30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

omg - I suck at this I literally do not remember my childhood, I'm pretty much a failure at this! My only childhood memory is getting into a fight with my best friend and making up! Overall though my road was a group of friends turned family so I'd say it was pretty good!

+++what's your best kid memory?+++

50 questions # 28

2011-12-13T00:35:00.001-05:00

28. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

Yup, 5 years ago my mom was diagnosed with her cancer. I knew (but was wrong) that it was going to be her last Christmas - I spent that whole December depressed!

I looked at cat scans so proficiently that I was frequently mistaken for a neuro oncologist. I had her scans taped to my fridge with the dates listed - tree what tree? Oh yeah that's right my BFF did put one up... I had nothing todo with it, no doubt I was researching temodar.

Yeah it still matters. Still matters a lot!

+++do you remember something from 5 years ago? Does it still matter to you?+++

(side note - I have a goal to finish these in 2011 so you may see 2 posts a day occasionally I wanna post about some shelters/soup kitchen we've been to, some crappy physical/Ed stuff, and some really cute crafts)

50 questions # 27

2011-12-11T18:12:00.001-05:00

27. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

Yes, 2008 the year to hate... My personal trifecta of hell! We would joke about for years before it happened, mom, needles and tiki all dying. 2008 decided to make me live my fear. Might have been better that way then I can just hate 1 year and not 3, right?

+++have you had a year where everything went wrong?+++

These are a few of my favorite things

2011-12-11T08:19:00.001-05:00

I got this from heather
http://www.thenheathersaid.com/2011/12/11/christmas-favorites/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+thenheathersaid%2FChCT+%28Then+Heather+Said%29
who got it from Nichole http://livefortherun.com/2011/12/09/a-few-of-my-christmas-favorites/

So without further adieu here's some of my Christmas faves

Tradition: Stockings in the morning - all sitting around in pjs opening silly little presents like gum and erasers... Also reading the book is special to me but sadly that's lost a lot since I read it alone now!

Movie: It's a charlie brown Christmas

Hymn: Joy to the World. I don't think this has anything to do with my name! My second is silent night

Reindeer: Comet

Naughty or Nice: Mostly nice

Multi-color lights or clear: This year clear

Smell: I’m loving the smell of our real tree

Seasonal Treat: The carolers at the grocer yesterday were pretty awesome

Christmas Picture: my tree!

Sight: Snow on Christmas

Best gift: my cabbage patch when I was a kid

Worst gift: Money

Special Memory: The year my mom was dying and I wanted (nope I needed) 1 more Christmas and so we had Christmas in July complete with tree, cookies and presents, we read the book and cuddled on the couch - friends and family came to carol with us! One of the best "Christmas weeks" of my life! And surely my best memory!

+++what about you? Share a Christmas memory or 2+++

50 questions # 26

2011-12-10T07:35:00.001-05:00

26. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

I think it is... There's all different kinds of truths. Unlike facts, truths can vary by the person living them. MY truth is I am doing the best that I am able to - however were you living my life you might be able to more or maybe not as much...

+++are you living your truest life?+++

Friday fill ins

2011-12-09T08:08:00.001-05:00

Another friday another fillin

http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/2011/12/anyone-in-holiday-spirit-im-getting.html?m=1

Anyone in the holiday spirit? I'm getting there. So...here we go!

1. As I neared the E/R on Wednesday I realized that it was the first time in a long time that I'd voluntarily taken care of myself

2. FALLING STAR is what I'm reading right now. It's WORTH WHAT I PAID FOR IT (aka nothing)

3. I didn't start out this way, I EVOLVED!

4. I TRY to tell the truth BUT IN REALITY IT OFTEN BITES ME IN THE ASS BECAUSE PEOPLE USE MY WORDS AGAINST ME

5. The best way to LIVE IS WITHOUT FEAR

6. This is the reason I am WORKING TO BECOME THAT PERSON

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to NOTHING (still sick) tomorrow my plans include ANOTHER CRAFT FAIR (but ive been told to stay off my feet until i see the dr on monday so im not sure i should go) and Sunday, I want to WRAP THE REST OF MY CHRISTMAS GIFTS!!!!

+++what are your weekend plans??+++

50 questions #25

2011-12-07T17:47:00.001-05:00

25. What are you most grateful for?

I am most grateful for hubster and pupster who work hard every single day standing beside me whether I am making good decisions or bad ones. They also make me feel safe. And laugh more than ever before!

+++who are you grateful for in your life? Have you told them recently?+++

50 questions # 24

2011-12-06T22:13:00.001-05:00

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

In my opinion 100% it is worse to lose touch with one who lives right near you.

When someone moves away there are so many ways to keep a friendship going... Mail, email, phone calls and FaceTime.

But when you "disconnect" it's so hard (especially as adults) to pick back up, you know?

+++have you ever lost a friend and successfully regrown a friendship?+++

Who are you???

2011-12-05T04:03:00.001-05:00

In the last few days I've had a couple different "who are you" moments...

1 was when a friend invited me over to help her decorate for Christmas.

Her home was so simply and elegantly decorated (I mean think Martha Stewart here). Now we've been friends for years so I knew it would be but it never ceases to amaze me because she is so not Martha in her day to day life. This got me thinking about my own decor. My Christmas decorations are very cute... Things that make me smile and are inexpensive enough that I can replace them if I needed to (other than the "ornament of the year" for hubster and I). Nothing screams JOY to me! But what does? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it isn't something you can buy. I'm big on tradition - I would be sad if we didn't do stockings, I'd be sad if we didn't do a Christmas photo card, I'd be sad if I didn't get pajamas on Christmas eve, I've been sad the years I've missed Christmas eve service... To me those are Christmas - not the wreaths, or the plastic people out front, or the tree...

-------------------------------------------

Another instance of who am I came when a friend called me after seeing breaking dawn. She called to discuss how Bella looked at a certain point in the movie and I had seen thinness and light and beauty and my friend saw me and my death and said she'd had to leave the theater to compose herself. And although I felt a fleeting guilt I also felt pride that MAYBE I was getting to a weight where going out was okay and people wouldn't "see" me...

And it occurred to me again, who am I? Who is this person who hears her friend cry and thinks "almost there Joy, almost there"?

A thought to ponder!

+++so, how do you decorate?+++

Friday fill in

2011-12-02T12:30:00.001-05:00

As always thanks to
http://fridayfillins.blogspot.com/2011/12/friday-fill-ins.html

1. One of my favorite things about December GETTING READY FOR CHRISTMAS

2. HUBSTER AND I LOOK FORWARD TO OUR NEW YEARLY ornament(s)!

3. This is what I'm hoping for today/tonight: TO STOP THROWING UP (sorry tmi)

4. WHAT noise? EVEN THE DOG IS AFRAID TO MOVE RIGHT NOW

5. Ooh, a NICE NAPPY SOUNDS GOOD

6. I LOVE BELLS ringing! AND CAROLERS SINGING

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to STAYING HOME! tomorrow my plans include craft fair (if im better) and Sunday, I want to get pup's pic taken!

+++what are your weekend plans?+++

Do you like the wreath I made my god mom?

50 questions # 23

2011-11-26T19:59:00.001-05:00

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

This is a question that is all but impossible to answer.

I think what kind of friend you are varies on a person to person, moment to moment basis.

That said, there are absolutely times that I have been the kind of friend I would like to have and there are as many times I have failed at being that type of friend. But, what I need out of a friendship isn't necessarily what my friend needs out of a friendship so...

I guess at the end of the day I do my best which is all we can ask of anybody

+++what are some qualities you offer in a friendship and what are some you want/need to receive?+++

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-24T23:06:00.001-05:00

I had a great day and really enjoyed a morning with pupster and an afternoon with friends...
Other than stomach issues that stunk it was a day to be thankful for

And seriously, how awesome is my new scrap booking app?
I love the look of scrapbooks but don't have the patience to do it! And now I can take the pics with my phone scrap them and mail to staples to print pages!

+++are you a scrapper?+++

A different time a different place

2011-11-23T07:01:00.001-05:00

So last night (as most nights) I woke up in the middle of the night. But this time when I woke up I heard the trickle of rain drops falling off the roof. And it occurred to me that I'm no longer afraid of the rain.

In my old house rain would scare me (deep snow too - that hasn't been tested here yet) I was certain that the roof would leak or cave in. I *think* this came from the house burning down once and seeing the flames come through the roof.

In the new house (how long is it the new house for?) I don't have those associations. For as much as I complain and dislike how much smaller this house is - its a safe haven. There are no bad memories (yet, I'm not foolish enough to believe non will happen) and there are no fears...

So i peacefully listened to the rain and allowed it to lull me back to sleep
It really is a different time and place

+++have you ever moved and had it change your outlook?+++

50 questions # 22

2011-11-20T08:22:00.001-05:00

22. Why are you, you?

I am me because I am passionate about people & places. Fiercely loyal!

I can often find the amazing about people or places.

Easily hurt. Quick to write people off (hey adding the bad in here too) and slow to forgive.

I occasionally stutter when I'm nervous (more really I just can't get the word out). In HORRIBLE at meeting people and awkward at walking into a room alone.

I am also me because I struggle each day and haven't given up yet!

+++what's something that makes you you?+++

50 questions # 21

2011-11-16T14:51:00.001-05:00

(and yes I am pretty convinced my dog thinks I hate him - he's wrong)
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Spoken as someone who literally worries about EVERYTHING (I've been known to worry if I'm not worried about something) I'd much rather be a joyful simpleton! I mean when you're simple you don't know you're simple. When you're a genius you know you're worried, and really who wants to carry angst with them wherever they go?

+++what about you? Simpleton or genius?+++

Favorite things

2011-11-15T11:02:00.001-05:00

I read blogs for many reasons

To learn
To escape
To think
And some I read because the writer feels like a friend you're sitting in Starbucks with
Thenheathersaid is a combo of all of them!
And this week she has a give away, go check out the giveaway but better check out her whole blog

http://www.thenheathersaid.com/2011/11/11/balance-and-peace/

50 questions # 20

2011-11-13T21:09:00.001-05:00

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

No and no! And further more I'm annoyed when other people do! It doesn't help and really if you're in that big of a hurry use your god-given feet and take the stairs...
I'm that way about a lot though -I am more of a go with the flow person than a hurry up person

+++are you a button pusher?+++

Friday fill in fun

2011-11-11T08:23:00.001-05:00

Another Friday fill in courtesy of fridayfillins.blogspot.com

Questions courtesy of my cousin, dackelprincess.com, this week. And...here we go!

1. Turkey is DEFINITELY NOT VEGAN
But I do have a fun turkey story. When I was a kid I was in 4-h in the horse program and there was another girl in another club I was friends with. And when I'd go over her house we'd ride (duh) but more importantly we'd play with her (sadly nameless) turkey. HE WAS HUGE! And he'd pull us around on skateboards! It was seriously better than any amusement park ride!

2. I AM TOLD I MAKE LOUSY pie.
Hubster and I have competed in the town's apple pie contest the last few years, once hubster won!!! I came in last... I should probably stop trying to healthify pie...

3. On and on and on we go WHERE WE STOP NOBODY KNOWS. I'm going with this one eludes to you control your destiny

4. The last time I saw MY COUSIN GARY WAS PROBABLY AT MY MOM'S FUNERAL - I'm looking forward to seeing his band play this weekend

5. Can you believe HOW FAST THIS YEAR WENT? I don't know if it was the move or what but it's mid-November here people

6. I need a MASSAGE. I tweeted this fact the other day

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to GETTING READY FOR HUBSTER'S PARTY tomorrow my plans include PERHAPS GOING TO SEE MY NEICE COMPETE IN GYMNASTICS AND THEN THE PARTY!!! and Sunday, I want to REST BUT ALAS I HAVE TO DECORATE AND DELIVER A TREE I DONATED TO CHARITY...

+++what about you? Any questions you want to answer?++

50 questions, question # 19

2011-11-10T08:37:00.001-05:00

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

Costa rica! I was an exchange student there and man! Life was GOOD! I was happy, walking was normal, people were kind!

And the flowers! The rain forests! The sunrises and sunsets - ALL BLISS

+++were you an exchange student? Or did you want to be?+++

Why I make gifts

2011-11-07T07:18:00.001-05:00

This morning I woke up bright and early to do some more on a Christmas present I'm making for my sister. It's a neck warmer and it's made on my trusty knifty knitter. My sister is a proficient knitter, crotcheter, sewer, and scrapbooker so she could easily make one as beautiful as this in probably half the time.

So why am I making it? Easy, because as I sat here counting stitches I *almost* sat here having a conversation with her. As I make gifts I tend to reflect on good times I've had with the person and wishes I have for them. I think (and hope) that my loving thoughts pull through on their presents.

And really, a morning with my sister was a great way to wake up!

+++do you make any presents? If so, why? And do you like getting home made gifts?+++

Heroes revisited...

2011-10-31T11:35:00.001-04:00

So on Saturday at around 9pm we lost electricity which also means heat. Seeing as I am the coldest person on the planet this sucks! But, today at 11:30 as we were driving the 3/4 mile (what you would have too just to enjoy the warm car?) to get hubster a cuppa joe we saw a light man getting his work on. And again I wondered if this man knew he was my hero... But this time I didn't want to question it so I rolled down my window and shouted out "you're my hero, thank you!"

+++when was the last time you told someone they were your hero? And when was the last time someone told you that you were their hero?"

Friday fill ins

2011-10-28T09:09:00.001-04:00

Courtesy of fridayfillins.blogspot.com

1. Beware of GHOSTS GOBLIMS AND VAMPIRES (THEY GOT ME THIS MORNING I HAD TO HAVE LABS DONE)

2. I CANT BELIEVE IT'S snowED.

3. And since we ARE TALKING ABOUT SNOW HUBSTER MENTIONED THAT HE DOESN'T REMEMBER SNOW THIS EARLY BEFORE NEITHER DO I

4. DO YOU BELIEVE IN spirits? I DO!!

5. Where IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO GO FOR HALLOWEEN - FOR ME I LIKE TO BE AT HOME AND GIVE OUT TOYS

6. SOUP is one of my favorite meals when it's cold out.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to SLEEP (I'm sick), tomorrow my plans include WATCHING MY NIECE AT THE STATE CHEER FINALS (? I think its state) and Sunday, I want to GO FOR A HIKE WITH THE PUPSTER!

This one time...

2011-10-26T07:55:00.001-04:00

Yeah so the other night hubster and I were watching tv and pupster kept looking at me. And then looking to his right and then staring me down. I was laughing at him asking if Timmy had fallen into the well... Finally I decided to wrestle with him thinking that's what he wanted and as I pushed him playfully I felt it a peanut sized lump at the base of his jaw... To say I freaked isn't quite descriptive enough.

But, ironically as soon as I knew what was going on and in charge (as much in charge as you can be when you call the emergency vet and they say wait until morning because they won't be able do anything at midnight - and call his breeder who tells me to relax get some rest and deal with it in the morning) pupster relaxed he put his head on my lap and fell asleep.

I called his vet at 7:31 the next morning (they open at 7:30) and had a 10:00 appointment (with his favorite vet at the practice) after a biopsy to rule out cancer and rule in what it was (a highly swollen lymph node) pupster was diagnosed with his second major battle with Lyme disease... He has a lowered immune system because of having gotten it so young the first time (4 months) and so is more susceptible... I left the vet with a new round of meds and positively jovial... Perspective huh? Anyone else finding out their dog has Lyme would probably be sad but me? I heard its not cancer!

+++do you have a pet? Do you have it insured?+++

(ps pupster is insured but not against Lyme)

50 questions 1 at a time question 18

2011-10-20T18:11:00.001-04:00

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

OMG - eff yes! I hold onto EVERYTHING - if you've ever insulted me/hurt my feelings I am able to transport myself back to that in a flash... And worse is I'll agree with you!

+++are you holding onto things that need to be let go of?+++

Do you ever forget?

2011-10-18T16:10:00.001-04:00

I do!
The beauty around me, that is!
I go to Harold Parker state forest all! The! Time! And for me it's my home base walk and I forget to pay attention to it (as a matter of fact I am blogging this while walking one of pupsters favorite trails). When I want a "nice walk" I'll drive somewhere else - often a half hour or more away. Well today I didn't have time for that and I figured we'd settle for "our home base" and on the drive it occurred to me how lucky I am to have these trails and these changing leaves to ignore!

And wouldn't you know it as I got here a bus load of cross country runners were getting ready for a "pretty" run and 3 or 4 minutes in I came across leaf peepers (complete with binoculars) to enjoy the foliage and it really hit home... I am so lucky to have this!

+++what are you blessed by that forget to notice?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 17

2011-10-16T10:20:00.001-04:00

(photo from the "occupy Boston" demonstration - I drove a friend to work right past them)

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

Gotten a college degree - I have a # of certificates but no degree... What's holding me back? Ummm fear of failure, fear of hating it, fear fear fear!

+++so what's holding you back?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 16

2011-10-14T12:40:00.001-04:00

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

Because not everyone can see the amazing ness that is pupster! His love and kindness makes me smile daily, but some people either don't like dogs (silly silly people) or can't see how amazing my dog in particular is (and he is pretty amazing)

+++are you a dog person?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 15

2011-10-09T09:39:00.001-04:00

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

I see the world differently than most people. things other people see as ugly i find gorgeous (graffiti) things people see as bothersome I see as friends (most homeless people)

Things that drive other people up a wall I find sweet or charming. Things that other people are chill about are often enough to send me over the edge...

Little differences like - many people are annoyed by kids running around stores, I think it's cute when they're playing hide and seek! Or when we have no hot water for (now a month) I think most people would be driven off the deep end I'm like ehh it's fine.

But not being able to find the card I'm looking for most people probably would sit think and figure it out - I on the other hand have a breakdown and wonder why life is worth living... OCD much?

It's been a rough week, here's to hoping it gets better!

+++what do you do differently?+++

Everyday hero

2011-10-05T15:14:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I went into Starbucks (aka my Mecca) and orders my usual - chai tea tall with 2 pumps sugar free hazelnut and a splash of soy (seriously try it - you'll thank me) and was happily given my drink by the barrista

I realized that she truly is a hero to me... Just doing her job, but doing it well and cheerfully

What constitutes a hero? Is it only someone who saves lives? Or can it be someone who makes life shiny-ER and brighter for those who pass by?

50 questions 1 at a time question 15

2011-10-04T13:21:00.001-04:00

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Well in the case of the photo up above I originally saw creativity but as everyone laughed at poor pupster I saw insanity...

Umm to answer the question... Probably not! I find very little insane (or at least insane with a bad connotation) I mostly see things and think "that's awesomely cool" when OTHER people think it's insane...

One of the coolest and most creative things I'd seen was a group of college people playing quidditch (carrying brooms and all - one girl acting as the snitch flickering around here there and every where) I stopped to watch and was quite impressed by the whole thing. But as I sat and watched the imaginary quidditch world cup I heard people walking by mocking this group of young adults. And all I could think was "wow they are exercising their brains and bodies all at once this is awesome how are you not seeing this?"

+++would you have thought the game was as inspired as I did?+++

The house that craigslist built

2011-09-27T19:35:00.001-04:00

I used to tease my mom mercilessly about buying only items with red tags on them (aka clearance) I'd tell her that as a child I didn't know that stuff was sold before it had a red tag on it... That I thought it was just for display (true story).

I wonder what she'd say to her cheap ass daughter who has:
Bought either scratch and dent OR used appliances

Gone without hot water for 3 weeks (I shower at the gym) when the furnace broke because she refused to pay 2 plumber fees when he was going to have to come out to install the dryer and stove anyway!

Bought a bigger better tv than she wanted (way bigger - like 15" bigger) because it was on clearance to make way for a new model so it was $700 cheaper than the one she went for

Slept on the floor because the mattress we wanted was going on sale in 2 weeks so why pay full price when we could pay half...

Bought used couches, tv stands etc because they were as good as new and WAY cheaper.

And the new things I did buy... Well yeah they had red tags on them

Apple, tree... Nope not a far fall at all!

+++are you like your parents? And do you pay full price?+++

Arrr I missed talk like a pirate day!

2011-09-24T21:51:00.001-04:00

So I missed the actual day but I had to find my name out - ummm no thanks I'll keep joy thanks!

So tomorrow we are going to pick up the new washer dryer and I am literally pulling out the broken foot card... We don't have to mention that I took the pupster to new England pet expo and walked around for five hours straight! But whatever!

So, I also stopped at the zero waste day (where tons of charities were to get all your leftover junk) and I have to say the freedom of getting rid of so much stuff is rather intoxicating I literally filled an entire car with crap (okay clothes shoes electronics etc)

+++ is clearing out clutter addictive to you?+++

Friday fill ins

2011-09-23T13:00:00.001-04:00

Okay 1st of all pupster and I are in a fight BUT really how cute is my dog

1. When I walk around my neighborhood I see THE LAKE, RAILROAD TRACKS, WOODS, PEOPLE AND DOGS

2. APPLESAUCE is my favorite thing to cook.

3. Life is CRAZY

4. My PUPSTER (when he's not an ass who steals my side of the bed aka last night) makes me feel all warm and fuzzy

5. WHO KNOWS? is my favorite Autumn vegetable.

6. SLEEP is better when it is UNINTERRUPTED

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to BILL BURR (please don't ask me who that is I have no idea)
tomorrow my plans include GIVING BRASS MONKEY BACK AND THE PET EXPO and Sunday, I want to SLEEP!!!!

50 questions 1 at a time question 13

2011-09-21T14:02:00.001-04:00

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

This is a silly question - of course I would! And if you mean to literally save someone's life I'd break the law (assuming it isn't like murder or something) to save a stranger.

Laws are only as good as the people they are protecting so if they're not then (in my rather twisted opinion) they're invalid...

+++what about you? Would you break the law to save someone?
And do you think all laws are created equal?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 12

2011-09-15T11:17:00.001-04:00

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Be true to yourself and love yourself - the rest will fall into place.

I think if you do those 2 things pretty much everything will workout okay

+++do you agree!+++

Broken

2011-09-13T14:24:00.001-04:00

So I recently replied to my therapist when he was suggesting some things we can work on --- let's just give up and admit I'm broken. (this was a pity party day)

Well fast forward a week and I spent some time with an older gentleman with ms... And it occurred to me how dare I call myself broken and quit when this poor guy has debilitating pain for anywhere from 5 to 20 seconds out of every 2 to 3 minutes, he hasn't called it yet how could I?

Shortly after this I managed to fall/slip/stub my toe (let's blame it on my clumsiness and the fact that I was trying to be helpful and pay attention to a dude with ms while walking down stairs #fail :-) well my foot started swelling right away. The long and the short of it... It's broken!

I'm thinking someone/something out there has a sense of humor... Now let's see if I can not break my neck on crutches!

+++totally not a related question - do you see the dear in the wall up above?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 11

2011-09-12T08:56:00.001-04:00

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

Ahhh finally an easy one (should have read ahead and then I wouldn't have taken so long a break). I've been in this exact situation many times! I'd point out some of her finer points. I wouldn't correct them or defend her (I find people don't listen when you are basically telling them they're wrong) but say she was so sweet to me during xyz period of ny life she helped me with abc - I couldn't have made it through without her...

+++what would you do? Pupster really wants to know+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 10

2011-08-30T21:15:00.001-04:00

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

I'd like to say that I feel like this question is about the same as question 2...

This sort of paralyzes me... I really want to do the right things (hello recovery I'm looking at you) but I think that maybe if I did things right the right things would happen. Does that even make sense? (btw I feel like I say that phrase more than anyone I know)

+++ so what about you? Which would you rather do the right things or do things right?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 9

2011-08-21T14:49:00.001-04:00

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

Well I am currently sitting here at the laundromat texting hubster letting him know that this is my first and last time doing laundry here!

To what degree have I controlled my own life? Hmmm hard one! I partially believe that everyone controls their lives but at the same time circumstance really determines a lot. I can't control what happens to me - but I can control how I react to it, right?

That's the part I need to work on - reactions...

+++what about you, have you determined your own life?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 8

2011-08-20T11:18:00.001-04:00

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

This is another thinking one... I assume that MY lifespan is about 40 years. So what would I do differently? Well I'd like to change what I'm doing currently... But I can't quite figure out how. And for pupster and hubster I wanna live a long time, they're lots of fun

I plan on talking to my treatment team next week to figure out what I need to do. If I only have a few years left I'd be okay with that IF I were living it rather than just surviving it... However if changes can make it a longer happier life I'm all in for that too!

+++what changes can you make to improve your life?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 7

2011-08-17T15:13:00.001-04:00

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

Um I'm assuming they mean working here...

I don't work, I want to I just can't right now. So I would guess that that means I am settling.

BUT I am working towards getting my act together enough so that I can work. And that is such a hard thing because I have no clue what I want to and am able to do. I know that it's important to me to feel like I am bettering the world with my work.

I am a trained florist and have taken event planning courses I love dogs. I would like to work with the elderly or sick... So how do I use those skills towards that goal?

+++what about you? Are you doing what you love? And if not how can you get there??+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 6

2011-08-16T09:38:00.001-04:00

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Well since I am blogging from my phone as I walk pupster down the trail near our house and my heart is light and airy I am going to say dog walking.

I love sharing my happy place with him and his friends. He loves the woods as much as I do. I'm sure a part of that is because I am happy but I am also certain that a huge part if it is I am happy because he introduced me to the woods. Before pupster I never went in the woods!

If walking pups in the woods would pay the bills... I'd be rich

+++what would make you rich?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 4

2011-08-15T20:35:00.003-04:00

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

Well I can tell you I would NOT change raindrops on roses! (or whiskers on kittens for that matter)

But in reality I'd change judgements. I really think that if people didn't judge one another we'd all be happier and healthier!

Everyone is guilty of it - in good ways and bad... You see a sweet looking old lady and you smile and get warm inside - you don't know that she just bonked someone off the head with her cane. You see a cray cray on the street - and you never know they gave their last cigarette to a friend having a bad day.

People are so much more than a cover

+++are you what you appear to be?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 4

2011-08-15T20:35:00.001-04:00

50 questions 1 at a time question 4

2011-08-12T17:50:00.001-04:00

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

I would hope that I have dome more than I've said. There are little things I do that I hope help people and at the same time makes my day! The flower above is a daily "gift" if you will to my friend, it is my way of giving her a hug...

However ED wise I talk harder than I do... Which is probably a bad thing!

+++what about you? Will you have said or done more?+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 3

2011-08-11T19:03:00.001-04:00

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

This is such a tough question! Because why do we? I guess we do it because in order to live/be a member of society there are certain things you must do!

In recovery there are certain things you must do... Weigh ins - hate them, labs - hate them and stress for days, dig deep in therapy - it's painful but has to be done! But theoretically they are for the greater good. I think in all things IF the things you are doing is for a greater gooder purpose than it makes sense but if it's not than maybe we should follow the lead of the pups above and find a good lake to jump in (even if mom screams no)

+++what's something you like to do and you're not doing it often enough? How can you find time to??+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 2

2011-08-10T21:33:00.001-04:00

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
(the photo is my pondering brain)

This one is SO hard for me! I am so afraid of failing but I regret all the things im too scared to try, so isn't that failing by default? But I've written about this before but something about failing defines me and paralyzes me continually... So I think I'm going with failing...

+++what about you? Which is your fear??+++

50 questions 1 at a time question 1

2011-08-09T07:32:00.001-04:00

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Above is my little niece B she's 9. We are pretty much on the same wavelength so I'm gonna guess I'd be 9!

Take the craft that she's doing up above... It was at an ac Moore craft day. I borrowed her because I really wanted to go and make the tie dyed shirts and cards for soldiers (ooh and the duct tape bracelets too).

I also "stole" her when I wanted to see Hannah Montana the movie (on opening day no less) she hated it - I was hooked from opening scene.

As she gets older I worry who is going to be my go to for rides at fairs and goody movies and craft days... Fortunately nephew T is still only 5... And he and I are going to home depot this weekend to make a lunch box! Living the good life here I tell you!

+++so how old are you?+++

50 questions

2011-08-08T16:26:00.001-04:00

I've seen this on a few blogs and well at the moment I am taking a break before I destroy the bathroom (I can't seem to put up the mirror)
It originated at
http://www.marcandangel.com/2009/07/13/50-questions-that-will-free-your-mind/

I'm thinking I'll do one a day just to remember to blog and start doing something other than house fixing

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

22. Why are you, you?

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

25. What are you most grateful for?
Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

26. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

27. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

28. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

32. If not now, then when?

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for

Last looks

2011-08-05T06:33:00.001-04:00

Leaving home in a sense involves a kind of second birth in which we give birth to ourselves.
Robert Neelly Bellah

A week ago I took this picture - a last look back through the doorway that had always been my home. The day was so hectic and crazy but I managed to remember the few "goodbye" rituals I really wanted to do.

I took this picture as I left

I took a picture of the tree in the front yard that my mom planted the day they moved in there.

I "made" real vanilla from a kit (you simply poor good vodka over these vanilla beans and write the date in the space provided - it's ready in 4-6 months and can continue being refilled for an entire 7 years)

And I sat on the kitchen floor and cried with hubster and pupster while listening to bill harley's moving day http://www.billharley.com/lyrics.asp?SongID=517 (got it on iTunes - you should too)

Car’s full,
Trunks packed -
Stuff on the roof rack.
Mom says
We leave soon.
Last time
In my room.
One last look out my window -
The yard,
the street,
the place I know.
I go, they stay -
It’s moving day.

Here’s where
My bed stood.
Floors made
Of old wood.
Mom left
The light on
Walls marked
With crayon.
The door I slammed when I was mad.
The place I cried when I was sad.
I go, they stay
It’s moving day.

When I grow up, I might come back
To this place again.
If I find some kids live here
I’ll tell them who I am.

“Let’s go,” Dad calls
I guess that’s all
Goodbye house,
Goodbye room
I won’t be back soon
Down the steps,
Out the front door
Now I don’t live here
Anymore.
Part of my heart stays
On moving day

And it's true a big part of me stayed on "we street" on moving day and forever...

I'll be back soon with the updates of the new house - btw he has a name! Gregory, he's Gregory house. And hopefully I'll get more regular and if we are lucky interesting with my posting!

+++are you a ritual person?+++

Beautiful blemish

2011-07-27T21:21:00.001-04:00

If your heart acquires strength, you will be able to remove blemishes from others without thinking evil of them.
Author: Mohandas Gandhi

As I prepare to move from the only place I've ever called home I've gotten pretty sentimental.

Not for the square footage I'm giving up.
Not for the gorgeous floors.
Not even for THE TREE

But for the blemishes -

The stain on the ceiling from when baby A was startled walking into our hobby room and dropped her oj and it hit the ceiling. (she waited for me to yell - I never did, I laughed until there was nothing left in me)

The corner of my wood stairs where a young dog (my nephews) chewed his fears. (my mom taught me 2 things this day 1. Be smarter than the dog you are dealing with 2. Never tell someone what to be afraid of)

The wall where when the undertaker took my mom her knocked a corner. (this was the moment I ceased to exist in my own eyes)

The hidden paint behind the upstairs sink because a young nephew wanted to help me...

Mid breakdown I called my 8.5 month pregnant niece and asked her to come take pics so I could remember (as if I would ever forget) and she did! And she treated it ad solemnly as I needed her to. And then we went out and laughed about galaxies...

This got me thinking, what is it people love about you. Is it the perfection or the stain on the ceilings? And how can we embrace our own nicks?

Last weekend

2011-07-24T07:59:00.001-04:00

‘A child building a sandcastle is not "working hard". It doesn’t seem to him to be a task. It simply fills his imagination at the time ti’st going on, and anything else is an irritant.’
— Jonathan Miller

Was the sand castle competition at revere beach.

Hubster LOVES sand castles (actually I think he should compete in an amateur contest someday) so I surprised him and took him. Hello 90*, 80,000 people, and the loudest music I've ever heard! Basically a Joy recipe for disaster. But it wasn't, because I took myself out if the equation and made it all about hub and you know what?

I actually had a good time! It was great to watch hubster play in the water (yup he still PLAYS in the water) and watch him smile and laugh... It made me realize that that's what I'm missing, the living part of life. That's what I need to find! Ohhh but first I need to pack! I move in 5 days....

+++side note I saw what the interior designer (gift from the realtor) is planning on doing with the inside of the new house and holy sick is it gorgeous - its a magazine that I'll get to live in... (I'm still trying to convince myself that I did the right thing here)

+++do you love sand castles?+++

Blogging on purpose

2011-07-09T13:12:00.001-04:00

Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.

- Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama

(catch the double meaning of my subject?)

Anyway, I have another post ready about politeness but this word PURPOSE keeps jumping in my head! So I'm gonna try and work it out here

I firmly believe that everyone/everything/every event we come across has a purpose for us. It may make us stronger, happier, more resilient or somehow better...

This week I've been on vacation in Lincoln new Hampshire (1 of my 3 favorite places on earth) the first day a friend had come up with me and about 18 hours in to a week long vacation she missed her boyfriend and left (not very pleasantly but alas her choice and loss). At the same time a stupid money decision on my behalf was crashing down on poor hubster. I was able to fix it from up here but not without inconveniencing a lot of people.

What was the purpose of these events?

Well I think the friend wad to teach me to remember my audience...
And the $ was to assure me that moving to the cardboard box (which I have renamed the wee house because I've sort of fallen in love with it and want to show it the respect it deserved - SIDE NOTE why do people name their cars but not their houses? I mean our cars are misty and buzz...) was the right move for us!

So 2 days later I am in a bit of a financial quandary and call my friend Laura for advice (can't ask hubster because it's about his birthday). I felt like I needed advice because earlier in the week I'd made such a big oops (which she knows all the deets of) so I give her my options
-spend the (lesser) $ now and pray I am okay until closing
- wait until closing and pray it hasn't tripled in cost (a very real possibility)

She replied with an option I hadn't come up with - she'd loan me the $ and I'd pay her after closing.
Now I had JUST finished telling her how I'd screwed up earlier and she said she knew but she also knows that I'll pay her back so let's do it and stop worrying.

After we took care of everything my thoughts again jumped to purpose... What purpose does Laura have in my life?
Was it to loan me money? No, the money was the catalyst (is this the right word) but for that night laura's purpose to me was to remind me that I am a worthy investment. At other points her purpose has been to call me out on stupidity, reign me in, make me feel loved, make me laugh, and peel me off of sidewalks...

So again I thought what is my purpose to Laura?
You might say it's she needs to be needed (perhaps true but I think it's more than that)
I think I offer to Laura (and correct me if I'm wrong) friendship that is true, an ear, a heart that would stop beating for her if need be, a cute poodle to walk (whenever you want he's yours), and probably most important to her is complete honesty...
I hope to someday have more/better purpose to her but for now it's enough...

This comes off as an ode to a friend and it is and it isn't... It is a reminder to look for the purpose around you! It might not be what you think!

+++what's your greatest purpose?+++
****what should I name my house??****

Don't worry I will save you

2011-06-30T08:04:00.001-04:00

"the strong must protect the sweet" - Dan castellanetta

ahhh pupster my constant companion. I could not ask for a better friend.

The other day I was mowing the lawn (a chore I go into each time with annoyance - why why why does the darn grass grow back?) and pupster was of course outside with me.

I started the mower and pupster sensing my unhappiness started attacking a running lawn mower. his every motion "I will protect you mommy I will". I took this crazy picture as I shooed him away (to keep him from getting hurt).
It occurred to me though this isn't the first time he has "risked it all" for me.

If we are outside after dark (something I'm afraid of) he has growled at men approaching when I stiffen

If I am particular ly sick in the night he will howl scream or whatever else to get hubster up.

And probably most impressively he simply doesn't allow for purging. If I try he sits at the bathroom door and gives the most pathetic whine/howl... And well it's working. I can proudly say I've gone from 5 to 6 times a day to ONCE IN THE LAST MONTH!!! He is pretty amazing this poodle of mine!

+++so tell me who protects you?+++

Possibilities

2011-06-22T09:25:00.002-04:00

"stop thinking in terms of limitations and start thinking in terms of possibility"

Lately I haven't been blogging because I was bit by the good enough bug... There are a number of reasons or excuses why I wasn't good enough to blog. At the end of the day they're irrelevant I blog because it is my out. I blog so that someday I can write "I'm recovered" and someone else can see all the shitty times were worth it (this will happen, right?)

So pretty much what's been up in my life:
House crap 24/7 and although I say it isn't bothering me my body's all over pain probably proves that theory wrong.

I got a droid to replace my dying iPhone and hate it (sorry droid lovers)

My feelings have been hurt from pretty much every angle (probably means it's me)

When I've felt well enough I've taken pupster on some amazing walks!

Hubster made me laugh so hard it hurt when he told pupster "it's a good thing you're a poodle, we need a smart dog since we treat you like you're human" I replied for pupster "what do you mean treat me like I AM HUMAN"

And the MOST EXCITING news is my nephew is home from his deployment in Afghanistan (yesterday)

+++how do you talk yourself out of the doldrums?+++

Thick skin and gorgeous nails

2011-06-10T15:31:00.001-04:00

"You can't let other people tell you who you are. You have to decide that for yourself."

Today I got a manicure/pedicure combo (the gift certificate was a b'day gift from a friend) and while the lady was giving me a pedicure she commented that I had thick skin. I giggled (I'm assuming she meant the calluses) and said it's because I'm a runner.

The lady in the chair next to mine decided that a comment was okay and made a "twig" comment (there are seriously not enough words in the English language to explain how much I hate ANY body comments) but today I let it go and texted a friend about something totally separate

Then the manicurist commented on my "odd color combo choice" btw I love teal and red together and the names fit in my life right now "suzi says feng shui" and pinpricks (I'm going to acupuncture tonight) but I laughed and was like whatever

recently I have gotten a couple other comments that I thought wow I am doing so well!

"you look better" (okay still heard fat but I didn't cry then - I waited)

"you know that's the family home you're selling how can you do this?"

"your new house is too small, with no land and an ugly color what were you thinking?"

And I talked about these in therapy and was all like aren't I awesome they don't bother me... My therapist pointed out if they aren't bothering you why are you still talking about them? And you know therapist was right! I am hurt and sad and maybe my skin isn't as thick as I'm portraying... I'm not sure how I'll get there but I will! And I will have FABULOUS nails to boot!

+++is there really anybody who doesn't care what other people think? Who aren't stung by comments?+++

Really I wanna know! And then I want them to tell me how to get there!!

My day in numbers (no triggers)

2011-06-04T13:28:00.001-04:00

If equations are trains threading the landscape of numbers, then no train stops at pi. ~Richard Preston

So I have to start this off with I am so mathematically stupid that I don't even know what that quote means but (as you'll see below) I took the train!

On Tuesday I was harried and so I just started breaking things down to the minutiae so I would survive it! Here's that day in #s (and times)

24 - hours in the day
9:00 - time we agreed we would accept offers on our house
9:15 - time I looked at email and found an offer
0 - amount below asking the offer was
45 - the number of days before they want to close
1 - the amount of psychiatry appointments I had already made for that day
2 - the number of psychiatrist appointments I ended up going to
0 - the amount of cars I had available to me (see brake fail of last week)
1 - # of husbands who drove me to the train
About 50 - # of phone calls made!
1 - # of realtors who picked me up at the hospital
1 - # of same realtors who drove me back to the train
3 - vials of blood taken
2 - times I talked to myself OUT LOUD while walking down the street
1 - # of houses I put an offer in on.
1638373 - number of times I jumped up and down when it was accepted!
2 - # of times I went into Boston to the hospital for stuff I deemed could wait and Drs deemed could not!
More than 1,000,000 - poodle kisses I got
1 - sisters who left work to do one more check with me!
A billion - times I lost my mind
0 - times I found it
3 or 4 - times I used behaviors
13 - amount of games I had going on words with friends
15 - # of times I had to sign my name/initial here
1 - # of iPhone batteries that conked out so I couldn't call for a ride home
9 - miles walked to and from the train station!
10.50 - dollars spent on trains
7.40 - dollars spent on the T
1 - friends who helped me decide what to offer
1 - husbands who were at work and couldn't answer
Unmeasurable - amount of frustration at said husband's work!
Also unmeasurable? The excitement of starting a home with pupster and hubster in our LITTLE paradise!

+++have you ever bought or sold a house?+++

Gathering the tools

2011-05-30T17:09:00.001-04:00

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.
- Vincent van Gogh

Yesterday morning I woke up and knew that I needed to paint the railing on the porch quickly because there was an open house at my house from 12-2 and a half (craggily) painted railing doesn't exactly scream buy me! (as a side note I promise someday not so much will be about houses but that is where I'm at these days)

So I grabbed a (1) brush and the can of paint and set to work. The brush I'd grabbed was bristled and worked really well for everywhere other than the tops of the up and down parts and since there are approximately ten million of those I went and found a sponge brush to do that part and was amazed at how much the right tools for the job made it easier (though certainly not less tedious I still hate painting).

And this brought me to thinking about recovery and how I have the right tools I just need to pick them up and start using them. So in my head while I was painting I thought about what tools I needed (really anything to distract me from the tediousness at hand)

A primary care physician who knows my problems

A therapist who listens and empathizes but doesn't let me dole out crap I cants

A psychiatrist who pays attention to what I'm saying (and what I'm not) and stays on top if my meds

A husband who does his best to give me a safe place and if that means holding my head while I puke and pretending that this is normal than that's fine.

A family that loves me enough to know when I need to be alone and when I don't

And friends who keep in touch

And a close friend who keeps me accountable even when I don't want to be, and is willing (and capable) of accepting the "wrath of Joy" when I'm mad at ---.

Those really are all the tools anyone needs to get as better as they are capable of getting.

BUT similarly to yesterday while I was painting I need to gather my tools and use the right tool for the job. I haven't yet, and they're all there waiting - being used here and there but really waiting to come out of the toolbox for the big job... And that's up to me, and that might be the hardest decision I make and will certainly be the hardest fixer up i have in me!

+++do you ever have epiphanies while sound miserable chores (have I mentioned I HATE to paint?)+++

PS - do you like to paint? If you do, when I buy the new house (wherever that might be) would you like to come paint???

Exuberance

2011-05-28T23:59:00.001-04:00

Character is the ability to carry out a good resolution long after the excitement of the moment has passed.-author unknown

This is a reoccurring theme in my life I think... I start something REALLY excited and gung ho and then the reality of it sets in and I lose interest and well it all sort of peters out...

Recovery keeps being one of those... "I will follow meal plans" "I will not over exercise" "I will go to all my appointments" and when I am telling you these (ultimately lies) I truly believe them to be true. Then reality sets in and well I'm no longer following plans, making appointments or working out in a reasonable manner.

Recently my psych has suggested that I email her when I am wanting to use ed behaviors or si and while I originally (as in Tuesday) thought this was a great idea - I'd purge with words rather than my mouth - when yesterday came and it was time to write the email I instead found myself in a bathroom.

I wondered why... And unfortunately I know why, I'm ashamed of admitting I'm GOING TO do it (whichever it that I might be doing at the time) I am often not sorry for having done it...

Even my shame looses steam quickly! Not exactly sure where I'm going with this or how to change it but it is clearly something I need to work on .... If only I didn't lack the follow through, huh?

+++are you good at follow through? +++